Let’s start with the bitter truth:
You will never be as good as you think you should be.
And life will never be as easy as you expected.
All of us are faced with the same reality. There will inevitably be times when we slip up and fail to meet our (unreasonable) expectations of ourselves. It’ll likely happen quite often too. And if we don’t embrace these slip-ups and failures as necessary lessons learned, we will gradually and unknowingly become self-conscious about everything we’re not doing and achieving according to planned.
Honestly, it happens every day to the best of us—we hopelessly catch ourselves thinking about how we’re falling short.
We worry that we haven’t made as much progress as we thought we would. We worry that we’ll never be as productive as we could be. And our worrying just leads to more senseless worrying.
We worry that we don’t…
- have better-looking bodies
- get to the gym more often
- accomplish more of our goals
- etc.
We worry that we should be doing…
- something better
- something more amazing
- all those amazing things the people on TV and social media are doing
- etc.
And so, we’re left feeling guilty that we’re not as good as we should be—that we’re not doing the perfect thing at the perfect time, ever.
The good news is that thoughts like these are natural, because the human mind isn’t perfect—it worries about things. But we can learn to catch and control these thoughts, so they don’t catch and control us.
Letting Go of Our “Perfect Life” Fantasies
To an extent, we all have this lavish idea in our heads about how our lives are supposed to be. We fantasize that we should be living a different and better life…
- A life without procrastination and failure
- A life with spectacular feats of success
- A life of travel and adventure
- A life with perfect friends, family, and partners
- etc.
And through it all we’re supposed to be smiling too, right?
Wrong! That’s not how life really works. At least not 24/7.
The truth is, we are miraculously flawed human beings living miraculously flawed lives. And the “miraculous” part only transpires when we accept and make the best of what we have.
Close your eyes and reflect on the present reality of your life, and whisper, “I am OK. Life is OK. I will let my present life situation be what it is, instead of what I think it should be, and I will make the best of it.”
The key is to accept the fact that there’s no such thing as a perfect life. There’s no perfect thing you should have already accomplished, and no perfect sequence of things you should be accomplishing right now.
There’s just this moment you’re living through and what you choose to do with it.
And yes, disappointment with this moment, with yourself, and with others is often part of the picture—there’s no escaping this reality.
But what will you choose to do…
You can be disappointed in this moment and do nothing, or you can practice being satisfied with the opportunity to make the very best of it.
Making the Best of Your Ordinary Life
When Angel and I guide our course students through the process of letting go of their “perfect life” or “perfect self” fantasies, we cover a four-step practice for doing so. It’s a simple series of steps that can work wonders at any given moment in time, but it takes some diligence (it’s not necessarily convenient or easy):
- When you feel your “life isn’t good enough” anxiety rising, pause, close your eyes, and notice that you’re in the process of worrying about what you’re not doing, or what you haven’t yet achieved. Notice the feelings of disappointment you have with yourself and your life at the present moment.
- Accept these feelings of disappointment as a part of you, focus on them, and just allow yourself to feel them. As you focus, notice the emotional sensations of this feeling throughout your body.
- Open your eyes, turn your attention to the present moment: what are you doing right now? Put all of your awareness into this moment—be 100% present with the physical and emotional sensations of whatever you’re doing.
- Notice that the present moment is enough—enough for right now. It doesn’t need to be better. It doesn’t need to be anything more. It’s good enough already, in its own unique way. And so are you.
Again, this is a practice—a life-changing daily ritual—and it’s not something any of us will ever be “perfect” at. We just remind ourselves often, and when we forget we remind ourselves again, and we begin again with our practice. One day at a time. (Angel and I build life-changing daily rituals with our students in the “Goals and Growth” module of the Getting Back to Happy Course.)
Oh, and this short article, by the way, is as much a reminder to Angel and me as it is a guide for you or anybody else who might find value in it.
We’re all in this one together.
May this moment be as good as we collectively choose to make it.
This Moment: Our Most Precious Resource
As I wrap up here, I’m reminded of something Angel and I have learned the hard way from the most heart wrenching moments of our lives—losing loved ones early and unexpectedly:
Death is an unpredictable inevitability.
