It is better to be alone than in bad company.
A big part of who you become in life has to do with who you choose to surround yourself with. Sometimes luck controls who walks into your life, but you decide who you let stay, who you pursue, and who you let walk back out.
Ultimately, you should surround yourself with people who make you a better person and distance yourself from those who don’t. Here are some general warning signs you’re in the presence of the latter:
1. They only make time for you when it’s convenient for them.
It’s obvious, but any relationship without regular interaction and communication is going to have problems, especially when there’s a lack of commitment.
Don’t waste your time with someone who only wants you around when it’s convenient for them. You shouldn’t have to force someone to make a space in their life for you, because if they truly care about you they will gladly create space for you.
Being in a relationship with someone who overlooks your worth isn’t loyalty, it’s stupidity. Never beg someone for attention. Know your self-worth, and move on if you must.
2. They hold your past against you.
Some people will refuse to accept that you are no longer who you used to be – that you’ve made mistakes in the past, learned from them, and moved past them. They may not be able to stand the fact that you’re growing and moving on with your life, and so they will try to drag your past to catch up with you. Do not help them by acknowledging their negative behavior. Keep moving forward.
Holding on to the unchangeable past is a waste of energy and serves no purpose in creating a better day today. If someone continuously judges you by your past and holds it against you, you might have to repair your future by leaving them behind.
3. You feel trapped.
Healthy relationships keep the doors and windows wide open. Plenty of air is flowing and no one feels trapped. Relationships thrive in this kind of unrestricted environment. You can come and go as you please, but you choose to stay because where you are is where you want to be.
If you want to be a part of someone’s life, all the open doors and windows in the world won’t make you leave. If someone has closed them all in an effort to trap you into something you don’t want to be a part of, it’s time to find the strength to kick down the door. (Angel and I discuss this in detail in the Relationships and Self-Love chapters of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
4. They discredit your dreams and abilities.
If you allow others to define your dreams and abilities, then you enable them to hold you back. What you’re capable of achieving is not a function of what other people think is possible for you. What you’re capable of achieving depends on what you choose to do with your time and energy.
People will throw all sorts of assumptions your way about what is possible and what is impossible. Look beyond the presumptions and mental limitations of others, and connect with your own best vision of how YOUR life can be. Life is an open-ended journey, and what you achieve comes from what you expect to achieve and what you work to achieve.
So don’t worry about what everyone else thinks. Keep living your truth. The only people that will get mad at you for doing so are those who want you to live a lie.
5. They have lied to you more than once.
Love is a verb, not a noun. It is ACTIVE in all relationships. Love is not just feelings of passion and romance between lovers; it is also a behavior among friends and family. If someone lies to you, they are unlovingly disrespecting you and your relationship.
When you keep someone in your life who is a chronic liar, and you keep giving them new chances to be trusted, you have a lot in common with this person – you’re both lying and being unloving to you!
Bottom line: Those who avoid the truth and tell you only what you want to hear do so for their own benefit, not yours. Don’t put up with it. (Read Emotional Vampires.)
6. Their negativity is rubbing off on you.
The negative people in your life don’t just behave negatively towards you, but towards everyone they interact with. What they say and do is a projection of their own reality – their own inner issues. Even if they say something to you that seems personal – even if they insult you directly – it likely has zero to do with you.
This is important to remember because what these negative people say and do shouldn’t be taken to heart. Although you don’t have control over what they say and do; you do have control over whether or not you allow them to say and do these things to you. You alone can deny their venomous words and actions from invading your heart and mind. If you feel like these people are getting to you, take a break and give yourself some space to breathe.
Positive things happen when you distance yourself from negative people. Doing so doesn’t mean you hate them, it simply means you respect yourself.
7. They are excessively envious of what you have.
A little bit of envy is OK, but when someone is excessively envious of what you have, there’s a good chance what they really want is to take it from you.
Excessive envy doesn’t tell you how much someone admires you, it tells you how much they dislike themselves. If you can, try to help lift them up, but also be careful that they don’t pull you down. Oftentimes no amount of love, or promises, or proof from you will ever be enough to make them feel better about themselves. For the broken pieces they carry, are pieces they must mend for themselves. Happiness, after all, is an inside job.
