by Humble the Poet, author of Unlearn
“Things come apart so easily when they have been held together with lies.”
— Dorothy Allison
I loved him like a brother, and he treated me as such. He told me I was a genius and that the world needed to hear my music. He was a ball of passion, and when he spoke it always felt like a battle cry to fight for a better life. I was working as a teacher, spending my summers with struggling artists who gave me that energy and community I craved. When I met him in Toronto, I felt like I found new family in my own hometown.
His family wasn’t so abundant—his parents struggled with addiction and were trying to take the earnings he made producing music. It was killing his spirit, and I could sense it. So without consulting my parents, I invited him to live with me. He was the brother I never had.
We got matching tattoos and promised each other that there would always be two of everything. We hustled the music, threw shoes, networked, and talked about what we could do artistically and for the scene in the city. The summer had ended and now I was back to grinding the 8-5 shift. It was killing my soul to be working knowing there was so much to create. Then he came to me with an opportunity that changed my life forever.
It was a songwriting deal, worth $120,000, to write 10 songs for an unknown artist who apparently had major connections. We’d get paid to write the songs, and with that money we could be full-time artists. Without much thought, due diligence or reflection, I took a leave of absence from work, and we moved into a rental property that I purchased as a responsible adult. Then we got straight to creating.
They Never Did
He explained the money would come soon, but weeks went by with no word. Weeks turned to months, and with no income, I was quickly accumulating debt by swiping credit cards, and negotiating a bigger line of credit. I wasn’t worried, when the money came in, it would wipe the debt clean, and we’d have plenty to play with.
He told me about all the friends that owed him money, and how we could start collecting to cover the bills, but he wasn’t finding much luck. As the months went on, I began to ask him more questions, and he became more and more defensive. One day he went out of town to collect some money from a family member. A mutual friend disclosed to me that he had been asking people to lend him money, and that in fact, no one owed him anything. I called him to clarify this, and he immediately hung up, and I never heard from him again.
He literally left his belongings in the apartment and never came back for anything. Clothes, a computer, keepsakes, it was as if he fell off the face of the earth. I was confused, devastated, and heartbroken. I had never had my heart broken by a friend before; it was a foreign kind of betrayal I couldn’t wrap my head around. Beyond the betrayal was the slow sinking reality that I was in deep trouble with my finances. I had accumulated over $80,000 in debt and had no way to pay it off. It turns out the songwriting deal was never real—he had forged documents, changed names, and was planning on borrowing money from others to cover it. When that didn’t work, he ran out of options and ran away.
That was seven years ago. The years that followed were the hardest years of my life. I fell into deep despair and turned to NyQuil and muscle relaxers to numb the pain. I blamed the world and everyone around me for not warning me of his sleazy ways. I stayed in bed for weeks, and ate very little, hoping the cavalry would come to save the day.
They never did.
A Challenging Time
During the worst moments, I thought the worst thoughts about him. How dare he do this to me, after I let him in my home, and allowed him to live with me for a year rent-free. I was nothing but amazing to him! I treated him like a brother! And this is what I got in return?
But I learned to let it go, gradually.
Of course, I didn’t let it go because I thought what he did was OK. I let it go because I could not afford to carry such a heavy burden of resentment and regret with me. If I was ever going to get myself out of the mess I was in, I needed less baggage…
He wasn’t evil, he was scared. He bit off more than he could chew, and instead of facing the consequences of his actions, he ran away. All of that was out of my control. And for me to maintain my sanity I had to focus on what was in my control.
What was always in my control was my thinking and expectations. I expected him to be honest with me, because I was honest with him. But that’s not how things work. As I write this story, I am at a friend’s house in Austin, TX. I can hear the neighbour’s dog barking really loud. If I went over and stuck my hand through the fence, that dog would probably bite me. I can’t assume or expect him not to, just because I don’t plan to bite him. Dogs do what dogs do. Scared people do what scared people do.
So I forgave him, little by little, and began taking more responsibility for what happened. It was hard work. But doing so helped me let go of the resentment and regrets that were holding me back
Truth be told, it’s easy for us to feel sorry for ourselves, and cast ourselves as the victims in life. And it’s not only easy, it’s quick and convenient too. It gives us an immediate opportunity to feel connected and significant. We connect with ourselves because we feel like no one else understands what we are going through (as if I was the first guy to ever be betrayed by a friend). It also gives us a subtle high of significance, because we start to convince ourselves that life is conspiring only against us, as we question what we did to deserve its wrath.
This quick fix doesn’t last though, and what accompanies it is a long and drawn out feeling of powerlessness. We have no power because we’ve blamed everyone and everything except ourselves. Thus, for me to find power in my situation, I had to take some of the responsibility, because only in those areas would I find the power to improve my circumstances.
Again, it took plenty of practice, but I gradually became more mindful of my expectations, and instead of kicking myself (with my 20/20 hindsight) for all the danger signs that were right in front of me, I decided to extract the wisdom from my past experience. I promised myself I would use that wisdom until I was glad I went through such a challenging time.