Embracing this fact provides a renewed sense of awareness, to realize that we’ve lived a certain number of days, and the days ahead of us are not as guaranteed as the one we’re living through right now. When I think of this I am reminded that every day truly is an opportunity to be grateful for, not in a clichéd kind of way, but to honestly appreciate what we have here, and to admit that we alone are responsible for the quality of our present lives. This makes our self-respect and positive focus evermore important, right here, right now. It leaves no time to wallow in self-pity and self-doubt.
The last thing any of us wants to do is die with regret, hence why respecting the reality of death puts life into perspective. It humbles us and should also deeply motivate us to lead our lives and make the best of it…
Less criticizing and complaining.
More acceptance, appreciation and enjoyment of this blessed yet often ordinary life.
Love where you are right now. You’ve come a long way, and you’re still learning and growing. Be thankful for the lessons. Take them and make the best of things right now.
Your turn…
Before you go we would love to hear from YOU.
How has the pressure coming from peers, family, work, and society in general affected your perception of life?
All of us deal with this pressure, and if we don’t have the “right” job, relationship, lifestyle, and so forth, by a certain age or time frame, we start believing we’re not as good as we “should” be, and we quietly scold ourselves behind closed doors for not living more glamorous lives. Angel and I hear about this kind of self-defeating mindset from our course students on a daily basis, and we aren’t immune either.
The four-step practice discussed in this post will undoubtedly help, but we’d love to hear about your firsthand experience with this phenomenon. How have you coped?
Please leave a reply below.
Kara says
I opened my email inbox a few minutes ago, saw this post, and knew I had to take a couple minutes to read it. And I’m so glad I did.
Truly, you just reminded me of some of the breakthroughs I made earlier this year after I attended your conference. I used the inquiry tools you walked us through to overcome feeling inadequate and behind in my field.
I’m an artist and I find myself comparing other successful artists’ ages to my own, and this is what made me feel “not as good as I should be.” The internal dialog went something like… “Wow! She is 10 years younger than me! She’s been been featured in a dozens of galleries and art magazines already. Here I am in my early forties and I’ve only been in two galleries and no magazines.”
But the passion I have is strong. And your wisdom has been pushing me forward. I’ll keep making art because I know it’s in me. Thank you for a really good read here, and for continuing to motivate me each week with your emails and the excerpts of your book that I often revisit.
Matteo Evannae says
Thanks for more enlightening guidance, M&A! Through your teachings and coaching I’ve gotten better at seeing my challenges as stepping-stones. I’ve gradually come to understand how true it is that long-term strength, opportunity, confidence, and even making money are often the direct results of short-term pain, sweat, fear, chaos and unforeseen challenges.
I may feel pressure from society to be a certain may by a certain time, but when my mind is set right, every rough situation in life has some kind of positive silver lining! It’s only a matter of looking at it in the right light, and taking positive action.
Sally Jarvis says
It’s only 7 months since my husband was rumbled in a 2 year affair that he regularly denied. My heart is breaking still – he tells me I should be over it after 31 years of mostly a very happy marriage. He is blissful with his now girlfriend. I can’t drop that love so easily, but am doing all the right things: divorce nearly compete and house nearly bought … still working two jobs and church work. It just doesn’t cure the ache I have and the longing I have for someone to nurture … and that very big bed …
But I’m doing my best not to compare myself and my situation to anything…
Sandy says
Hi Sally,
I too have recently been through a very tough divorce and one that I did not want. My husband of 27 years also decided to have an affair and when I found out about it my heart was broken. I truly believed that my husband was my sole mate and that I would be with him for the rest of my life. If you talked with anyone about my marriage they would all have said that we had the best marriage and they all wished they had a marriage like mine. Until a year before my divorce I also felt this way and I was completely unaware that my husband felt otherwise. He truly kept his feelings hidden from me. So, I have had to learn to figure out who the new me is. From always being someone’s wife to being a single person has really been hard for me. The posts from Marc and Angel have really helped me. I read each one and apply it to my situation and whenever I think a bad/unsure/worrying thought I try to immediately replace it with a positive one. After over a year of being divorced this constant thought process has finally started working and I no longer think that I was at fault, I am not good enough, I am not beautiful enough, etc. etc. It has been tough but you will get through this and it will be difficult. There is just no getting around that. Yes, I still have a lot of longing and the thing that I miss most is the closeness I felt with my husband, to have someone love me, hold me, and want me. Everyone tells me that this will happen again and I pray that it does. I also know that if that does happen I am the only person that can make that happen. So, long story but I am blessed to have found Marc and Angel’s posts and thank the associate at work that helped me find them.
