You are the person you believe yourself to be.
“This afternoon I found out I had been accepted to the university of my choice with a full track and field scholarship. Despite everything my alcoholic mother and her abusive husband put me through over the years – the hungry, sleepless nights I spent in tears due to their relentless negativity – it didn’t ruin me. With your coaching and guidance, I’ve worked hard to get out of this mess once and for all, and it’s finally paying off.”
That’s the opening paragraph of an email we received last night from Monica, a longtime reader and junior client of ours (she gave me permission to share this with you today). Her email then goes on to say that she has forgiven her mom and stepfather, but also knows being on her own and taking this next step is a priceless gift. “Honestly, for far too long the people in my life had me convinced that I wasn’t good enough,” she says. “And I have no grudges, but I’m so happy I’m able to prove to myself that they were wrong about me all along.”
Monica’s email made me pause, reflect and smile, for obvious reasons.
And although Monica’s circumstances are unique to her, I bet you can relate on some level. I know I can. Sometimes the pressure and dysfunction coming from family, peers, work, and society in general is enough to make us feel completely broken inside. If we do things differently, we’re looked down upon. If we dream big, we’re ridiculed. Or if we don’t have the ‘right’ job, relationship, lifestyle, and so forth, by a certain age or time frame, we’re simply told that we’re not good enough.
Monica’s story truly is a perfect reminder for all of us too, even though she’s only 18, because the self-limiting beliefs that get instilled in our minds often arrive at an early age.
Maybe we got cut from a sports team as a child and thus determined “I’m not athletic enough to be fit and good at sports.” Or we tried to play a musical instrument and were told to practice outside because we weren’t very good.
For whatever reason, we encounter seemingly insignificant moments that drastically alter our mindset for years to come. It happens something like this:
- We hear we’re bad at something, or we have a bad experience with something.
- We avoid trying again for a prolonged period of time, because we want to avoid the potential of more pain and disappointment.
- When we do try again, we try half-heartedly, so we can point to that and say, “See? Just as I predicted… it didn’t work out.”
- We never improve in this area of our lives, because we never commit to doing so.
- It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, and we’re left feeling ‘not good enough’ every day thereafter.
Sound familiar?
Well I’m here to tell you that it’s time to break yourself out of this cycle!
How?
By identifying your self-limiting beliefs and proving to yourself that these beliefs are wrong!
Here are the three most common self-limiting beliefs we see our coaching clients and course members struggle with (see if you can identify with any of them):
1. “Those haters are right about me.”
Don’t let rude people ruin you. No matter how much negativity is thrown at you by others, there is absolutely no need for you to stay put and partake in the decay they choose for their own lives. YOU decide how your soul grows.
Because the truth is, what people say and do to you is much more about them, than you. People’s reactions to you are about their perspectives, wounds and experiences. Whether people think you’re amazing, or believe you’re the worst, again, is more about them. I’m not suggesting we should be narcissists and ignore all feedback. I am saying that so much hurt, disappointment and sadness in our lives comes from our taking things personally. In most cases it’s far more productive and healthy to let go of other people’s good or bad opinion of you, and to operate with your own intuition and wisdom as your guide.
So stay out of other people’s drama and don’t needlessly create your own. Instead, imagine what would happen if you spent this entire day, and every day hereafter, with all your energy directed toward your most positive possibilities. Rather than being annoyed, be amused. Instead of getting angry, get away. Life is too short to argue, fight or be negative in any way. Count your blessings and move on from the drama with your head held high. (Read The Four Agreements
2. “It’s important that all my family and friends approve of my goals.”
Most of us are not raised to actively seek our calling. We may not even know that we have one. As kids, we are seldom told we have a place in life that is uniquely ours alone. Instead, we are encouraged to believe that our life should somehow fulfill the expectations of others – that we should find our happiness exactly as they have found theirs.
