Be mindful. Be grateful. Be positive. Be true. Be kind.
If the grass looks greener on the other side…
Stop staring.
Stop comparing.
Stop complaining.
And START watering the grass you’re standing on…
Truly, the most powerful weapon against stress on the average day is our ability to choose one thought or response over another. I was reminded of this today when a reader named Sarah sent me the following in an email (I’m sharing this with permission):
“I sat down with my two daughters, ages six and eight, this afternoon to explain to them that we have to move out of our four-bedroom house and into a two-bedroom apartment for a year or two until I can find another job and build our savings back up. It’s a conversation I’ve been avoiding for over a month, as I’ve struggled with the doubts and regrets of not being able to provide a financially stable household for us. But my daughters just looked at each other after I told them, and then my youngest daughter turned to me and asked, ‘Are we all moving into that apartment together?’ ‘Of course,’ I immediately replied. ‘Oh, so no big deal then,’ she said.”
Is that not the most mindful, optimistic response imaginable?
I hope it inspires you to train your mind to see the good in everything, even when it’s hard. The peace and happiness of your life in the long run heavily depends on the quality of your daily thoughts and responses. Optimism is your choice today. It’s not an inborn trait bestowed on a lucky few — it’s a skill that can be learned and honed. Let those two little girls be your guides, and allow this short read to fill in the gaps…
Since there is no one-size-fits-all, step-by-step guide to being more optimistic, I’ve compiled a short list of strategies that we’ve successfully implemented with our course students, coaching clients, and live event attendees over the past 15 years. Here are some little things they now do differently, mostly behind the scenes:
1. Optimists make optimal use of the available options.
Most people get irritated by those who seem “too optimistic,” but this is often just an unfortunate misinterpretation of the difference between an optimist and an idealist. An optimist is really just a positive realist who is neither naive, nor in denial, nor blind to the realities of life.
An optimist believes in the optimal usage of all the available options no matter how narrow the supply. As a result, optimistic people are able to better see the bigger picture. They can more accurately visualize and mange the present possibilities. For comparison’s sake: An idealist focuses only on the absolute best aspects of situations, a pessimist sees no positive possibilities at all, and an optimist strives to see all the possibilities so they can find the best possible option among them.
So when picking lemons off a lemon tree, an idealist reaches for the ripest looking lemon and expects it to be the tastiest, a pessimist settles for whichever one is closest, while an optimist picks all the lemons in sight and makes lemonade. (Note: Angel and I further discuss this habit of optimism in the Happiness chapter of our New York Times bestseller, “Getting Back to Happy: Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Reality, and Turn Your Trials into Triumphs”.)
2. Optimists give themselves grace and acceptance.
As a child you impressed and inspired yourself on a daily basis. You ran, jumped, swung, sang, and danced openly without a care in the world — without worrying about what everyone else thought of you. You didn’t need anyone else’s constant approval, because deep down you knew you were amazing.
But as you grew into adulthood the pressure from peers, popular media, and society as a whole began to wear on you. You started comparing yourself to everyone around you. You judged and measured your body, your lifestyle, your career, and your relationships against other people’s lives. And when you realized that many of these people have things that you do not, bitterness set in and you gradually stopped appreciating all the great things you do have in your life.
Optimists defend themselves against this self-dislike in two primary ways. First, they get back to trusting their own intuition when it comes to their daily activities. They stop asking for everyone else’s approval and simply do what they know in their heart feels right. Second, optimists don’t judge themselves against a set of unrealistic, third-party ideals. They let go of the ideals and instead hold on to the belief that they are always good enough just the way they are, even as they grow into stronger, wiser versions of themselves.
3. Optimists disconnect happiness from long-term achievement.
In order to be optimistic you have to be generally content with your life. In order to find this contentment, you have to look within yourself. Happiness after all is mostly an inside job.
If you constantly look for happiness outside yourself, by tying it to a specific achievement you must reach for example, you have two big problems:
- You may never succeed. – If you feel like something is wrong with you and absolutely needs to be fixed ASAP, but you continuously fall short of fixing it, you will start yourself on a downward spiral where every time you fail to fix it you feel even worse. Eventually you will be unable to succeed simply because you no longer believe in your ability to do so.