8. They motivate you to be judgmental or hateful.
Truth be told, no human being is superior. No faith, race, size or shape is inferior. All collective judgments about others are wrong. Only judgmental hypocrites make them.
If you judge others by their skin color, their body size, and their outer beauty, you will miss EVERYTHING about who they really are. It is amazing the quality of people you will learn about and meet in this world if you can simply get past the fact that lots of people are not dressing and living the way you do.
People who motivate you to judge or hate others are as bad as bad company gets. Avoid them at all costs. (Read The Mastery of Love.)
9. They want you to be someone else.
Spend time with people who see you the way you are, and not as they wish to think you are. Spend even more time with those who truly know about you, and who love and respect you anyway.
If someone expects you to be someone you’re not, take a step back. It’s wiser to lose relationships over being who you are, than to keep them intact by acting like someone you’re not. It’s easier to nurse a little heartache and meet someone new, than it is to piece together your own shattered identity. It’s easier to fill an empty space within your life where someone else used to be, than it is to fill the empty space within yourself where YOU used to be.
Your turn…
What would you add to the list? What’s one big warning sign you’re in the presence of bad company? Please leave a comment below and let us know.
Photo by: Bhumika Bhatia
Cc says
I was involved with a man whom I thought was “sent from Heaven”. However as we became more comfortable with one another and “let our guards down” pretty much every warning sign mentioned was present.
It wasn’t until I removed myself completely that I realized how denigrated I was and began to build back up what had been torn down.
Today I look back at that relationship with gratitude of lessons learned.
Judi says
Negativity can totally create a desire to refrain from being in that person’s person. If you lie to me once, what else are you lying to me about? If you hide matters from me, what will be the result when they are revealed?
Lord, please have truthful words, and I will bring a positive attitude, and my life as an open book to You.
Jeb Harrison says
Excellent list, as always. Really opened my eyes to some dysfunctional relationships that I need to fix or flee.
Gay Storm says
How can I have a relationship with my children who fall into this category?
Charlotte says
Great list! About a decade ago I became friends with a woman with whom I confided certain personal struggles that I was having. Time went on, I worked things out for myself and got on a better track doing work that was important to me. Regardless of the changes that I had made in my life every time I would see this person she would always bring up the negative thing I had shared with her and never ever want to talk about the good things that I has happy and excited about. It was as if she was trying to cancel out the good by reminding me of mistakes I had made and thought she could convince me that I hadn’t changed. I realized it was because she hadn’t changed and my moving on made her feel badly about herself. I don’t talk to her any more because I realized the friendship was completely toxic. I don’t miss her at all.
Heidi says
And what to do when they are your immediate family?
Minnie Pack says
Think back on how many times they have said something tacky and insisted they were “just kidding.”
Once or twice is one thing, but in every conversation?
or said “But you know I love you!” after saying something hurtful. or how many times they have told you you’re too sensitive.
Jerry says
Number 4: They discredit your dreams and abilities is so true. It’s best I don’t talk about my plans with some people.
Shanti says
Marc And Angel… Thank you lots for this post. I so badly needed this advice at this time.
Chris McNall says
I love reading your posts, they are so inspiring.
It is hard to decide to move on from someone holding you back, but once you do it is so freeing. Be willing to move forward in life, because if you aren’t moving forward you are moving backwards.
Deborah says
Great list. This was my marriage. 🙁
Mike Martel says
I would have to echo ” you feel drained after you are with them.” I have a couple people like this in my life and it simply is painful to spend time with them.
Annette says
Marc & Angel: Thank you so much for this one!
It has been a few months since I “broke up” with a couple of close associates who demonstrated these qualities. I kept working on the friendship and feeling guilty. Now I have a greater measure of peace on the issue.
Jackie Countryman: Thank you for your comment. I married a man and expierienced the same as you mentioned….in 1993. I was able to break free of that 17 years later. Congratulations, and best wishes on your book.
Oculus Mundi says
Be especially careful of liars. Liars are dangerous. If someone will lie to their spouse/partner/family about something, why won’t they lie TO you and ABOUT you too? What makes you so special?
