“Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.”
— Ann Landers
You are changing. The universe around you is changing. Just because something was right for you in the past doesn’t mean it still is. This could be a relationship, a job, a home, a habit, etc.
It happens to you slowly as you grow. You discover more about who you are and what you want out of life, and then you realize there are deliberate changes you need to make to keep up with the changes happening around you and within you.
The lifestyle you’ve been living no longer fits. The specific people and routines you’ve known forever no longer align with your values. So you cherish all the memories, but find yourself letting go and moving on.
If you’re currently dealing with this process you may feel a bit awkward, and that’s OK. This feeling is normal. I’ve been right there with you on more occasions than I can count.
Reasons to Let Go and Move On
- Someone’s negativity is rubbing off on you. – You are the average of the people you spend the most time with. In other words, who you spend your time with has a great impact on the person you are and the person you become. If you are around cynical and negative people all the time, you will become cynical and negative.
- You have grown apart from someone. – Sad but true, no matter what you do or how much you explain yourself, some people will gradually evolve away from your core values. As time goes on they will prove over and over again that they are committed to misunderstanding you and clashing with your needs.
- You are truly unhappy with your current circumstances. – It’s always better to be struggling at something you love than succeeding diligently at something you despise. (Read Quitter.)
- Your goals and needs have changed. – What was right for you then is not necessarily right for you now. Sometimes the hardest part isn’t letting go but rather realizing that you have changed, and then learning to start over with your new truth.
- Fear is holding you back. – Part of letting go and moving on is facing the fears and disappointments of the past that are binding your spirit.
- You catch yourself living in the past. – If all you do is attempt to relive something that has already happened, you’re missing out. The mental space you create by letting go of things that are already behind you gives you the ability to fill the space with something fresh and fun.
- An old grudge is still hurting you. – Holding on to the weight of anger, resentment and hatred will not only hold you back, but also block your present blessings and opportunities. You’ve just got to drop some things to move forward.
- You aren’t learning anything new. – Living is learning. All positive change is the end result of learning. If you aren’t learning, you’re simply dying slowly.
One Small Example of Letting Go
We had been friends since grade school when I finally told one of my childhood friends, “Enough is enough!” Although we had basically grown up together, we were now on different planets when it came to our goals and dreams. He believed there was one right way to do things – go to college, get a degree, get a job, and dedicate every waking moment of your life to it. I had other plans.
Although I did get my degree and a job after college, in our free time Angel and I started writing articles on the blog you’re reading now. As the blog’s reach grew, my friend discredited our success. Whenever I shared one of our small success stories, he would say something negative like, “Whatever. It’s just a blog. I have one too.”
When Angel quit her job to work on the blog full-time, my friend basically told me we’d fail. “That’s ridiculous! Angel had a good job,” he said. “You’re just playing with fire in this economy if you ask me.” To which I replied, “I’m not asking you.”
That was the beginning of the end of our story as friends. Years later, our relationship is now a mere shadow of what it was and my life is honestly far brighter for it. Letting my friend go wasn’t easy, but it was necessary for my own well-being and growth.
Ways to Let Go and Move On
Holding on is like believing that there’s only a past; letting go and moving on is knowing in your heart that there’s a bright future ahead. Let’s take a look at eight ways to design the latter.
- Accept the truth and be thankful. – To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and helped you learn and grow. It’s the acceptance of everything you have, everything you once had, and the possibilities that lie ahead. It’s all about finding the strength to embrace life’s changes, to trust your intuition, to learn as you go, to realize that every experience has value, and to continue taking positive steps forward. (This process is something Angel and I discuss in the Adversity chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
- Distance yourself for a while. – Sometimes you need to take several steps back in order to gain clarity on a situation. The best way to do this is to simply take a break and explore something else for a while. Why? So you can return to where you started and see things with a new set of eyes. And the people there may see you differently too. Returning where you started is entirely different than never leaving.
- Focus only on what can be changed. – Realize that not everything in life is meant to be modified or perfectly understood. Live, let go, learn what you can and don’t waste energy worrying about the things you can’t change. Focus exclusively on what you can change, and if you can’t change something you don’t like, change the way you think about it. Review your options and then re-frame what you don’t like into a starting point for achieving something better.
- Claim ownership and control of your life. – No one else is responsible for you. You are in full control of your life so long as you claim it and own it. Through the grapevine, you may have learned that you should blame your parents, your teachers, your mentors, the education system, the government, etc., but never to blame yourself. Right? It’s never, ever your fault… WRONG! Your life is your responsibility! If you want to change, if you want to let go and move on with your life, you’re the only person who can make it happen.