Rather than being taught to ask ourselves who we are, we are trained to ask others for permission. We are, in effect, schooled to live other people’s versions of our lives. Every day is designed and developed as told to us by someone else. And then one day when we break free to survey our dreams, seeking to fulfill ourselves, we see that most of our dreams have gone unfulfilled because we believed, and those around us believed, that what we wanted for ourselves was somehow beyond our reach.
It’s time to unlearn these lies and make changes. It takes courage to grow wiser and become who you really are. And today is the first day of the rest of your life.
3. “They can do it, but that doesn’t apply to me.”
Just because someone else can, doesn’t mean you can, right? Because you’re not good enough, or you’ve missed your chance, etc. You look for reasons they can do it but you can’t – maybe he’s an internet entrepreneur or freelance writer because he has no kids. Maybe she’s way fitter than I am, so she can run a marathon. Maybe she doesn’t have all the work and family obligations I have, or has a supportive spouse, or doesn’t have bad knees.
OK, fine, it’s easy to find excuses: but look at all the other people who also have considerable obstacles and have done it anyway. Angel and I have a family, and have dealt with significant loss in our lives, and still managed to succeed on many fronts. And just as we’ve turned things around for ourselves, we know hundreds of other people who’ve done the same. Through a decade of life coaching, we’ve witnessed people reinventing themselves at all ages – 48-year olds starting families, 57-year-olds graduating from college for the first time, 71-year-olds starting successful businesses, and so forth. And stories abound of people with disabilities or illnesses who overcame their obstacles to achieve great things.
Your obstacles can be overcome!
Feeling stuck is a FEELING, not a fact. So never assume that you’re stuck with the way things are. Life changes, and so can you. It’s never too late to live a life that makes you proud. If you don’t learn anything else from this post, learn that. There’s no age limit on changing your course. (Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the “Goals and Success” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
Taking the Next Step
Whatever it is you want to improve in your life, start struggling with it for 30 minutes EVERY SINGLE DAY, and keep an eye out for EVERY tiny victory along your journey, no matter how hard you have to scrape, fight, and claw for it. Then, consistently remind yourself of these victories – keep them at the forefront of your mind, and use them as motivation to take the next step, and the next.
And when you catch yourself thinking “I’m not good enough,” remind yourself that depending on what people around you expected of you as a child, or what you have expected of yourself all your life, you have been subtly molded into who ‘YOU’ are. And a great deal of this molding has been driven directly by external and internal negativity about what is and isn’t possible for you.
But the truth is, what’s possible for you is up to YOU right NOW!
If you’re still not convinced, I want you to think about ONE self-limiting belief you have. It can be about any part of your life you hope to change – your health, your weight, your career, your relationships – anything at all. What’s one thing you’ve essentially decided is a fact about your place on Earth?
And then I want you to immediately shift gears and think about ONE time, one fleeting moment, in which the opposite of that ‘fact’ was true for you. I don’t care how tiny of a victory it was, or even if it was a partial victory. What’s one moment in time you can look back on and say, “Hey, that was totally unlike ‘me’ – but I did it!”?
- Ran a 5K for charity
- Lost weight and kept it off
- Was the life of the party
- Spoke up when you had something to say
- Stood up for yourself
- Felt loved
- Approached a guy/girl, and didn’t fall on your face
- Learned a new skill
- Had a good idea that worked
- etc.
Once you identify the cracks in the wall of a self-limiting belief, you can start attacking it. You can start taking steps forward every day that go against it – tiny victories, more confidence, gradual momentum, bigger victories, even more confidence, and so on.
Until your thoughts and reality change for good.
Your Turn…
I want to revisit the question I asked above: What’s one self-limiting belief that has held you back? Leave a comment below and share your thoughts with the community.
Photo by: Brandon Grasley
J.J. says
Great post, Marc. After reading a few pages in your book earlier today on this same topic, this was exactly what I was meditating on in my journal just now before opening this post. In the past I have struggled desperately with not believing in myself enough. The key I have found is to embrace the fact that you do not need the approval of others to lead the life you want. My biggest mistake was in believing my life should be run like a democracy- where everyone has a say and a voice, where I have to campaign for what matters for me, where I have been outvoted. Well… that is a thing of the past, never again.