Wendy says
Thanks Sally and Sandy. I’m currently going through a divorce after 30 years of marriage. I’ve also recently been diagnosed with a rare autoimmune disease. The two are occupying my every thought, and to say my thoughts about my life are negative would be an understatement. I needed to read M & As post today, and I’m so glad that I scrolled down to your comments. I definitely want and need to think about the positives in my life; it will surely make a big difference!!
Valencia Ray, M.D. says
The pressure coming from others has gotten the best of me many times, but like others have said in the comments above mine, your teachings have helped me keep my cool. And being more present has been a real game-changer for me! It’s taken me awhile to practice bringing my focus more on the present moment, but it’s calmed my anxiety substantially, especially in chaotic situations. Thank you for this incredible post, and thank you for everything you write and share online and off.
Donna says
I have just turned 60, and my career has been making marked developments the past 7 years after coping with my husbands breadwinning layoff 8 years ago from which he never uprighted. I have been feeling the pressure to make a better breadwinning income myself and have strived and stressed with major fallout in my health and relationships. Our hardships have caused me to pray and search for new tools to find inner peace and transformation, and as I make major healing strides in my emotional and spiritual development, I am starting to realize that the goals I want to achieve in my career and lifestyle are like a fleeting mirage that pales in comparison to the substantive personal transformation I have experienced during this difficult but very rewarding journey. Finding peace and sharing love is the bread and butter of life.
Your article helps confirm this for me, and I thank you!
Jennifer Dias says
When I read various articles and books about the habit of negative thinking, I question my own self talk. I haven’t figured out what words I use inside my internal dialogue that put me in a negative state. I’m not one to deliberately use words like, I am worthless, I have wondered about this for many years. I assumed it was some sort of learned mood I picked up from childhood. Or maybe I was just born a negative person. But after I read this article, I realized this is exactly how I put myself in a negative state. You have helped me define the internal dialog I do use and now I can recognize it and deal with it. I can’t tell you how much I tell myself on a daily basis what I “should” or “shouldn’t” be doing.
For example, I have always been very disciplined about getting up early and starting my day with inspirational reading and journaling. You would think I would recognize this and give myself a big self hug. Instead I find myself saying, I should have gone to church yesterday, or I should be get up and offer coffee to those who are just getting out of bed, or I should start going back to the gym this week. My mind is constantly in a should mode and constantly telling myself I am not what I should be. One big light went on as I read this:
There was a consistent message I received when I was growing up. I hadn’t thought about it until I read your article. I remember when I would share my feelings with my mother when I was growing up and questioning life. Her response was “You shouldn’t feel that way.” Somehow this thinking was placed in my head as internal dialogue a long time ago.
It’s great to be learning and growing. It’s never to late to learn something new about ourselves. I love the feeling of being free of thought patterns that don’t serve us well. Thank you as always for bringing this to light. In deep gratitude.
Sona says
Your blog has been my single biggest support and motivation for me this past decade in dealing with “life” and it’s “challenges”. And it continues on…will forever be very thankful.
Hollyn V Hendershot says
Thank you both for sending me your newsletter to my inbox.
There’s always another way to look at a problem and fix it and its helped me deal with a few of my own. Thanks, Hollyn
Jonathan says
Our perfect life is often in front of us due to the imperfections. Living with perfection is exhausting and chasing after the wind. Our journey to becoming better is an adventure in thinking, emoting, being, and doing. Thank you for this lesson and the value we have by letting go of our expectations to be perfect and the standard we think others hold us too.