- Focus inward. – It’s important to make a difference in the world. Yes, it’s important to help people, but you have to start with yourself. If you’re looking outside yourself to find where you fit in or how you can create an impact, stop and look inside yourself instead. Review who you already are, the lifestyle you’re currently living, and what makes you feel alive. Then nurture these things and make positive adjustments until your current life can no longer contain them, forcing you to grow and move beyond your current circumstances.
- Change the people around you. – Some people come into your life just to strengthen you, so you can move on without them. They are supposed to be part of your memory, not your destiny. The bottom line is that when you have to start compromising your happiness and your potential for the people around you, it’s time to change the people around you. It’s time to join local meet-ups, attend conferences, network online, and find a more supportive tribe.
- Take a chance. – When life sets you up with a challenge, there’s a reason for it; it’s meant to test your courage and willingness to make a change and take a chance on something new. There’s no point in denying that things are different now, or being fearful of the next step. The challenge will not wait even if you hesitate. Life only moves in one direction – forward. This challenge is your chance to let go of the old and make way for the new. Your destiny awaits your decision. (Read The Untethered Soul.)
- Focus on today. – You can decide right now that negative experiences from your past will not predict your future. Figure out what the next positive step is, no matter how small or difficult, and take it. Ultimately, the only thing you can ever really do is to keep moving forward. Take that leap without hesitation, without looking back. Simply forget the past, look straight ahead and forge toward the future.
The floor is yours…
What are you holding on to that’s holding you back? What’s the first step you need to take to let it go? Share your thoughts with us by leaving a comment below.
Photo by: Hartwig HKD
Marc says
@Deborah: Great input and very much appreciated. Every relationship is unique and should be addressed accordingly. I love the story about your mom; I have a similar one regarding my grandmother and her friend. Makes me smile. =)
@Anita M.L.: Thank you!
@B: And for your continued love and support… thank you!
@Chandi: Great advice, and priceless feedback. By no means do we think letting go is easily done. You said it – it takes a great deal of strength and courage.
@Amandah: “I am sure there are many people who are fearful of letting go and moving on. But once you do it, you’ll feel liberated.” I love this positive reinforcement.
@Jackie: It sounds like you did the right thing. =)
@Margie: Congratulations! Cheers to a happier, healthier life.
@Heather: You are stronger than you think. You don’t have to forget your memories but you have to be open to creating new ones. =)
@Sham: Wise insight. Some people are set in their ways and in some situations are unable to let go. Understanding where they’re coming from, knowing what to ignore, and partaking in activities that make you both happy are great ways to ease the situation.
@Jing: Thank you so much. One thought provoking quote that really resonated with me when making a major decision was: “When you have two good options, always go with the one that scares you the most, because that’s the one that’s going to help you grow.” =)
@Annie: I love the inspiring spin.
@Suzie: Exactly what we meant. =)
@Shelly: Look at your making PROGRESS. One foot in front of the other – congratulations!
@David Rapp: Beautifully said. Thank you for the value added additions, as always.
@KDT: You are a very strong woman and can do anything you put your mind to. Put yourself first! Make yourself happy, and radiate your happiness outward.
@Kevin Halls: Feel free to e-mail us directly at (angel at http://www.marcandangel.com) for any specific questions.
@pj: What you talk about is what most people have the hardest time coming to grips with. We are the only ones who can ‘save’ ourselves. It’s a choice. Thank you for the reinforcement.
@Carrie: For the sake of your own sanity it sounds like a change is needed.
@Shirl: You are an inspiration! =)
@All: It’s certainly no surprise that letting go is not easy, but in situations where it is necessary it is the only path that makes us stronger and happier in the long run. If you need support and encouragement I encourage you to read all the comments above. Honestly, in a world where we sometimes feel alone, these comments are a great reminder that when we are united we can get through almost anything. =) We are all in this together.
Thank you all for continuing to share your personal stories and insights with us and each other. We read every one of them, sometimes twice, and they inspire us.
Bene says
This is such a good read! I am in a 10 year relationship that I am no longer happy with. Over the years things have changed and priorities have kept us apart. Although we spend almost everyday together I feel that her heart is no longer with me. This post has helped me realize a lot of things… Thank you so much
Mrs. Bell says
Thank you once again Marc and Angel. After toiling over this second half of my life (I’m 46), I’ve decided to let go of my house, pack up and relocate from my Midwestern roots. Letting go and moving on from a dead end job, my adult children, toxic friendships and a toxic unromantic relationship. WOW I feel so liberated just writing this.
To KDT, I’ve been in a similar situation for about two years and I had to be a big girl and walk away. My advice to you is to PLEASE let it go. As Marc and Angel would say, “Let go of something that was never really there.” They also say, It was just an illusion that was never really there.” God Bless you sweetie.