- You may succeed and decide you want even more. – If you feel like something is wrong with you and absolutely needs to be fixed, and you succeed at fixing it, you will likely find something new about yourself that needs fixing too. Maybe you’ve lost 20 pounds, but now you want tighter abs. Maybe you’ve paid down your debt, but now you want a bank account with a million dollars in it. You get the idea. It’s a never-ending cycle for your entire life. You never reach it, because you’re always looking for happiness from external achievements. You don’t find the happiness from within so you look to other sources.
Optimists set boundaries and disconnect long-term achievement from daily happiness — they give themselves permission to enjoy each moment without the need for anything more. This isn’t to say that they are complacent. They still set goals, build habits, help others, and grow, but they learn to indulge joyously in the journey, not the destination.
4. Optimists keep good company, and become good company.
In the long run you are only as good as the company you keep, and misery loves company. So do yourself a favor and dodge other people’s negativity as often as you can. Remember that optimism is a learned habit and it is positively contagious. Surround yourself with positive, emotionally supportive friends and family — people who could infect you with their optimism, so you can then pay it forward…
How can you pay it forward?
Be kind and positive right now, right here, in your own life, in whatever way you can. Just be kind and positive. There’s so much going on that we cannot solve — so many people we can’t help. But your kindness and optimism can make a significant difference, in your own life above all, and in the lives you touch. (Note: Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the Relationships chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)
5. Optimists embrace life’s ups and downs.
Just because you’re an optimist doesn’t mean you’re not going to have bad days. You will have plenty of bad days, that’s reality. Life isn’t always rainbows and butterflies. A foundation of realism keeps things in perspective and helps prevent things from being blown out of proportion.
Expecting life to be wonderful all the time is wanting to swim in an ocean in which waves only rise up and never come crashing down. However, when you recognize that the rising and crashing waves are part of the exact same ocean, you are able to let go and be at peace with the reality of these ups and downs. It becomes clear that life’s ups require life’s downs.
Bottom line: Prepare for the downs but capitalize on the ups; the former makes you sensible and the latter makes you an optimist. (Read Learned Optimism.)
6. Optimists use positive language and gestures.
It’s not always what happens that determines your mood, but how you express what happens that counts. For instance, when an optimist experiences a bout of success she might say, “That’s just as I had anticipated; I studied hard and my diligence paid off,” while a pessimist might say, “Wow, was I lucky to get such a good grade on that test,” not giving herself any credit and literally snatching her own defeat from the hands of victory.
If an optimist encounters a do-it-yourself project she can’t figure out, she’s likely to say something like, “Either the instructions I’m following are unclear, or this project is going to require a bit more effort than I thought… or maybe I’m just having a rough moment here.” In other words, an optimist uses positive self-talk to keep the struggle outside herself (“the instructions”), specific (“more effort”), and temporary (“a rough moment”), while the pessimist would likely get down on herself and interpret the same struggle as internal, widespread, and everlasting.
Go ahead and follow in the optimist’s footsteps by speaking to yourself in a more positive way regardless of whether you succeed or fail, and you’ll gradually become more optimistic.
Physical body language is also important. Your smile actually influences your mood in a positive way. When you feel down, your brain tells your face that you’re sad, and your facial muscles respond by putting on a frown, which in turn conveys a message back to your brain that says, “Yep, we’re feeling unhappy.” On the average day (when nothing extreme is happening) you can flip the switch on this internal reaction by adjusting your facial muscles into a smile so they don’t correspond to what you’re feeling. This is a clever way of sending a different message back to your brain: “Hey, life is still pretty good and I’m doing OK.” And you’ll actually begin to feel a little better, gradually.
Now, it’s your turn…
Yes, it’s your turn to declare this day a worthy one! So let’s start the rest of the day off right with renewed energy and an attitude that things will keep flourishing and getting better. Let’s be hopeful, optimistic, and focused on staying positive and taking consistent positive action…
And before you go, please leave Angel and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay and it’s ideas for creating optimism. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
Which one of the points above resonated the most today?