I Am Cavalry
Over time, my broken heart healed, I got stronger, I got back on my feet and spent the next four years getting myself out of the hole. Through selling my possessions, finding odd gigs here and there, touring, and writing my book Unlearn, I finally got to a $0 bank account—no debt.
And gradually, I began to feel sincere gratitude for the journey I was on, and what I went through to get to where I was.
Figuring out how to go from $80,000 in the hole to $0 also helped me grow from $0 to a bank account with decent savings. My struggling days taught me the value of minimalism. I became a dramatically better judge of character, and looking back I realized how resilient I really was.
I no longer hope for a cavalry, I am the cavalry. I am no longer afraid to lose because with loss comes learning. I don’t question whether I need to trust others, because I know I can trust myself. Challenges and resistance make us stronger, so either we make ourselves uncomfortable so we can grow, or life does it for us.
We Can Choose
Although I’ve now completely forgiven my old friend, and even thanked him for the lessons I’ve learned, it all happened internally. I never made any proclamation or tried to contact him. After the passing of a mutual friend, he tried to reach out, but I didn’t need that energy in my life. I had already let it go, and there was no need to re-introduce it back into my life.
We need to let things go and forgive others, not for their sake, but for ours. We need to rid ourselves of the weight we carry around holding grudges, regrets, and the other burdens that try to pile up. We also need to let go so we can create a space where self-love exists, because most likely we’ll need that space to forgive ourselves, too.
I have indeed forgiven. And I am truly grateful.
Had I not gone through such a heartbreaking experience, I would have never dug deep into myself to write Unlearn. I would have never crossed paths with the amazing Marc & Angel, or read their books. And, most importantly, I would not have grown into the person I am today.
We can’t see into the future, but we can choose how much of our past we deliberately carry with us into today.
We can choose to let go and move forward, one day at a time.
Now, it’s YOUR turn…
I would love to hear from YOU in the comments section.
What do you need to let go of (or forgive), to move forward with your life?
Anything else to share?
Please leave me a comment below.
Author Bio: Humble the Poet (Kanwer Mahl) is a Canadian-born rapper, spoken-word artist, poet, internationally bestselling author, and former elementary school teacher. He has more than 950,000 social-media followers, and his first book”Unlearn” is an international bestseller. He has performed at concerts and festivals including Lollapalooza and has been featured in major media including “BuzzFeed” and “Huffington Post”. (He even got a standing ovation at Marc & Angel’s Think Better, Live Better 2019 conference.) Visit him at: HumbleThePoet.com.
Joanne says
Humble, I loved your story. I resonate deeply with the journey of letting someone go who betrayed me. It was a long road to recovery for me as well. So thank you for reminding me that I’m not alone on this journey. I still need to let my expectations go from time to time too. Even though I’ve learned so much. I sometimes still fall into the expectation trap of how I think things and people should be.
Also, I just went to Amazon and your Unlearn book sounds like a great coffee table, quick inspiration guide. I actually just bought Marc and Angel’s new 1,000+ Little Things book and yours together. I’m going to use both give myself that healthy dose of perspective on the mornings I need it most. 🙂
Kris says
Beautiful story! It really resonated. I needed to let go of the man I thought was my twin flame – I was ready to go the moon and back for him, yet he let go in the most cowardly way and just cancelled me from his life!
Because of the heartbreak I traveled and met a wonderful Buddhist monk who introduced me to meditation – it changed my life. The day I unfollowed him, deleted his contacts, emails and photos I felt an immense sense of relief and peace.
I manifested my current love one week later and I am ever so thankful for how bad my ex treated me, because of him I made sure to attract a man with qualities I needed in my life and a love do Big that I give my gratitude and thanks to the universe every day ?
Zar says
I’m experiencing the same Kris !!
A person just discarded me as a piece of thrash and withholding my belongings !!
The feeling angers me but day by day I try to talk my heart into walking away .
No doubt that this whole cowardly behavior has affected my self esteem !!
Jake says
I feel for you ma’am, I think I had the exact same situation except it was my wife who cancelled and ghosted me out of her life, I am so looking forward to a life of peace and relief and seeing someone else make it out alive and happy gives me hope for the future. I have adopted meditating as well and mindfulness. Slowly getting back to a point in where I am capable of being happy again. Just me and my three dogs have made it through this surreal situation and we want to be free of the heartache finally.
Kris says
Beautiful story! It really resonated with me. I needed to let go of the man I thought was my twin flame – I was ready to go to the moon and back for him, yet he let go in the most cowardly way and just cancelled me from his life!
Because of the heartbreak I traveled and met a wonderful Buddhist monk who introduced me to meditation – it changed my life. The day I unfollowed him, deleted his contacts, emails and photos I felt an immense sense of relief and peace.
I manifested my current love one week later, and I am ever so thankful for how bad my ex treated me, because of him I made sure to attract a man with the qualities I needed in my life and a love so Big that I give my gratitude and thanks to the universe every day ?