People who say or imply “do not judge me” are especially to be watched. Why are they afraid of judgement? It is our right, always to judge people and, if we find them wanting, walk away. You would not deliberately drive into a car wreck, you have a right not to steer your life into the equivalent of one either.
Sanchari says
Absolutely fantastic and bang-on, as always 🙂
Bridget Lee says
So many great comments. And so very fitting for the relationship I’ve been on & off in for the past few years…. The lies about any & everything just kept on coming. I took a 6 month break from the relationship, after explaining what all I knew was wrong with it, in the hopes the dude would straighten his act up. Did he? NO! The only thing he was consistent in was telling lies. I told him that the only thing I could rely on from him, was that he’d never change, the lies would just keep on coming. And as much as I deeply cared for him, without truth, and trust, I wasn’t willing to “FIGHT” for a place in his life. His response was so very negative. He tried to pass all the blame on me. Well, that just didn’t work… I had never lied to him, I had always looked for the best in him, and had hopes for our relationship…until he proved, and kept proving over and again, that it would never work… Yes, I’m heart-broken, I truly cared for the guy. But while being with him endlessly left me feeling so sad, and confused, and angry I knew that, in spite of my feelings of love for him, I was in a NEVER gonna win situation. I cried for a few hours, and then kicked myself (you know where) and have moved on. I gave all, and got nothing back. So now, yes, I have some regrets, but I won’t dwell, i refuse to dwell on the “what might have beens.”
Thank you Marc and Angel, for all your great articles. They’ve helped me and so many others in so many ways… and for the rest of your readers who are struggling with whatever it may be… please remember to put yourself first. Do what you know in both heart and mind that’s right. If you’re not happy with yourself, if you don’t love yourself, you can’t love anyone else.
Posey says
Amandah, thank you for taking the time to connect with me. I love the visual of sending him light and love and picturing him transformed. Yes, his father and I are enablers. Your words are very true.
Kathy, I wish you well with your son. I am going to find a NAMI support group today!!! May you find some peace in your life.
Dee says
Thank you! One of your best posts! I just left a husband who was very bad company. He was all this and even more! Thank you for constantly showing me that I made the right choice! Cheers x
Laurie says
My sister fits all 9 of these reasons – 2 weeks ago, decided to let her go in my life. She has been bad company for my entire life — time to move on and live life. Healthy for me and my family, sad for her and all she has hurt.
Sonia says
I believe when you start getting those negative vibes, its an indication that you’re in bad company and you just need to get out of it quickly.
Nicole @ Adonis Golden Review says
Some really useful thoughts here. I usually work on gut feel and the majority of time it is proven correct!!!
TIBAH SOLANGE says
Wow, great post Marc and Angel. More grease to your elbows and keep it up. May God and Life continue to inspire you with these great words. From this post I’ve learned to love myself first and not get my self involved in a bad company – for it is better to be alone and be happy than being in a bad company. Thanks once again.
jazzmum says
Thank you for this article and inspiration as always 🙂
Marc Chernoff says
@P: Straight from the horse’s mouth. Thank you! =)
@NL: Great point, we’ll definitely take a look into managing these relations.
@Jackie Countryman: Congratulations! I can’t wait to get my hands on a copy.
@Amandah: Thank you for the recommendation, looking forward to the read.
@All: Thank you for the additional warning signs. Let’s make sure we’re not exhibiting any of these signs in our own personal relationships. As many of you have stated, family is a tricky one. We plan on discussing this in more detail in the future – perhaps even in a small eBook or course. As always, thank you for the feedback, thoughts and conversation. =)
Ericson Ay Mires says
It’s so hard when we have friends who are on the edge of what a good friend is and what a bad friend is.
It’s posts like these that can help us really decide whether or not that person is good for our lives.
If they qualify for most of those listed here, probably not…
Hanna says
These advices made me realize once more about how the quantity of friends isn’t important, it’s the quality of friends that is important. Couldn’t agree enough to each & every point here.
Kim says
I have the same question as Heidi, what do you do if it is family? If they are part of the family group, attend all the same functions, have no friends and basically flush the toilet of their lives on the family? What if they cannibalise their own?