Finally, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Amy says
Marcandangel, you’ve done it again. This is so much on point.
Lessons Learnt
1. Yes, happiness NEVER result from the things one possesses.
2. Nobody is born with 100% optimism, rather it can be learnt and through the things you suggested, one can actually train him/herself to become more of an optimist.
Bravo!!!
Arun Dongrey says
Yes. It is true that you have to cultivate ‘optimism’…
Israel William says
Wow that was a great learning experience. We are learning and growing. Learning new things with each new article, especially the body language part. Keep it up Marcandangel you are doing a great job of transforming lives.
JJ says
A great reminder for me today to simply start y practicing gratitude!
“I’m thankful for the things I have in life right now.”
“I’m thankful to have some good friends.”
“I’m thankful to be alive, even as a struggle a little.”
It’s all a mental game. Thanks again M&A!
Lucille says
I truly was inspired by this today! I can say that there have been numerous times when my thoughts and words were negative.. and that the outcomes were indeed negative. Learning to stop and think about this has made me realize that by thinking positively vs. negatively, I was so amazed at the outcome! I wanted to experience that content , that happiness, that “feel good feeling” again and again. I am still working on being less and less negative and more and more positive.. despite daily obstacles and situations. Today I read this and it reminded me once more how good optimism is! Gratitude Marc and Angel.
Tareese says
Excellent post. Every point resonated. Your emails and links to new posts always land in my inbox when I need to read them most. Thank you.
My additions to the conversation:
1) Exercise energizes my body and mind to take on the challenges of the day, and always lifts my spirits.
2) I love having a live plant in my office. It’s nice to enter the room or turn around and see a thing of natural beauty. It somehow makes me feel more alive.
PS. The Think Better, Live Better conference last year was truly life-changing! Thank you for the experience! Looking forward to next one (I’m hearing early in 2024 perhaps).
Marg says
Agree with you on all points!
Walking has always been my God send!
A good walk at the end of my day, clears out the cobwebs, helps me resolve anything left in my ‘In’ box and the walk spiritually and physically ‘reignites’ me
My plant supply is limited but I have two active puppy dogs and five kitties.
Nothing like PURE Unconditional Love to greet you at the end of your day!!??
GRACE says
Great summary here, Marc. I’d also like to add three things makes me feel better and more optimistic that I was just journaling about this morning:
1. A good run – makes me feel alive
2. A good read, like this one 🙂 – makes me remain positive
3. A good post on my blog – makes me think.
Anyway, the difference between idealist and optimist is brought out really well. Key takeaway from this – Optimists are not born; Optimism can be learned.
Thanks for the insight. And thanks for your amazing book, too!
Emma says
Love this Marc and Angel. I have always gravitated towards negativity but I actually think as I get older I tend to look more on the bright side. And I LOVE #3. Long lasting happiness (or what I prefer to call joy) is never fueled by achievement 🙂
Vee says
Great advice on being optimistic! To me, optimism is purposely choosing a helpful perception – from reframing a stressful situation to a challenge, or focusing on what you do have instead of what you don’t. I love how you write that optimists aren’t blind for the realities in life – such an important distinction. Thank you for sharing Marc and Angel…for all that you share on your blog, and the private coaching sessions I completed with you last year. I’ve been making a bunch of progress by putting your teachings to the test.
Lori Anne says
Through adversity, I acquired an inner knowing that no matter what happens to me or around me, I am the ‘soul’ source of my experience of reality. I am both the architect and the artist of my perception of this life, dependent on my point of view. A point of view which heavily depends upon living fully in the present moment. I hold an unfailing ability to see love, joy, beauty and grace in the world. Everyone does. Once you have seen this truth, you cannot un-see it.
This doesn’t mean I am happy all the time or bad things do not, or will not happen to me. It does not mean that I do not feel compassion for the suffering of others. It is actually the opposite. I feel everything even more keenly.