Vicky Williams says
My God there are some people with bad thoughts in this world. Yes I have been through the mill, thought someone really loved me but found out I was just their to do his chores, like wash, cook, clean and iron , with licks on top etc. At the end I was told women is to be treated like dogs and he did treat me worse than that after many years of ‘I will never hurt you again’. He never change, but love can be blind.
I pack my belongings and run as far away as I could. Thankfully I am resilient and I made a life of my own which I’m proud of to this day. I forgave him because I believe that un forgiveness kills one spirit. I am now happy with my life. Thanks for this story it helps me to never give up after downfall.
Donna says
Hi I have made up my mind to let go of my ex but I called him twice the other day because he knows I am a good person he believes that I should pull him out of his bad disigions and I have not got any time here for that. I have been through a lot myself and I am in the middle of building a success of my friends flat and career it is a struggle sometimes to keep things going when having a bad day but God has not failed me he has given me a lot of ideas and signs of how to get what I want he told me your enemies are not on your side their calling you crazy to throw me off guard read your Bible for they done the same to me. I have become bright and fearless against my enemy I always see a silver lining and it is attracting the right people my enemies are still there calling me mental and wanting me to repeat what I have done before but now I see zion my energy is never weary and I don’t take anything as a block I made the mistake only twice out of a month I forgive myself because I knew him a long time I won’t do it again for the Lord said you have everything who laugh last laugh best
Bev says
Thank you..I am still in the phase of learning to let go…I hope I can get to where yoi are…
Adreanna says
Such wonderful perspective. This post arrived in my inbox when I needed a shift in thinking too. There are absolutely some ideals I need to let go of…some things in my head that I’ve been holding on to for far too long. Thanks for the positive push.
Arabia says
Really great post! Thank you for sharing your story, growth, and wisdom with the world. I’m going through the process of letting go an unhealthy relationship with a guy. In life, I have a hard time letting go people and situations regardless if it’s good or bad (depending on what it is). I’ve been on this journey of renewing my mind in God’s word and gaining a healthier perspective when it comes to life, things, and people. I like the example about the dog and expectation/assumption. That will forever be ingrained in my mind when it comes to assuming and expectation of others. Thank you again, God bless!
Darren says
I love this story. I take a couple of things from ot that really stand out. Firstly, sometimes bad things happen and you should learn from them not let them consume you.
Secondly, often then worst experiences in life are what shape us for the better and therefore they turns out to be defining moments in our lives that we would never swap
Very insightful.
Dei says
I really needed this read, at this exact time..thankful and grateful for you, the author, and the other readers/listeners..wishing all of you so much love, light, peace, and happiness…i hope we get it all soon??
Heather says
Thank you. Just what I needed to hear this morning. Its all about self-love, believing in ourselves, trusting ourselves, our inner wisdom.. listening to our inner voice ..
Kim says
The wise trees know when it’s time to drop their leaves. They know they lose nothing and have everything to gain in time.
Thank you for the reminder and my your journey be blessed.
Bill says
I appreciate your story. At this time, I’m enduring relationship let down, debt accumulation (CC, Loans) and fear of not making it. I’m$ 50,000 in debt. I’m so much in fear that I’m frozen. I’d appreciate help. Thank you.
Sharon says
Funny how words show up when you need them. I too am learning to let go,not an easy thing to do. I am starting over at age 60 and it’s been a tad scary. Out of this I’m learning alot about myself and being reliable for myself.Baby steps of faith make me stronger and I’m doing it. Thanks! I’m going to check out your book for sure.
Sam says
Sharon! I felt such relief when I saw your comment. I am also 60 and am in the middle of my own new found adventure! I have days of both hope and despair. At times I think that life is focused on throwing every obstacle in my path, and at other times… there seems to be a sense that everything will be alright. The roller coaster ride of severe gut rot to feeling I can conquer anything Makes me exhausted, and I end up crawling into bed and sleeping for what seems like forever and a day. I keep telling myself that I am the author of my own book… how do I want to write out the next chapter…
Susan says
Sharon, your comment also resonated with me. I am in my late 50s, and learning as you are and feeling disoriented and scared at times as well. Sam, I get the roller coaster metaphor. Thank you both for sharing. It takes courage to do this.
tracey says
Wow, that was a hard story to read & even harder to accept the fact that you let it go. I’m going through somethings in my life that I just cant seem to let go. I had the LOVE of MY life betray me & then wants to act as if its no big deal & that we are the best of friends. While I have to accept that he is moving on with women that are younger, prettier & getting to enjoy the things we did together. That’s a hard pill to swallow & I really don’t see forgiveness in my future for him even though I try to FAKE like life is going well & what he did was no big deal. I wish I could say he BROKE my heart, that would be easier to deal with than the fact that he didn’t just break it, he SHATTERED it. Once something is SHATTERED it can be put back together but NEVER like it was before. I’m trying to move on & just LET IT GO & realize it is what is, but I cant I’m so angry with him & I want him to hurt. Why does he get to go on & live this happy go lucky life w/o consequences?