Andrea says
I have recently decided to end a relationship that for almost 50 years has been a hurtful and painful one. It was a very difficult decision and took years to make. I think that no matter who is in your life, it has to be mostly positive. Relationships need to help a person be happy.
TIBAH SOLANGE says
Great post! May God continue to bless you.
ibukun says
You have been a true inspiration, and its a good thing you let go of your cynical friend earlier in life. Thanks a bunch for being a blessing.
sincerely,
ibukun
Sara says
Great post. I can relate best to #3. I need to keep reminding myself that not all things can be changed and not worry so much about those. I need to focus more on the ones that can change.
Allison says
I always find wonderful words of wisdom here on your blog. Today this line of yours really hit me: “Holding on is like believing that there’s only a past; letting go and moving on is knowing in your heart that there’s a bright future ahead.”
I don’t want to act like there is only a past any longer! Thank you for always inspiring me!
Shelly Miller says
I love the way you and Angel always seem to know exactly what I need to hear. I appreciate your personal stories and insights for a better life.
Recently I used, accept the truth and be thankful. A business relationship I had for 14 years ended abruptly, I felt betrayed, it really hurt. When I finally accepted it for what it was, I was able to be thankful for the experience and move on. I actually felt lighter and physically healthier when I did this.
Jas says
It’s been 4 months since my 7 year relationship has been broken. I could not understand and I was devastated. I was caught off guard. Two months later, he has someone new. Last week, I just got promoted and I’m not completely happy. My hardwork reminded me the reason for the break up, i suppose. I guess sometimes we lose some people when we reach our goals. I may not understand why he left me but I guess this is God’s plan. This write up also helped me realized that despite of my new position, Iim not learning anything new. I guess, I might also need to let go and move on. Thanks for sharing.
ae. says
This resonated so much. That realisation of having outgrown old friendships, loves, thought patterns and emotional patterns is a painful one. Sometimes it feels like staying with the old is safer vs. encountering that emptiness before building up new life again. and it is too easy to fall into a toxic mindset.
Thank you for speaking up in a positive way.
Phil says
“Let go or be dragged.”
Marlene says
So many of us are stuck in the past and can’t move on because we are so hurt and have suffered such loss. We need to be validated and when that doesn’t happen we hold on to the hurt with anger and not being able to forgive.
What we can’t see is that while we are focused on the past the days are going buy faster and faster till one day you wake up and you’re a much older person still stuck in the past.
I lost twenty-five good years and so many opportunities along the way. Years & opportunities that I can’t get back. I went from forty to sixty-five and its all a blur because I was stuck in the past.
What I learned is that my future is in front of me, not behind me and all that matters is right NOW.
AG says
I really needed this right now. I’ve had to distance myself from someone I love because he wasn’t understanding what I needed. I’m giving him the time to grow for himself and trying to trust that this is for the better, no matter what happens. I feel like being there for him through the bad wasn’t enough to get him to see something greater. Even though he might realize it, things have not consistently changed. And I was repeatedly hurting myself by not wanting to give up. And maybe in a way that was enabling him to be comfortable with me always there and taking me for granted. I hope this will be a new beginning for both of us and only time will tell us what is meant to be.
fredrick abina says
I was so encouraged by what you posted. I lost my job a little over four years have and have two little boys – five and seven. The humiliation I had to go thru is something I cant describe in words. When I started reading your posts I can simply say that I have changed.
Sherif says
Nice post, really good tips to move on from an heart-rendering semester. Thanks
Ab says
I was just dumped after a long long relationship. I stood by her through everything. She struggled with addiction and a lifetime of abuse but when I needed understanding and support she floated out of my life again. Always in and out of my life. I am looking for the strength this time to keep her out for good.
Abigale says
I had recently ended my relationship with my boyfriend for almost 5 years.. its really tough for me to accept it and I know that there’s still more tears to come especially when you get to remember the happy times. But i really hope I can just move on from this… so for a start, thanks for this.
Laura says
Thank you so much for sharing this today. I needed a good reminder of why I let certain people fall by the wayside of my life. Now I feel certain I did the right thing!
Maggie says
Thank you for believing in yourself and continuing to spread positivity and inspirations to the world. You are helping a lot of people including me. Your words brighten my days and changing me bit by bit into a positive person. I always re-post your posts on my Facebook timeline and hoping it would inspire and bring positivity into my friends’ life. Keep up with the good.
