by Emma, creator of Simple Slow & Lovely
“It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.”
— J.K. Rowling
Dreams and a vision for our future are wonderful things to have. They can inspire us, keep us motivated and help us to do scary things. But what happens when we don’t achieve our dreams? What happens when you wake up in the middle of your life and realize you haven’t done the things you thought or hoped you would?
If you had shown me a picture, 15 years ago, of what my life would look like today, you would have had to scrape me off the floor. There would have been disbelief and a whole lot of ugly crying. So I’m glad I didn’t get that memo. But I’m surprisingly okay with the picture of my life today. Actually, I’m not just okay, I’m happy.
Dreams vs. Real Life
Back in my twenties, in the thick of postgraduate studies in Psychology, my dream was to get my Ph.D. and be teaching Psychology in some world-renowned university far away from my own little country. I also dreamed of qualifying for the Boston marathon and completing an Ironman.
Fast forward a couple of years and I’d downgraded to a master’s degree, a half Ironman and was working a corporate job. And while those are still incredible achievements in most people’s eyes, I felt defeated and disillusioned. I had dreams and didn’t achieve them. In my eyes, all I could see was failure and mediocracy.
Thankfully, in my thirties, after discovering concepts like minimizing and slow, intentional living, I began to see what was really important. And I’ve discovered the most surprising thing. Most days I feel a deep, unshakeable joy – despite my failed dreams. In fact, this joy is present not just despite, but because of my failed dreams.
I am joyful because I know that I’m exactly where I’m meant to be. But also because of six specific things I do to practice acceptance and to cultivate more joy everyday.
I am grateful
I try and practice gratitude daily. But there’s a trick. I try and keep it simple. It’s not always the stereotypical bedtime list, sometimes it’s a small thought in the middle of a full day. Practicing gratitude doesn’t have to be a full 20-minute routine. A grateful heart is sometimes just a feeling. It’s the feeling I get when I’m out cycling and see an eagle gliding across the paddocks, or the feeling when I hear my 5-year-old’s infectious giggles.
When we haven’t achieved our dreams it’s easy to fall into resentment. Gratitude can reduce feelings of resentment by boosting our self-esteem. The path from gratitude to joy happens when we shift our awareness away from resentment and envy.
I look for happiness in the journey, not the destination
I used to think “I’ll be happy when I get my Ph.D.”, or “I’ll be happy when my daughter starts sleeping through the night”. My happiness often depended on these big life events that I thought needed to happen. I didn’t realize that happiness isn’t always found in these concrete achievements or milestones. Happiness is more often found on the way there.
I don’t remember the night my baby started sleeping through, but I do remember the long nights snuggled up against her tiny body, waiting for deep sleep to come. Happiness wasn’t what I felt crossing the finish line after 6 grueling hours in the water, on the bike and running (possibly because I was too exhausted!). But I have many happy memories of training for that event. In both cases, the journey was more life-giving and joyful than the destination.
I seek simple things
These days I’m far more likely to find real happiness watching my 5-year-old catch ladybugs than in a work achievement. I get immense joy from little things. Simple things. I’ve made a habit of bringing my awareness to things like the way the morning light is falling on our deck, or the carpet autumn of leaves in our backyard. I feel more joy over simple things, things I have no control over than those I’ve worked for years on.
Finding joy in the day-to-day monotony is important. Ph.D. or not, there will always be laundry to fold, and dishes to wash. If we can’t find true joy in our everyday ordinary lives, then it’s unlikely we will find it in the extraordinary. I like to cultivate joy in the simple things.
I celebrate my life so far
As I approached my 40th birthday last year I decided I would do something concrete to combat the disillusionment I could be feeling about my thwarted dreams. So I made an un-bucket list. I didn’t want to make another list of all the things I wanted to do over the next 40 years. Instead, I wanted to focus on all the things I’d done so far.
And the exercise was very enlightening. Firstly, I realized that this mediocre life I thought I was living was far from mediocre. I’d ‘achieved’ far more than I gave myself credit for. But secondly, and more importantly, my list included things that made me love myself. Like getting a mohawk, learning to love gardening, and deciding to love myself. It was full of weird, quirky things that made me, and I believe I love each of these things and the part they’ve played in my 40 years, more than I would love having that Ph.D.
I accept that life is seasonal
Understanding that life is seasonal has been one of the most freeing things I’ve ever experienced. Humans beings are an extension of nature. Which means we are bound by the laws of seasons, just as nature is. We need our lives to be seasonal. Understanding the need for winter, and rest has been a hard lesson, but worth learning.
When I allow myself to fully be in the season I’m in, I am more accepting of myself. I’m currently in the season of small(ish) children, and accepting and embracing this means I feel less resentful about the book manuscript that isn’t finished.