2ndly someone I thought of as family wanted to be roommates, I got a house I couldn’t afford ALONE but with the 2 of us, it would’ve been easy to keep. I got the house in my name & he gave me his share of the deposit & even bought furniture for his room, Then after that he only spent 2 nights at the house & I never saw him again, This is someone I let sleep on my couch for 6 mths when he had no place to go b/c we were “family”. I do know he’s alive & well, & he still gave no explanation WHY & I know I’ll never get one. I am a strong believer in KARMA but I’m hoping these to SHIT BAGS gets all the pain that life throws at them, and maybe I’ll never know if they got them or not, I DO KNOW that I just cannot forgive them & I don’t know if I ever will. I have sought therapy, I wrote in my journal & have engulfed myself in the things I love, like cooking, dancing, etc But I’m still hurting & so ready for the pain to stop, But like you said I have to take some responsibility and realize what part I played, I think that’s harder than forgiveness.
Pamela says
Tracey don’t waste another second of your life thinking about someone who doesn’t want you in their life. You deserve someone much better than that. Good riddance to him. Find someone who Wants to spend their life with YOU. I also cried after my husband of 21 years dumped me for a younger woman but after I realized and finally got it in my head I didn’t really want to spend my rest of my life with someone who didn’t want me, it was easy to let go. I eventually found someone much better. There is someone much better coming to you. Be patient.
Marylyn Bull says
Oh my goodness I can so resonate with all I have read, I have so much baggage to get rid of I think I have forgiven myself and others but it keeps coming back so I haven’t really done that. So how to is another matter I can read all good stuff but actually carrying it out is another matter I just find everything so hard and just too much to carry out all I do is make plans in my head, put them to my family and get cross because they don’t seem at all interested in changing our home life, everyone argues and we have no respect for each other,but how do I change it, changing me doesn’t cut it as they just go on in their usual way, sorry but I just don’t know how to change anything. So I stay upstairs away from everyone and then I feel at peace until I go downstairs and it starts all over again……Help!!!!
tony says
dear marilyn been there than that..I know what you going thru.. awful plain PAIN! every body against each other!
Nicolette says
I also need to be a better judge of a character, i trust people too much .
Your story has really taught me a lesson. I am on the road to forgiveness its not easy.
Poca says
Wow!! Humble The Poet, a phenomenal heartfelt ‘walk of life’ indeed. I say, ‘walk of life’ because unless one has literally walked on that particular path, it’s difficult to comprehend. And, your sharing couldn’t come at a most appointment time for me. I am walking away from an arduous, turbulent, alcoholic addicted seven year relationship today. And, your words of honesty, vulnerability, courage, triumphant and forgiveness, will ease my discomfort of what I must do for my health, heart, and sanity. THANK YOU!
Kindly, Poca
Shelley says
Thank you for sharing this-My husband and I had the same type of experience with a neighbor- the stories didn’t add up, things would be made right” in a few days” and so on. We are kind and generous people and we were taken advantage of. I later learned the term “ gas-lighting” and “border-line personality disorder” had I been aware that these things existed-we would have saved a lot of money and grief.
I’m posting this to help anyone else out there that has never been exposed to these techniques of serial con artists/they are out there and if you are in a relationship that just feels “off” google search the terms I posted above. Good luck and it’s hard to heal from these things but be sure that these people have done this to other people in the past, and will go through life always courting new victims-
Zainub says
I went through a similar experience and people often ask how is it that I haven’t fallen apart.
Truly God gives us lessons and tests to strengthen us. Nothing really phases me now. If it’s a bad day, I know it’s just a passing one.
You learn like the author to just ‘go with the flow.’ It’s easier than trying to fight the tide.
terri says
I have also struggled with many heartbreaks over the past 4 years. Forgive, but not forgotten was suggested, but the forgotten part has kept me stuck in the same place of remembering the betrayals and reliving the shock and hurt. Reading your story has been a tremendous reminder that we have to move through the resentment to a better place by taking positive action; doing things that we are proud of and not continuing to feel like a victim and actually punishing ourselves. I am working on trying to forgive myself and taking responsibility for what happened ….I unwittingly, allowed it to happen. I am just a fallible human being.
Brianna says
Terri, i have always heard forgive & forget, and others say forgive but dont forget. . I believe if we refuse to forget then we haven’t truly forgiven. Forgiving is what we do for the other person, forgetting is what we do for ourselves.
Ceil says
Marc and Angel,
Thank you soo much for sharing Humble’s story. For the past month,
I’ve been harboring bitterness over a relationship I recently ended with somebody I had considered a friend who turned out to be a narcissist. Six months of my life was wasted helping him reach his business goals while mine was left on the back burner.
Humble, you’re right…I must take responsibility for my part in this unfortunate situation. I hadn’t done my due diligence prior to taking him up on his business offer. Likewise, I chose to ignore the red flags that popped up because I kept hoping that he would eventually measure up and make good on all of his empty promises.