Erika says
They’re happiest or most excited when you are in pain. An old friend of mine was amazing up until the point that I actually started manifesting the dreams & goals I’d always talked about with her. Then if I had a rare bad day she would want to talking & talking about it, to the point it was like she was trying to convince me that they were always put to get me. Then she only seemed to make time for me when I was upset? I’ve heard that misery lives company but support should happen in the good times & the bad times. Friends should lift each other up & encourage one another to keep striving for all the goals we talked endless hours about. It was painful trying to figure out a way to cut her out but I plainly told her, I’m not saying get out if my life forever, I’m saying you can’t be in my life “that way”. After that talk, a lot of drama quit following me. I’m still in contact with her but we have a very different relationship.
Kim says
When you are with someone who asks you to do something you are uncomfortable with, yet the person keeps pushing you until you either do it or get angry…that, to me, is a sign you are in bad company. No one who really cares for you will pressure you into doing things you don’t want to do. Granted, this does not include your parents telling you to get a job and move out after college graduation, lol; however others putting pressure on you is not fair or acceptable.
Stephen says
They take every opportunity to puff themselves up at your expense. To exploit your vulnerabilities.
They show ongoing disrespect for your worth and value.
They hold you in contempt for your differences.
They breach your trust and lack loyalty.
They repeatedly demonstrate they do not have your best interest at heart.
Stephen says
They resent your successes or accomplishments.
Evangeline says
Self proclaimed Pharisaical people are the worst! I was recently engaged to a man who claimed to be Godly, wanted me to change my entire life (quit my job which I love, move an hour away, have my daughter change school (when his are home schooled))t o marry him. He ended up judging my past mistakes and wrong choices and making false accusations. I knew him a long time ago and know for a fact he too has sinned greatly but chose to judge me, I cut all ties and thank God he is out of my life.
“Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.”
Devin says
I feel like I am in this situation as of now, because, well, my friend is very busy with 2 jobs and I understand that. However, when we are both free I end up looking into his eyes as he is watching TV, it could be that he has no energy left but I am starting to really wonder what happened to our everyday life when we used to laugh together. Do I just walk away?
Agiwagi says
I’m currently in a relationship with a narcissist. The traits are that he’s very controlling, everything that goes wrong in his life is because of me and he has this need to change me (this has to do with forcing me to wear high heels, remarking on my weight, comparing me to other women). His positive traits? He’s a social genius and makes everyone around him fall in love with him. I have just recently come to realize the dynamic in our relationship and I am on my way out it. Your post has helped me a lot. Looking forward to the time where I can heal and focus on myself again.
Anders Hasselstrøm says
Thank your for a well written blog post dealing with a central and important issue.
I once read: “You are the average of the 5 people you spend most time with”. Think about this for a second and apply it to your own life. It is true!
Before I became aware of this fact, I spend a lot of time with lazy people without ambition to make a difference. I became lazy myself and I mirrored their unhealthy habits: sleeping late, eating unhealthy etc.
At one point, I decided that I wanted to change my situation. I wanted to grow. I moved in with an ambitious fellow student from university and started spending time with people who were hungry for success.
I can feel today what major difference it made in my life and I would advice anyone to take action if you find yourself in bad company.
Daniel says
Wow. Almost that entire list described many of my friends and family members. Makes me kinda sad…
judy says
My issue right now is with friends who are chronically underemployed or unemployed and who are experiencing significant financial difficulties. They have made some life choices and/or been affected by the recession. They are always needy, depressed and complaining, yet they are picky about what jobs they are willing to do and don’t take advice about improving their conditions. Some just have so many issues – overwhelming child support payments, near homelessness, hunger, etc. that I feel overwhelmed just from listening. I have helped them out countless times with money, job connections, advice and comfort and I feel drained. They are all great people under normal circumstances, but they are being sucked into a whirlpool of misery and I don’t want to drown along with them. Help!
John says
Andrew Cargenie Once wrote “Pay any price to stay in the company of great people.” I suggest you look for alternatives to negative relationships through social groups, school, church, etc.. Something that has helped lots of folks called Meetup groups (Meetup.com) and you put in your interests and it will recommend groups from self help, positive growth to sports social events, hobbies and (my favorite) dance. You need not discard your negative friends, they need some moral support and direction but you have to love yourself first.