This ‘Way’ of being in the world, of seeing the world as inherently good, of life as ultimately hopeful, and beautiful and sacred, is an exercise in flexing my ‘intention’ muscle every day. This loving outlook is an awareness I cultivate consciously. It is my spiritual practice of divine perspective. It is an intention of being a non-judgmental observer of myself and others. It involves, much of the time, my being unreasonably optimistic.
Vishvala says
Like Tareese said, your new posts always arrive at the right time. All the points you make for an Optimist are so good. My favourite is number 2….. Be Happy with who you are!
Jason says
Wow this article touched me deeply.
It is like a bible i will keep dear to my heart and close to me at all times.
A reminder to always be optimistic and not idealistic. Being idealistic sets one up for failure because he isn’t prepared for the downs.
Thank you so much Marc & Angel. Have a blessed day and all the fulfilment of your hearts desires. I hope i can meet you guys some day. Much love.
Gray says
Thank you for this. I will print it out and refer back to it. As a lifelong sufferer of anxiety and depression, this is a good reminder and illustrative for me. I have had extreme losses and now a parent with dementia and sometimes it is hard for me to see the good.
Thanks. 🙂
Becky says
Great essay/article!! I like myself so much better when I’m friendly & looking for the good in people & situations. I needed to read this to be reminded of how good my life is! Ty!!!!
Mark Kratzer says
I’ve always been an optimistic guy but am so glad I stumbled onto you two.
This article is a perfect reset for me. Life is a never ending learning process and reading articles like this one is a great way to become better.
Everything written here is spot on, I just needed to hear it again.
Absolutely loved the little girl’s response to moving. In the past 15 years, I’ve lost my father, mother, a brother I owe my life to, and now another brother, who was always kind, caring, and supportive to me. Family is so important. If you don’t think so, wait until you lose them. I’m grateful to have had them as long as I did. Still, it doesn’t make it any easier to go on without them.
Reading about that little girl wondering whether they’d all be moving together was, both, moving and insightful.
That’s a girl who knows what’s truly important.
The 2nd point I needed to read was the importance of not beating yourself up. I do that too much.
I resolve to stop from now on.
It’s too destructive. After all, if you are what you think about and you berate yourself for your mistakes, soon enough you’ll believe it. For now on, I’m changing my response from, “I completely screwed that up” to “Yeah, that wasn’t good, but at least I tried. Now I just need to work out why and go at it in a different way.”
You two need to change your names to Angel and Angel because that’s who you are.
Mark Kratzer
Heather Ebel says
Loved the wonderful example you presented in the beginning, with the two girls moving into an apt. Leave it to children to always lead the way ! As always, your messages are so real and ‘do-able’, because you keep it real ! I’m thoroughly enjoying your book ‘What successful people do differently.’ And also actually do the 30 day exercise you put in there – it’s rare for me to be so committed. Congrats ; )
and thanks for your guidance and help !!
David T-G says
Thank you to my sister for pointing me here to a GREAT read! This was insightful and eye-opening. After a good-overall but rebellious & rocky adolescence, through adulthood I’ve found myself generally happy, averaging about +1 on a -10 to +10 scale, but have never quantified why. My attitude and demeanor have been challenging for some at times, particularly the approach of (wow!) externalizing the failure rather than condemning myself and going on to learn or reinforce from the episode, but it has helped me stay pointed forward. Just now, for instance, I was able to be optimistic that I could successfully close all of the ads & popups that tried to interrupt my reading, I accepted that I missed a couple and just closed those tabs and fine-tuned my pointing, and when one video started playing with audio and disturbed my still-sleeping wife I reinforced my commitment to never visit a strange site without a Bluetooth earpiece connected. Every moment of every day is either awesome or terrible, and it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy 🙂
Vesna says
Hello everyone 🙂 great article. I was also touched by the story of a little girl who certainly thinks optimustically. The love and joy with which she is surrounded have made her such a treasure. It means that sometimes we need to think like children who are always waiting for “tomorrow” with excitement and a smile. As we get older, I think we should be realistic and look at things from a better angle. Smile on your face and move on?