While I will never get an apology from that man. And doubt that he will ever contact me again, similar to you, for my own sake, I must learn to forgive and move on.
Thanks again for sharing. I wish you all continued blessings.
Ceil
Dee Dee Vogt says
Your article found its way to me after a very similar betrayal involving songwriting, debt and abandonment. I tried my best to rally and forgive over many years time…forty years! Then by way of Google I happened upon this person. Out of morbid curiosity I reached out. At first he came out with an immediate apology to me for one of his more heinous acts. Then he asked me to share some of my current memoir writings that he immediately pronounced as powerful and the truth. It seemed to be somewhat of a healing but by the next morning things degraded into him denying some of my more hard to live with memoir memories. . He began swearing at me and calling me a liar and hurling insults at me. He said it was hard to hear and later that night he drank too much and woke with a hangover. After an escalation of abusive phone calls I blocked him. I don’t mind saying that I began feeling victimized all over again and was literally sick for a week or more. It took me months to process what had just happened. There has always been something in me that doesn’t want to have bad feelings with or from anyone who passes through my life. I’m one of those people that tries hard to be civil and respectful with most all relationships I’ve ever had. Until this. Whatever happened here it wasn’t about me. I never sought his apology or wanted him to admit to any past transgressions. My fatal mistake was when he began weaving a fairy tale I asked “Do you not remember…” Of course he went insane. I wish I had not made that first call. I wish I had not availed myself to more hurt and confusion. But, I did and I learned my lesson. And healing did come from it. But it had to dance on every trauma experience I had ever had. I had to relive every experience and decision that had allowed me to become and stay so wounded. Truth is, I do not need his permission to write my truth. And through grace I give him his truth. Our viewpoints will never be the same. I have released him to his journey and my to mine. I have forgiven myself and him too. I skimmed off the good and left the bad. My friends all tell me that I have written their favorite quote “you’ll never make sense of nonsense.” And so it is.
Paula says
…me too
I really needed this today, Thankyou
Changing mind set I’ve struggled so hard with due to high expectations I own so yes, I too try to let them go from time to time
I take heart from this,
But I am really struggling with scenarios ongoing with family member. As can’t forgive and then move on and then have no contact,
it is always, ‘until the next time’ So wearing, as it’s not in my vocabulary to let go of family, but struggle also to deal with it on a personal level ongoing
Being an an honest person (can’t put a face on to fit in ) it’s about wanting to be understood and respected and feeling heard. (any pointers so appreciated ) I find it all rather traumatising and just want to accept and not be affected by negativity it brings, I guess it’s about loving self majorly
Ana Cedeno says
“We need to rid ourselves of the weight we carry around holding grudges, regrets, and the other burdens that try to pile up. We also need to let go so we can create a space where self-love exists, because most likely we’ll need that space to forgive ourselves, too…”
This right here!!! This is when the cavalry comes. Despite how those Narcissists etc may have treated us, we need to do what was mentioned, come to our own rescue and move ahead in faith, healing and self love. Worth the read… thanks for sharing!
Renitta says
Thank you Marc & Angel….I needed this. Your blogs I read daily gives me hope and healing.. The forgiving part is not there yet. I’m still a work in progress. Bless you!
Michel says
It’s is a very strange feeling that I am going true at this moment because of how my frame of mind is and I end up going true my email and I found your story and almost right away I was seeing myself and my own situation, and for some reason it felt warm and comforting and I seeing the light and answers to my so many questions and doubts. I am thankful for having been able to find your story this morning, it’s giving me hope and support and I also finally start my acceptance of the fact that I made mistakes and I need to forgive myself and realize that it is no ones else fault but mine for putting myself into a situation that from start I had a very awkward feeling about the whole situation but to not be alone I prefer to tell myself that maybe I was being negative and I needed to give it some time and to be positive about it and that everything would turn out good for me, but when your feelings are very strong and they are trying to tell you something now I realize that it means to listen to it because there is a reason for that!
Thank you
Michel
Cate says
Thanks for sharing your story . One thing to add though is that you are not to “blame” for your friends behaviour and I would go as far to say that you shouldn’t be blaming yourself at all. Maybe a reframing of the situation would be to say that you realised where you had some power to make different decisions where there were some red flags, but could later forgive yourself for trusting someone based on your own thoughts at the time. There lies your real power to make change:, which you did..and began to turn your life around. Not everyone’s eurecha moment is realising that “they needed to “take responsibility” or to realise that they were to blame. As someone who tends to blame themselves for things genuinely outside of my control, I find narratives about taking responsibility and accepting blame to be disingenuous and uninspiring and that they don’t address the underlying issue of feeling guilty at having made a series of mistakes..
Susan says
A very thoughtful story about our transmutation! It resonates with me on many levels. Lessons are our guides, they are what we are here to do and how we get our own wings. We sign on for them, agree to them, and then ride the ride of our lives to the other side…and find ourselves in the process. Thank you for sharing your story.