And there’s a wonderful truth about seasonal living. Seasons come, and they go. This week may be tough, but next week will be better. Or, as Marc and Angel say in 1,000 Little Things, “Happiness is letting go of what you assume your life is supposed to be like right now, and sincerely appreciating it for everything that it is.”
I seek connection over achievement
When I started reading about minimalism and essentialism a few years ago, I fairly quickly realized that it wasn’t about the ‘stuff.’ I could declutter all I wanted but if I wasn’t focusing on what was essential at the same time then it would all be for nothing.
At its heart, minimalism, or slow living is all about paring back to the basics in life. Cutting out the extraneous noise to focus on the things that truly matter. Like connecting with others. If I do nothing else with my life, but connect deeply with others, I don’t think I’ll regret a thing. In fact, I think I’ll be extraordinarily happy with my ordinary life, loving others.
Now, it’s your turn…
Our dreams won’t always eventuate. We will often deviate from the path we think we should be on. Sometimes a failed dream is what we need to show us what life is really about. We don’t have to live extraordinary lives to be extraordinarily happy. Don’t hold the destination so close, look out the window and enjoy the ride.
And of course, I would love to hear from YOU in the comments section.
Which point in this post resonated the most today?
Anything else to share?
Please leave me a comment below.
Author Bio: Emma Scheib of Simple Slow & Lovely gained her Masters in Psychology in 2013 and has since worked full time in corporate research positions for government agencies. She recently gave up her ‘dream job’ to pursue being a (happier) mum, living a slower pace of life. She is dipping her toes back into her long-lost love, creative writing on her blog. Connect with her here.
Anna Rodriguez says
Wonderful post today! In my 68 years on this planet I have found your point about life being seasonal, and appreciating life for what it is at the moment, to be very true. I’ve had so many ups and downs—marriages, deaths, births, successes, and failures, etc.—in my life. Everything changes, that’s the one thing we can count on. And that’s why we need to tune into our present lives and appreciate what we can at the moment. Because in a few moments from now, things will be different again.
Deborah Young says
Good Morning, Your post was exactly what I need I woke up this morning just feeling so terrible. I sat down to my computer not knowing how my day was going to go. I was sooo worried about how I was going to meet all of my obligations and feeling like I would never make it and I read this article an immediately started to write my gratitude list. I realize that my life is good as it is and today is going to be a great day and I thank God for you and this site. The two of you are angels and I appreciate you!!!
Emma says
So glad it was exactly what you needed Deborah.
Mark says
Just look at how many times you have written the first person singular pronoun in the above comment…
Shannon says
“Connection” that’s really what’s it’s all about. I resonate with that aspect. Because at the completion of our Earthly lives— what really mattered most is our relationships with others and you can’t have that without connection. And…in all honesty l, there is no such thing as failure. One thing leads to another…
Emma says
Thanks Anna. Yes, everything changing is about the only thing that is guaranteed!!
Joanne says
I love the raw honesty in this short entry. In a way, it reminded me of this quote that I just wrote down in the notes on my phone this morning from 1000 Little Things: “You’re not the same person you were a week ago, a day ago, or even an hour ago. You’re always growing. That’s life. And the very experiences that seem so hard when you’re going thru them are the ones you’ll look back on with gratitude for how far you’ve come.”
Thank you for these reminders that dreams are not always better than the ‘normal’ lives we’re actually living on a day to day basis. Things are changing, and we’re adapting every day. Let’s appreciate our ability to do so. Let’s enjoy the journey.
Lenny J. says
I love the notion of “loving our ordinary lives.” Thank you for this one today. So glad I signed up for the email updates on this blog. 🙂
Jubert says
So inspiring and authentic? We all wish we could have done some things – but should never lose focus of what we’ve done so far. Life is meant to be lived?
Fiona Sweeney says
Thank you for sharing l have had really bad insomnia and anxiety and reading this wonderful post has made me feel so much better l can really relate to everything in the post but particularly can relate to the gratitude part.lm grateful that l read this post today.
Angelo Maldonado says
That was a beautiful Post guys?. What I needed to hear this beautiful morning.
Judy says
Thank you for this blog! I will keep it as a reminder to keep my head and heart in the present moment and in the proper perspective. I was a Type A achievement oriented leader who has been sidelined and mostly housebound by ME/CFS for the last 20 yrs (just turned 70). I’ve been forced from a high level multi tasking life to that of a monk’s, forced from focusing on doing to simply being. Each point in this blog hit home with me and will no doubt help me at low points when I am grappling with the worthiness and meaning of my life.
John Trapen says
I know that life is seasonal. But there are part of it I have difficulty overcoming. I have only one child, a daughter who will turning 18 next week and will b off to college in a few short months. I just can’t seem to accept that she is no longer a child. That she won’t live in our home any longer. That our wonderful relationship will never be the same. That I’m no longer her hero. People tell me I should relish the memories from all those years and move on. I just can’t, and now I find myself in a deep depression that I simply cannot over come.