Sara says
Most people, myself included, believe(d) “life owes me something,” because of the environment we were raised in as a child. Shaking off the ’stink’ of a crappy childhood isn’t cut and dry or easy. It can takes months or even years of self-reflection and counseling. You must be willing to forgive your parents, grandparents, etc. and have the courage to choose a different path. This may include severing ties with those you call “family.”
Also, there’s no guarantee that because you take action (inspired, or not) you’ll receive (fill in the blank). If you’re chasing a dream that isn’t meant for you, you can waste a lot of time and energy. You have to know when to cut your losses and find something else to do.
Being “stuck in your current life situation” is tricky because if you want to move to another city, state, or country, it takes money. If you don’t have the funds to move then you will be “stuck” in your current life situation. However, you could take steps towards moving by finding a day job which will provide you with a means to an end: money so you can move.
I think it’s important to examine any false belief you have because it may not be yours. You could have picked it up from your parents, grandparents, teachers, friends, siblings, etc. If you discover that a false belief is not yours, drop it like a hot potato and choose another belief that works for you. This is a strategy Marc and Angel guided me to through on a coaching call awhile back and I couldn’t be any happier with my progress. 🙂
Abe Stetson says
Seriously, you guys are hitting closer and closer to home with every post I read. Or maybe I’m moving “home” closer to where I belong in my head and heart. Either way, I’m appreciative.
Sandra Pawula says
I love the synchronicity of this article as right now I’m review some deeply-seated limited beliefs, in particular around dying. I’m happy to take your invitation to turn them around.
Mathias says
Great post! These beliefs have certainly held me back a lot over the years!
I think a great way to get rid of these limiting beliefs is to try to reset everything you believe in. Unlearn your idea of success, and start over from zero, where you can define your own ideas and beliefs.
Rose Costas says
Thanks Marc. That young lady is smart beyond her years. Good luck to her.
Too many of us have similar stories including myself. It is so hard sometimes to get pass the hurt and pain that were inflicted on you as a child by unsuspecting parents. The pain is sometimes so hard to bear that we resort to self destruction and in the process pass it on to the poor children who are the ones to suffer the most.
When I read people’s stories it makes me more appreciative of my life and childhood. My life is far from perfect but these stories make me truly see how much I have to be grateful for.
Shilpa says
Awesome Post…. Thanks a ton for this post! 😀
Laura Tong says
Firstly, love and success thoughts to Monica – great job on looking at life with clarity and arriving at a positive, self-affirming conclusion: you’re great, with a great future ahead! Other people’s problems or negative actions are just that – their problems, their actions – we’re really unfortunate to get tangled up with them but with self-belief, inner strength and Marc and Angel batting for you – you’re going untangle yourself and find your own fabulous niche. The self-limiting belief that kept me back until my thirties was that I didn’t have much to offer, no one was going to be interested. Thankfully, I discovered in time that everyone has a lot of offer… to the people who want it. Thank you for such an inspiring post Marc.
Yatin Khulbe says
Marc and Angel, you are doing a lovely work. The story of 18 year girl is very inspiring. I can just only visualize the happiness on your face after seeing the positive change you’ve made. When the work is shaping the future journey of other people, you can’t ask for anything else. 🙂
For the last ten years, you are making people realize their true dreams. The story of 71-year-old doing successful business, graduation at 58 years, etc… Hats off to you. I am glad I came across your work.
I always wanted to convey my positive ideas with others. But, there was always one question which loomed in my mind. Will people like the content? Now, I write what I feel. And, I am sure that at least some people will definitely like my ideas.
Thanks again for this wonderful post…Lots of love
M S Rao says
I am hugely impressed with the touching story and thoughts. I feel honored to have an opportunity of reading such wisdom on your site.
M S Rao. India.
Sherman Smith says
Hey Marc and Angel,
Great post here. I’ve had quite a few self limiting beliefs. 2 of them were about making videos for my blog and blogging itself. And I tell you that I didn’t have a lot of encouragement among my peers.