Anthony Byrd says
Thank you for your story. It was very inspiring. I have spent the past 32 years of my adult life; in unhealthy and unproductive relationships. In those 32 years, I gotten clean, lost both my mom and siblings. I am amazed that, I am still alive. I don’t know how, I’ve gotten through all this. I don’t have a successful career, money saved nor own my own home. I can empower myself but I just don’t know how to start but stories like yours and Marc and Angels blog are amazing. It’s hopeful that people go through similar struggles and get through to the other side.
Nicole Foreman says
Being betrayed is one of the worst feelings ever. Especially from someone you thought would never do it. Your story touched me and it is really inspiring to find self love and get rid of resentment and baggage. It is hard for me but self love is what i am striving for.
Rayzel says
Wow this was a great story- thank you for sharing something so personal. I have a chronic Lyme disease which is a very invisible illness – as such I’ve been judged and misunderstood by many including some close family members. I’ve had to distance myself from some of them and let go in the sense of trying not to experience negative feelings towards them for the unjust judgements and lack of understanding. I’ll be honest it’s been hard. But I work at it and try to focus on the things I can do with the people who get it.
Nejat says
What a story…I am sure you thought him what kindness & trust mean & i am so sorry for him while i am happy for you that you have reflected and became a better person. You are so brave! Thank you for sharing.
Private Person says
God bless and I commend you for not holding on to anger or bitterness. Glad you were able to take valuable lessons from this. But he sounds like a sociopath to me. Don’t minimize/underestimate the level of dysfunction you were dealing with. Learning more about sociopaths might help you recognize and avoid predators like this in the future. Good luck and God speed!
Perla Milner says
Thank u! Great story and such truth… PEACE… living life in peace with yourself and with those we love and care for… “IMAGINE” all the people living life in PEACE?
Eunice says
I can’t let go of my disappointment in my son. He was married to a wonderful woman, had two children, and when things went bad, he walked away. The main reason things went bad is that, although he graduated from a good college, he could never hold a job longer than a year. He always ended up mouthing off at somebody or not showing up when he was supposed to. He felt entitled to everything in life just because he existed. He was a failure. Now he is a clerk in a grocery store; his ex-wife carries a full-time job and raises their children. He contributes no financial support and sees his children once a week for a few hours. It’s not as if we beat him or deprived him or, conversely, spoiled him. And his dad and I are both honest, good, responsible, and hard-working people. I still cannot understand what happened to him. I blame myself, and it still hurts.
J hopeful says
Unfortunately I am going through something that is a double massive betrayal. My husband and I were having problems (26 years of marriage – together for 30) so of course I confided to a friend of mine – a year later he left and now they’re dating.. they were dating the second he left so of course they were more than likely together before that- I had her over for dinner once a week when she was separated as I thought she might be lonely. She didn’t care about the demise of her marriage and neither did her husband – no one was surprised since they never really liked one another anyway. He denies she was the person he had an affair with but I don’t believe it and neither does anyone else/ I’m pretty certain they have convinced themselves Of it as they’ve lied so many times they believe it now. He denies it to make her look better- as if she even could- she is not a good person and never will be – we were all friends for 10 years. Went on family vacations together parties Fourth of July etc. the day I found out about my husbands affair she and her husband separated a week later- She was the one friend I never told since We did so much together I didn’t want her to hold my husband in a bad light- I didn’t tell too many people anyway. I tried to work things out with him but it was too difficult for both of us as he never came clean about who it was and told me “I deserved it”. I made plenty of mistakes in my marriage – don’t get me wrong- and through counseling and praying and trying to understand why this happened I have learned a lot. I can say my husband was a wonderful man husband and father for many years and was never “that guy”- he was always committed to his family and to me and our life and our children. He does seem to have snapped and gone through a midlife – he was so angry when he left (I was too) – but I didn’t want the separation and he already had something going on- so I keep wondering why he’s so angry? We have had some nasty texts and emails- he continues to defend his anger and was mean about leaving – took nothing with him but clothing- left me with all of the mess and responsibility of a home that is 35+ years old and of course the maintenance.
I feel destitute emotionally and was literally crying on the floor for like 4 hours a day for about 6 months at least and at a year I’m doing better but have setbacks and triggers. I am very thankful however for a decent settlement that Allows me to keep our home and be financially secure- I know many people are not that lucky. I have wonderful kids- but the discord that has gone on in the past year has been awful for them (they are both teens) and of course they’re confused and think it’s weird and awkward that their dad is dating someone that was one of their moms good friends. She has been smug and entitled and cruel and diabolical- she left me the minute he left but continued to go to the movies and dinner with me – all the while seeing my husband – lying to my face- blowing me off and I kept trying to reach out to her- she lied to my face about so many things and turned out to the the worst kind of person and betrayer. Even when my friends asked me if I thought something was going on I would say no way! She would never stoop so low and be so cruel. I was dead wrong. I was a fool. But I told my husband that I was guilty of thinking they were both better people than they were.