Érica Melo says
Boa tarde,
Good afternoon,
Muitos desafios que, ultimamente, têm me afligido: tenho
conseguido passar por eles com mais graça e paz; graças a vocês.
Many issues that, lately, has haunted me: I’he got through them with more grace and peace: thanks to you both.
Obrigada,
Thanks,
Érica Melo.
Donna Kayarian-Chiacchia says
Is anyone’s life truly “ordinary”? I believe everyone’s life is unique to them, based upon how they chose to deal with every aspect of it. Therefore, our lives are not “ordinary” at all, they are extraordinary as we choose to make them. Life in general, is many times difficult; seems to me that most of my difficulties that I had direct control of were of my own making but they typically brought me to a place that was so much better than where I was. I always look to improve whatever I can improve. The control I have is the effective management of my free will. I would like to suggest that we embrace our lives as “extraordinary”.
Maggie says
Thank you so much for this helpful article. It’s so easy to start comparing my life to others and feeling inadequate and lacking. it’s good to be reminded to look at the things that are going right in my life and appreciate them – and myself!
Thank you again for being a voice of compassion and reason.
Jennifer says
Thank you for another very valuable post. This absolutely hit on exactly where I am today. Like others have written, I can’t thank you enough for all your insights and strategies for living our best lives. Reading your blog is invaluable to me, and I’m deeply grateful. I’m printing this post and reading it everyday for awhile. How free it makes me feel!
Rhona, Mumbai, India says
Thank you Mark and Angel for the posts I receive from you in my in box. Im the worrying type so your posts really help me time and again. I think of where I am and from where I have come “miraculously” inspite of my human being “imperfections” . I like this thought I picked up in this post. Tomorrow is a new day…. Thanks again.
Teresa Ewa Kaczmarczyk says
This is a good reminder to live in the moment and make a best of it. It actually compliments what I have been feeling today. I am in between jobs, and usually I let the stress of job hunting and fear of not finding work get the best of me.
Today for the first time I allowed myself to just relax and trust that the right job will find me and in perfect time. I also used this time to just rest and take cared of me emotionally.
This is so new and it felt so good. And then I read your article, and it just confirmed that I am on the right track. Thank you for this synchronicity, it made me feel even better that I was able to arrive at the right mid set!
Gray says
Thank you for this post, and the bitter truth that I should accept.
The past years I’ve been worrying too much about job security, health and dying in a foreign country when I am now. I almost always dream about a perfect life or something better than I have, but I understand now that I’m just delusional – my life is okay. It’s just a matter of changing my perspective, thanks to you and all your positive articles.
I’m letting go of worry regarding job security and being alone. I need to make up for lost time with how I handled my health and worries.
God bless.
Kat says
Thank you Marc and Angel for yet another reminder about preciousness of life and the value of letting go. I have struggled with a feeling of not being loved/wanted for decades in my family home and in marriage, going through bouts of severe depression and then a humiliating breakup, and afterwards, staying vulnerable to my ex husband’s (of 23 years) ingrained opinion of me. Such deep wounds, when you realize you’ve never been loved, stay with one forever, but you can learn to gradually let go. I can see my progress whenever I stand up for myself (not only to my ex), whenever I put myself first. Slowly I am starting to believe I have the right to do that. This year I progressed to a decision of realizing a life long dream, without caring about people’s opinion of me. I am in a process of selling out and moving and I don’t know what will happen, but I am willing to let go of control and to just trust life. I am telling you, this is a first and it makes me proud. I have survived and I am moving on. I can laugh again. I accept myself and I like myself – yes! I want to love, but I don’t hang on on “being loved to survive” anymore. I am looking forward to the second half of my life with hope and joy. Wishing everyone here the same and so thankful to M&A for their wisdom that has been with me for so long. All the best.
Erika Burgos says
*WENDY – if you are suffering from an auto-immune disease, please read a book titled “Eat to Live” by Dr. Joel Fuhrman, and also visit his website and reach out to his office for help. It’ll give you your life back like it did mine! Never stop hoping!!
Illustre bertin says
your articles are really touchfull and helpfull we do follow you ..