How did I get myself to go ahead to start blogging and making videos? I just turned my focus on what I really wanted to do instead of trying to meet the approval of my peers. I wanted good constructive criticism that’ll push me forward instead of what I call “lazy” criticism which is criticizing someone without doing any research to give any type of valid reasoning.
So with that said, I took the bull by the horn and ran with it. As a result my stats have been improving a lot.
Thanks for the share and I hope you two have a great rest of the week!
Chas says
As far as the entrepreneurial spirit goes… How many of us are brought up to have it instilled into us? Little girls were/are brought up listening to, “One day my Prince will Come.” Little boys hear, “Hey, Get a Good Job, Dental Plan, Pension, etc.” Those days are slowly disappearing… In this day and age and as /will be the future .. Self development and self employment will be the road to travel…The road less traveled.
Michael Gregory II says
Great Post!
From all the beliefs, one that I struggle with is determining if my friends or family will accept my goals. Where they often encourage me to walk the path of either a businessman or in medical, I enjoy spending my time writing and using my imaginations. I enjoy drawing comics and using my artistic abilities.
It’s sometimes tempting to follow their desires because that lifestyle does seem simple. But it’s not the type of lifestyle I prefer or will feel comfortable with.
Shella says
First of all, Thank you Monica for sharing your story – so uplifting and encouraging to other young adults coming from less-than-ideal family situations. My self-limiting belief that was with me up until about my late -30’s was that I wasn’t good enough because I never had the love or approval from my parents that I so desperately craved throughout childhood and well into adulthood. I never got it – but the difference is I no longer allow my idea of self to be defined/limited by this. I am so happy that Monica figured it out young! May she soar!
david says
I agree with this great post! Never let anyone bring you down.
MFK says
Struggling with life but it was a helpful read that has encouraged me to seek the cracks in my self imposed obstacles to a happy life.
Captain Kirk says
Marc…
Monica’s experience serves as an inspiration to all of us, as we recover from childhood wounds, and pursue our path of self-discovery.
One painful lesson that I learned in childhood is that our wounds can affect our personal growth and development, which can reach the core of our identity.
In fact, these wounds can be toxic and painfully damaging, resulting in feelings of despair, discouragement, low self-esteem, insecurity, intimidation, desperation, no self-worth, and chronic loneliness (and the list goes on)…….
However, if we have the courage, fire, and desire like Monica, we can recover and HEAL from this toxic shame, and find our PLACE and VOICE in this universe.
Recently, I found two profound declarations that summarizes our life journey of self-discovery and personal identity.
“Blame your PARENTS – for the way you are.
Blame YOURSELF – if you stay that way!”
“In youth – we learn. In age – we UNDERSTAND”.
Find your VOICE. and find your PLACE on this stage we call earth…and have the courage (at the risk of embarrassment) to enjoy your performance.
Instead of “cracking the shell”….SHATTER the shell! Feel the healing and growing power…..and DON’T LOOK BACK!!!
Zeeshan says
I struggled with my self-belief that ” I am not Cool enough , amazing and cute enough to be liked by any girl ” and struggled with it for almost 3 years but now I am gradually ending my this self-belief . It all started with my one close family member insulting me over my looks when I was 15 and telling my mother “I will never let my daughter even look at him ” . This made me to struggle with my self-esteem and self-belief for almost 3 years.
But now , I believe I am the best and better than several others who are in worst situation than me . Now if I see someone , insulting someone on his looks or face or color of skin , I try my level hard to support the guy or girl because I have felt this suffering and know how hard it is to get your self-confidence back when its shrunk to bottom . Thanks for this fabulous post . 🙂 . Made my day !
Michael says
I feel like my relationships suffers a lot and is an area of my life where I have not put the effort it needs to be as good and as real as I desire. I cheated on my parner a few times, had an affair and then kept it hidden for a year, thinking that if I forget about it and lie to myself for it it will make us both happy, but this hiding kept me from being open to him and being myself and he could tell something was going wrong. I then had the balls to tell him everything, and realized that this may have been the end of us. But he showed me that no matter how hard it was for him and that he could not forgive me, he still wanted to give me a chance. What hurts me most is the fact that I know I can be good and I can make him happy, but why don’t I bother with it? I have all the knowledge and tools to make this precious guy happy and I just let opportunities pass me by.