Craig says
John,
relish the memories but don’t move on. Keep them close to you but now work on recreating a new relationship with your daughter. It will be on a different level and context and you are correct, you are no longer her hero, BUT you are now her equal and trust me, she will need you more than ever but in a different way :-). And it can be just as rewarding and satisfying but just different.
I have just gone thru exactly this the past few years with my daughter (now 21) and my son (now 20). Try and look at it as a evolution or journey with new beginnings and experiences.
Be patient and give your daughter space allowing her to grow and find her way, make her own mistakes, fail, fall, learn and get back up.
Just be consistent, loving and not pulling at her and instead be her safety net (by just being there for her). She will with time know you are there and the foundation of a new relationship will start to be built :-).
Hang in, you got this 🙂 New Beginnings! …
Linda Sebree says
I really do understand your pain, because I felt the same way before our youngest son left home. He’s been gone 15 years now, and I still miss him so much, but having him share with me all that’s going on in his life keeps me satisfied! I have often wished I had one or more daughters to talk with about womanly things, but I’m very thankful for my 3 sons! Volunteering is a wonderful outlet to help one forget about their pain and losses. Mentoring and assisting a young child who is struggling with reading has helped me to fill a gap in my life, as well as establishing a special bond with a young person who needs encouragement. I also visit a young woman in the state prison who has no one else to visit or encourage her. This too has helped me to feel needed and appreciated. And I recently signed up to help a Chinese lady who needs conversational English in order to improve her language skills. Now I have a special bond with this young woman! There are many worthwhile volunteer jobs out there, and I’m sure there’s one that can help to ease your pain during this difficult time in your life. One more suggestion is to pray, as well as to read the Psalms (they are so comforting!) David was enduring so many struggles when he wrote them, and they help me to gain strength from God, just as he did. May God bless you through this time of adjustment, and I will keep you in my prayers!!
Ann C says
When my only child turned 18 I read something about if you make your child your life, when they leave what will you have? I started finding hobbies, getting to know my husband again, making new friends. It’s a major adjustment but I survived. When my husband died I was sure I would too. But nope, 17 years later I’m still here, with my hobbies, and my friends and a joy for living and gratitude for my life. You will survive this.
Mutie says
Its informative article thanks.
Charmine says
This one hits me the most.. “Happiness is letting go of what you assume your life is supposed to be”. Just this morning upon waking up, I felt like there’s no one else better than my ex bf. I ended crying again 🙁
jj coco says
Letting go is so hard. My youngest of 3 daughters recently moved out at age 26, and I can’t believe how difficulty this adjustment is. she is the most independent thinker of all 3, often the wild child, but by far the most caring and kindest person I know.
At the same time, the position I applied for at my job was given to someone else, and I was moved to another department. Resentment and anger, and why me??? hard to let go and move on. gonna take some time, but feel like these are really bringing me down.
i know i’m stronger than this, and I have many blessings, but right now, the strength is not there just anger, resentment and feeling like I failed.
Jane Hill says
I am an older American …Have been positive all my life.
It is true ALL you dreams will not come true. However
You simply change Dreams and keep on thinking positive.
Negative thinking can NOT be allowed.
You MUST build a screen to block any negative thoughts.
(A Negative catcher) Sure they try to enter.
No one can …afford ….to think negative. Block them.
Life is great & Wonderful & Good. (We have life lessons for sure.)
Accept you Lesson learn it & go on.
Lorna says
I love the concept of seasonal living.
Thinking in those terms creates a more gentle, accepting outlook on life. And that it is forever changing. I really like that thought, it is comforting. Living in the here and now is something I am trying to do and accomplish right now. For I use to live only in the past or future. The present was at that time, to hard to deal with. But with time, I was able to bring myself here. And it is great!
I have hopes for the future and I remember the past and share stories. But the present is where I live now.
I felt a bit guilty being grateful throughout my day and not writing them down. I understand now that it is ok and important to do it that way or whatever way is good for you.
I truly enjoy your writings, thank you!
They have helped to pull me out of some dark days and see the light.
Darla Lincoln says
Today’s quote from on Marc and Angel’s book, was a very powerful one and had great meaning for me. I’m 85 years old and finding life’s problems bigger than life’s rewards. 12 years ago I lost my husband of 49 years and shortly after that my son became very ill and died at 42. In the last three years I’ve had to be in the hospital three times and in rehab for weeks each time. What is there to be grateful for? I am blessed in having a loving and caring daughter who now lives with me. We’ve faced each crisis together with love in our hearts, and now we are preparing to move to a cheery new home and looking forward to new starts.