Lotus says
I have these issues with family, to the point that I close up about issues and downplay successes. They can be good people in many ways but I trigger very negative, even mean, remarks/reactions. I did well in college and had some small recognition for my work but I’ve been careful not to make those a big deal. But when their friends, or even their children, say positive things there is a rebound, a reaction to make me small again. After a lifetime of it, I decided to remove myself from the target zone. Trying to still love through it, but keeping a safer distance.
Charlene says
When they don’t like you, but never tell you. They just keep you so they can use you in the future.
Eleanor says
Great article; and yeah I believe that you don’t have to force someone to make space for you in their life. If they like you and care about you they will do it anyhow.
R says
People who discuss others then imply it was you who entered into the subject. My husbands x family is dominated by his x wife who is a bully. The children copy her ways and intimidate others to get their way. The children are passive by comparison ignoring predominately but they will call when they want to create a scene or bring up the fact that they have a rotten history to manipulate and control events. The under current when they are around stems from a loyalty to the past life that is alive in their imagination rather then the reality of the new. Their time is spent planning how they can manipulate whoever they have entrapped into their vicious circle. I asked them to please stop calling me and my life is the calmest for 20 years! That’s how long my husband and I have survived their torture. Glad to be out and my husband doesn’t miss the turmoil either!
David Curtis says
Wow, I see a lot of posts like this;
“I come back drained rather than energized from being with them.” So should I then not be friends with this kind of person because its inconvenient for me to be drained? It’s a tough decision. Just wondering.
Quinnn says
They dont wanna see u doing better than them whereas they really want to be you.
Lou says
People who belittle or humiliate you in front of others to make themselves look better than you. I used to have a friend like that who was constantly criticizing me and calling me names and laughing at me to get attention, She was a complete spotlight dweller. It was like she was trying to make me her and if i wasn’t doing things the way she did them then i was obviously wrong and in need of correction and ridicule. Getting rid of her was the best thing i did. I went from miserable and demoralized to happy and confident.
Sad Girl says
People who use body language and expressions to put you down and act dismissive of you because they’re too cowardly to have an overt go at you verbally. Also, when they just use body language to insult you (eyerolls, shrugs, sneers), it’s hard to call them on it. If you do confront them, they say: “What did *I* do?” or the fake: “I’m sorry if I upset you.” (which was their intention all along).
Hurting says
This article really makes a lot of sense to me and I hope someday soon to have the courage to end a ‘friendship’ with a guy I have known for 4 years, been close to, have a crush on, but in the past 6 months or so he’s not been treating me well at all. The red flags are there but I’ve been ignoring them (thanks to my heart and emotions!!) due to what i feel towards him. He’s hurt me, and I feel used and discarded. Makes me feel pathetic that I am not strong enough yet to tell him goodbye 🙁 .
Alisa says
I try not to let ” the baiters” change the loving and giving person I want to be. I’ve learned to say no I can’t help or just be a good listener without giving advice. Negativity still enters my mind and is hard to push out. This list will help me stay in the present and be positive. Thank you!
Richard says
I hear you, Lotus. The biggest damage in my life was done by family. I had to cut them off in the name of survival. To be clear, they cut me off emotionally at age 13, over a lie my sister told. It took me decades to give up on fixing the abyss and reciprocate.
Jury still out on which is easier, being the family scapegoat or not having a family.
Regarding other relationships, for sure you know it is over when your partner starts: 1) lying; 2) ends sexual intimacy; 3) is starting to primp their appearance; 4) is moving out. Even if they are saying something different…it is over…they just don’t want you to end it at an inconvenient time.
lala says
My “friends” totally make me feel drained after an encounter with them. They enjoy criticising me about silly things or things that don’t exist. They are sadistic bullies. They try to make me feel like I’m internally flawed so they can feel superior. I left them but I still have to see them in lessons. They try to hang out whenever they see me. I literally worked out my timetable to avoid them. You can tell your friends are wrong for you when you have a good time with non judgemental normal people. You feel a very big difference. Hang out with other people. Then you’ll see what I’m talking about. Good people do exist. Leaving them was one of the most liberating things I have done this year.