Muhammad says
You guys are soooooo cool, and awesome, and lovely, and so human. Jeez, I can’t believe I am so in love with two people I have never met in my life. I started reading your blog a few months ago and I can’t believe how big a part of my life it has become.
I wish I had friends like you guys, someone who would completely understand my fears, my insecurities, my stupid habits, my quirks. Someone who wouldn’t judge me for slipping up, or not living up to the standards I have set myself. It sounds so cliched, but I feel like your blogs talk to me, willing me to challenge my own beliefs and ideas, and make me feel so much better about myself.
I would like to be able to thank you in person someday. You make my day, everyday!
Lennae says
Great post! All of your posts always seem to hit home for me! Love your work! 🙂
Lennae xxx
lennaesworld.com
Jane says
It’s been 8 months since I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. These were direct results of consistent child abuse throughout the 18 years of my life.
Many times I think that I cannot do something because of my mental illnesses. I panic, I cry a lot, I get extremely frustrated and go into hellish places in my mind.
However, I’ve done some amazing things despite my obstacles. I am good at performing on the stage despite my clinical anxiety. I am extremely driven towards my goals, and I am good at meeting new people.
The fact that some very successful people had the same illnesses as me gives me the courage to keep going. Abraham Lincoln, Marilyn Monroe, Britney Spears, Angelina Jolie…
I will keep going.
Marc Chernoff says
Thanks for all the positive feedback and insightful remarks, everyone. And for those who emailed me and asked for more principles on following through with dreams and goals, I recommend you read this: 12 Quiet Rituals of Enormously Successful Humans, and also check out our course if you’re looking for one-on-one assistance.
Alison Bowling says
🙁 I think I knew when I clicked on this that I had to read it even though I wasn’t going to like the abject honesty. I didn’t, I don’t and you’re right, but then you always are. You both have such amazing insight, and I need to get to the bottom of why I’m perpetrating my own self fulfilling prophecy every single day. I wouldn’t say it is inhibiting my personal success, but it is definitely limiting my ability to be truly and completely happy without any reservation… like I used to be. Your timing with this article was amazing, and uncanny as is also usual.
Cliff says
“Because the truth is, what people say and do to you is much more about them, than you.”
I’ve been working on a theory of “haters” for a while, and I think that statement sums up a big part of it.
Another one that I always refer back to is from baseball legend Reggie Jackson:
“They don’t Boo nobodies”.
When you are faced with negativity, it is because you are worthwhile, not the opposite. It is only with notoriety, achievement, aspiration, that you can be ‘hated on’. So it’s really a sign of achievement.
I try to use that approach when thinking about these things, and eventually you will learn to love the criticism and the negativity, because it is more and more signs that you are on the right path to success…
Just my two cents 🙂
-Cliff
Edwina Too says
You have inspired me a great deal. Learning to believe and having confidence to face the reality of my true self is the best gift you have gifted me with.
Ilona says
Dear Marc and Angel,
I am enormously grateful for this post. Lately has been a time of my life when a lot of things in most areas of my life began to change at the same time. Important and dear people that were by my side, began to disappear from my life, some of them passed away… I have decided to turn my career in a new dimension to dedicate myself to things I always wanted to do and it requires new skills and time… My relationship didn’t work out in the end…. And so on. and when I think of these fronts, my biggest fear is the fear of failure. When there’s a lot of things at risk on the way to your dream, how do you manage to keep faith and enthusiasm together, keep dear people around and stay strong no matter what? Thank you
Vernessa Perry says
Thank you for this very helpful post.
Nate says
Never let anyone get to you and never let yourself down.
This is something I have learnt to do in recent months when I went self employed. Rely on yourself and try not to let what others say or do get the best of you.