Joan says
At age 71, I have broken my arm. As I recover, I am finally slowing down. Realizing I don’t have to be ‘doing’ all the time. It’s been a time for reflection on all that I and my hubby have accomplished. Never had a bucket list so I like your idea of an un-bucket list. I trying to re-discover what I like to do when I am not working. Finally having a little time (enforced during healing) for me, to figure out what I really want going forward. Life has been an ongoing push to get this or that done, Put food on the table, pay the bills etc.
Rhonda Lawson says
I fully agree, it doesn’t always have to be a “list” of things to be grateful for. It can be finding my husband’s wallet with my foot – under the covers, in the wee hours of the morning – before he’s actually even gone looking for it. It’s questioning whether wearing second-hand clothes diminishes my self-esteem, then deciding that wearing next to new is actually a plus. I alter the clothes and wear them with pride whether or not they were bought new.
Further, to echo your portrayal of thwarted career plans, I like what the “robot” says in the movie “Passengers,”
“You’re not where you want to be, you feel like you’re supposed to be somewhere else. Say you could snap your fingers and be wherever you wanted to be. I bet you’d still feel this way. The point is, you can’t get so hung up on where you’d rather be, that you forget how to make the most of where you are. Take a break from worrying about what you can’t control. Live a little.” – Arthur, Passengers (2016)
I had a situation early in my career when I unexpectedly lost a job. Soon after, I went on a ski trip to Switzerland, but had become so depressed because of the job loss that I didn’t enjoy the trip. I always regretted letting myself be in that depressed state of mind. So, ever after, I decided not to let disappointing outcomes affect how I experienced the present moment.
jj coco says
That’s amazing advice. How do you pull yourself up like that. So sorry you missed out on enjoying that trip. I’ll keep that as my inspiration. looking forward to a fun weekend with my kids next weekend, and this depressed state of mind can’t rob all the joy that lies ahead.
thank you
Shobana says
Life is meant for living.Love your dreams while staying rooted in reality and try to pull together the two as close as you possibly can….what results is God’s plan for you. To accept something is to go beyond that thing…loosely quoting Einstein. And always remember….”Life’s not fair but is still great.”
jj coco says
look out the window and enjoy the ride. I’m going to give it a try. always been so driven by achieving and advancing to the next level. maybe that was for one stage in life, and the next stage is differerent.
Dawn says
This was great just what I needed to hear. Been reading about the life satisfaction curve ,this echos the same. I’m 54 and my life has not turned out like I thought. Going to psychics and being foretold an exciting future that hasn’t come true has added to my sadness I’m experiencing now. Don’t visit psychics is the lesson here.
Cristi says
I couldn’t love this post more. I haven’t reached all of my dreams but I’ve reached far more than I ever thought I could. Frankly, that’s enough for me. Some days I don’t even have dreams. Perhaps I do but I lose site them because I am a very busy professional at a company and role that I love and one that I never imagined was within my reach as a younger person. I have held higher status positions but status doesn’t matter. It only serves to feed the ego. I’m happy. Super happy. Life isn’t perfect but it’s got all of the simple pleasures and comforts I need (dogs, beach, family, comfort and great medical insurance ?) and I’ve never dwelled on what others appear to have, luxury bathroom aside! I know many wealthy people in big homes who are miserable and many seemingly well off people that others envy that are living an illusion life.
G.G. Day says
Heavens, yes, I hit a crisis as did my husband who with two Masters degrees and many dreams belittled all that he DOES do for what he thought his parents would have liked to see him do and that which he expected to be doing at this age in his life. I came up with the idea, “What’s done is done…hang on to what is good and let go of that which hinders or torments…and focus rather on what opportunities to use our talents and skills arise today, this week, this month, this season.”
Meanwhile, I was a late bloomer having obtained my first degree at 65 and this year my last degree at 72…and learning to use the rifle approach vs the shotgun approach to goals…honing into what I believe I am destined to do right now and spending what time I have left accomplishing that while letting the rest go.
Letting the dredge fall where it will has allowed us to enjoy the gift of life, love, and laughter…Your words resonated deeply.
+-Life. says
Thank you for sharing your inspiring story! 🙂
I think a philosophy that has helped me quite a bit is adopting the Stoic principles.
It’s basic principles simply outline that bad things are expected to happen and that we should detach our feeling and emotions from them especially for events we have no control over.
You might want to check it out if you’re interested about knowing more, it has totally changed outlook/perspective on life!
Joanne Reed says
Great article! Small things count. I believe that every person great or small has important work to do. But it doesn’t have to be something extraordinary or amazing. It can be something very small, like thinking well of yourself and being satisfied with who you are, what you want to be and what you want to do. I also believe that it is more about the journey and less about the destination. The point of life is just living. No need to put so much emphasis on reaching a destination. Happiness happens every day. The only thing you have to do is: wake up, dress-up, show-up and do the best you can every day; repeating the process over and over again.