Don’t get me wrong I was furious and devastated and angry and hurt and really wanted to kill her- I am trying to work through these feelings. I now think I am maybe a catch again- my self esteem was never good to begin with – but I’m shape – athletic- fun- and if I do say so perhaps I am even pretty- inside and out. This sounds shallow but my husband is good looking and we were both always super active- she is overweight -not very attractive – does nothing- they have nothing in common – BUT she’s rich – and that was always important to my husband- I never made enough money for him. I know I should not want him back and I don’t- I want the person he was – just to be a good person again and not think this is ok. I am embarrassed for my kids as everyone knows about them – he didn’t have the courtesy to tell me first- he told everyone including our son before he told me which sucked even worse-this being what it is- I do pray for him- but don’t feel like I’m the perfect person- I wanted him to suffer and I still want her to suffer more than I have – I admit I would feel nothing.
I am trying to forgive and let go- but as we all know that’s easier said than done. I have days where I rage and days where I’m a puddle and days when I actually think I might be ok. I may never forgive her – but I do forgive him- because I know the person that was good and I pray to god that he can be again – I hate the platitudes that “well there’s something better for you and all that bullshit” but it’s not bullshit even though I can’t see it now- I know that god has a plan for me and I have to start to love myself again if able to forgive and to let go.
I am confident that one day I will be at peace and much more qualified to deal with this- and I don’t think either one of them will be as happy as I will be- because their relationship was built on lies cheating betrayal and hurting now only me but both sets of children on both sides.
They go on an expensive exclusive vacation tomorrow (he got an inheritance that he made sure I got none of and she’s loaded) with both her kids and ours (of course are kids are friends so that makes it even weirder) – I’m hoping I can set a good example rather than a bad one even though admittedly I hate her guts and want her to be miserable- I’ve said much that I should not have to our kids and he had as well. At this point I told both of my kids to have a great time and I would miss them and to have fun- as much as it pains me- I have to take the high road- it totally sucks but once the smoke clears (not soon enough on my timetable) the view should be like a rainbow after a sweet summer storm.
I think when we’re down we need to remember how many others have it far worse than we do and that by moving on or forward- as Marc and angel have said so many times- doesn’t negate the past or our good memories or even forgive sometimes- but it allows us more peace and happiness not to be stuck dwelling on things that hurt us emotionally and physically – I know the toll this can bring and I’ve lived it- Inhave done the wrong things and the right things. I have to forgive myself- and build a better relationship with my soon to be ex since that is what’s best and when we talk we are finally getting along better (as long as we don’t talk about her- but if I do I give her more power and the bitterness and betrayal set in again). She is nothing – I am me and I’m something. Life totally sucks sometimes I’m not going to lie- but I think maybe finally getting out of the weeds- so if you’re like I was a year ago- have faith- trust me I was so angry and depressed I never thought I would want to go on- but I have- and we don’t have a choice do we? So keep on keeping on- Best of luck to everyone out there and as Marc and angel always say “you are not alone” peace. And I will be praying and hoping for you all.
Pete says says
Thanks for sharing Your post it gave me hope ! For a better future for me
Ann C says
After reading the post and most of the comments I realized a song I had been listening to today was written for you. Brandi Carlisle wrote and recorded it. It’s called Every time I hear that song. But the chorus words are “by the way, I forgive you, After all, Maybe I should thank you for giving me what I’ve found, because without you around I’ve been doing just fine, except for any time I hear that song.”
It was written for me too.
Binu Gori says
Your posts have really good timings in my life. Whenever the situation is worst your posts come around to motivate me. I can resonate this post as now in my life the things are not the way I expected ever, but it is the reason because I chose it by myself. Today the way I treat my life, the same way it is treating me back. Today morning I was blaming many others, why this only happens to me every time. But reading this post I felt I was wrong and now it’s my time to let it go and forgive others for what they have done because I can’t change them but I can change my thoughts.
Thank you, Marc and Angel, for letting us know the wisdom of life through your posts.
mimijay says
Humble i really needed to hear this from another person for a moment i thought forgiveness was only the weakness of an individual.But i have learnt today that forgiveness is not for the other person but rather for the one who is forgiving.It is something we all need to do in order to attain some level of peace in life.
Elizabeth Griffiths says
Preordered the book!
Jamie Felix says
I am grateful from hearing a message like this and how it reflects me in so much ways where I see myself in the same situation. I am an alcoholic and I’ve been though a rough life growing up and everything from ganglife and drug dealing. I changed my life around from ganglife to being a military solider. But during that time I lost my twin brother in a homicide. I took my life away and I lost myself into drugs and alcohol. Over the years from 2012 till this day I struggled with addiction. It was hard for me to get over each and everyday. I got myself into AA and tried hard to get sober in life, but challenges came up with my emotions and I never faced them to let go of in my life. My twin brother was my best friend, we did everything together and were always with each other. Every year at the end of march I went to his grave and prayed. Telling him I loved him and missed him. I couldn’t let go of the fact that he was gone and the only thing I had left was the memories we lived up until he left. One of my hardest moments in life and it took time and positive thinking, readings, church, AA, vidoes of meditation and time. To get over the lose of my brother. This book helped me out with alot to get myself into being happy with life again. Now I am in with the Canadian forces, youth worker, and fitness training, modeling and acting. Just following my dreams and my twin brothers dreams. Living life to the fullest and trying every moment to fulfill the time I lost in addictions. Working towards soberity and worshipping the lord. Moving forward in my journey to live a happy positive life for myself. To have a family in my future and my son who will be named after my twin brother John James Felix. We my new best relationship will start up again with my new best son and friend John James Felix. Hope for the best in life and the clouds will soon pass and the light will shine to where my dreams come true.
JD says
Im sitting here reading this amd listening to Johnny Cashes “Mercy Seat” as I struggle with PTSD, Depression, bipolar2 and a wife who isnt faithful. It has given me hope that maybe I can make it and not harm myself. Thank you
Vineet says
Whenever we feel like ‘we should let go of what hurt us, who hurt us’, it creeps into our minds that probably we are letting them get away easily, they deserve something that will teach them a lesson. But what really happens is that we keep on carrying the burden while the other person just does not care.
Letting go is a real life saver. Once you let go, you can move ahead and do what you really want to.
Great post, once again..!
AD says
Well said! Vengeance may hurt the other but only after killing the real self . What will be left later would be us questiong “who am i,what have i become”.
Letting go may not let one get revenge but can definitely help us to keep up to our own ideals and values that play a role in defining who we choose to be.
Co says
I just love reading your posts! As it has helped me threw the terrible times in my life! I’ve been reading how narcissistic people can affect your life. My biggest problem, is that this is my mother! I have grappled with, so much of her nonsense, I finally, blew my lid! I said things I felt, but were awful! So I have been on a very big guilt trip!… my husband was In icu for many days, before, she said to me, how can you be worn out? You don’t do anything?!?! ( in other words I don’t work currently, I’m 60 years old, and retired… after a life time, of this behavior from her, I cracked, and reacted! I’m know in the process of letting go, however, I did not do it gently!! Therefore, suffering and not forgiving myself. I tried to apologize, but that was denied! Reading all of what you say, has helped me so very much!! I tried to purchase your cd, but was not successful in the transaction. If you could contact, me directly, I sure could use your and others perspective… thank you!
Scott Stewart says
As always guys, great article. Letting go of anger, resentment, hurt and loss are so difficult. Over the last few years I have struggled greatly with regret. After a series of really poor decisions after a relapse into addiction, I lost everything. But the worst was loosing my family. I really had no idea of how much they really did mean to me until it was too late. Even now, five years later, I am just beginning to forgive myself and let go of the regret..which I believe is simply a lack of forgiveness of myself for the choices I made.
I have hurt so many people, those dearest to me, my daughter and my former wife, are the most difficult to deal with. But, just as your article so eloquently points our, it’s our thoughts that stifle us, strangle our spirits and snuff out any chance of letting go, that must be conquered. And I choose that word carefully. It is a battle…a constant battle.
In my personal journey I have discovered two character defects, and actually one comes from the other, are what keeps me suffering. They are pride and self-pity. I don’t know what is so horrifically gratifying about self-pity, but I find it so easy to fall into “why me” thinking. As if I’m anyone special and that I should be allowed to avoid the consequences of my poor choices. Which leads to the pride. If I were to have simply admitted my mistakes early on, humbled myself, and truly accepted my part in things, I wouldn’t have lost everything and I wouldn’t have hurt those dearest to me. But again, I’m all that and I wasn’t wrong. I had reasons for my poor choices…don’t you know.
Utter nonsense.
So, yeah, it is hard in the reaping season when we have been unwise in the sowing season. The fruit is sour today when it was so sweet. But the sweetness returns at least slightly when I begin to see purpose through it. When I am able to help those I have met along the way. I am discovering that fulfillment comes from usefulness to others and an inexperienced person has little usefulness. It is our mistakes from which we learn.
On the good side of things, my daughter is slowly coming back into the picture. The truth be told, there were several years that the thought of suicide was prevalent. It was my inability to see how that would benefit her. She literally saved my life because I knew how much she loved and needed me.
Marc and Angel, you both have played a role in my recovery and my acceptance of responsibility, the forgiveness of myself and the beginning of the letting go process. And it all started with your initial email invitation 30 Things to Start Doing for Yourself, I think is what it was. It resonated like the voice of God speaking to my soul directly. Thank you for that.
Jay Rowden Photography says
Thank you so much for sharing this incredible story. We’ve all had our share of ups and downs, some more than others. But crucially, as discussed here in this beautiful story, it’s how we choose to react to the bad times that counts. Thank you again for the story which resonated with me big time, and for your life saving blog which is valued by so many people across the world. Take care and God Bless, Jay