Kristene Ruddle says
Thank you for this post. A friend shared it on Facebook and it is just what I need at this time in my life. I am stepping back from my interactions with my grown sons, both have addictions and do not need help to change. I realize that my focus is on looking back and it is too painful. I need and want to change my involvement with them. Fear of never having relationships with them has held me back from changing. It is extremely painful, but I am doing it one day, one step at a time.
Micheline Worl says
This is in no way “just a blog.”
You guys have something special here. Very, very , inspiring. Thank you for all of your dedication and hard work.
Linda says
To my surprise, one week after being taken out for Chinese food on Valentine’s Day, being given a beautiful dozen red roses, chocolates and a touch card, I was told by my best friend that he needed a break. Hurt, I countered with “Fine! Your competition is half your age and twice as pretty,” since he is 61 and I’m 45. I regret lashing out and I regret even more ignoring the signals that in the end, he just wasn’t into me. If a guy calls you once a week for a five minute conversation, he isn’t into you. If he doesn’t seek out your company but merely accepts your invites occasionally to get together, he isn’t into you. If there is no intimacy, be it through conversation, sharing thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams and if there is no physical intimacy, touching, hugging, kissing, then there is nothing left. How two people who used to have fun together, a few years of good fishing on the waters of Lake of the Woods, walks in the dead of winter and the blazing heat of summer can grow unknown to each other is easy to understand. The effort and desire to keep the friendship alive has died with him and I am left with beautiful memories and the hope to one day learn how to let go of my dear friend and move on.
Susa says
Just what I need right now, with an old friendship breaking apart…I´m willing to let go, and work on it every day, but it´s not easy, having known this female friend for over 30 years.
I noticed changes throughout the years – mostly not letting me in, when something important happened to her. The distance grew, contact became more and more rare, but I kept hanging on, because I always liked the thought of having a close friend from childhood days.
A silly incident in February led to an argument, and we haven´t had contact since. I believe it is over now, she did not answer my last e-mails. I´m slowly coming to the point where I can say “That´s fine, I can let go”. New people will be in my life eventually, and I can cherish those friends who are still around even more – thank you for reminding me of that!
Toni says
Thank you for this beautiful read – its truly inspiring! Your article contains words of encouragement which I need in this difficult time of my life.
Jean says
I’m fifty six, needing to get out on my own. I’ve been in an eighteen years relationship. I’ve never been on my own, except short periods. I enjoy traveling. Thinking about taking my two small dogs, selling this place and traveling. Sounds like fun. I am so frightened. I don’t have many friends. I am disabled, with back and sciatic nerve damage in left leg.
Anyone have any suggestions or ideas they can share, that might help me to go?
Valerie says
Thank you.
henry says
Have had anxiety and depression for 30 years. Never left home and frequently unemployed because of medication.vParents getting old.vFreaked out and about getting job and own place after 6 years UE. Tried CBT handbook with little success – meditation etc. Any comments, anyone?
A says
My old boyfriend and I were meant to be together. We struggled against my overpowering mother for 7 years until he could no longer take her pressure and hate. My mom created a Romeo & Juliet situation with us by forbidding our union for so many years, so long ago. I am now happily married with 5 kids to a wonderful man, but I am stuck in my past, mad at myself for allowing her to take away my love, my life.
How do I forgive myself for being so indecisive for so long and hurting and losing my soulmate, and changing the course of his life too?
Mrs H says
Funny how I can across this today; I’ve been dealing w/ this topic for about a year now. Life changes are sometimes the best, but they can also bring unexpected changes that don’t feel so good. Makes me depressed.
KittyLee says
I’ve been going through the motions of being the other woman to a man who was in love with me and I with him. We had a previous relationship as well. I had to find it within myself to give myself the love and respect I deserve. So I have to let him go. Wasn’t too sure as to how to do so. Felt like my world was ending, and the pain unbearable. This post really helped me, and helped my realize that I am on my way towards letting go and moving forward. I feel a bit of relief knowing I’m not the only going through this. Letting go is a part of life. You live and you learn.
Sarah says
Thank you for this very inspiring blog!
I’m 23 years old & have been struggling with partying and drinking & drugs since I was 17. For 6 years that’s all I knew how to do. I quit college, moved from here to there, tried many drugs, & slept with all types of men. I was basically carefree and lost. Void. This week I took the time to be still. Block out the world & renewed my mind. I prayed & meditated for hours a day… I was astonished at what God showed me about my life.. my past.. and what my future could look like if I just change. I was scared & hopeful. Stuck. Knowing that his way was the right way, but all I knew was the wrong way!! Reading your blog gave me a lot of positive & encouraging words. Thank you so much. I’m continuing with my new path && excited about the future. – Sarah
Mara says
This was something that I needed to read. I’ve been involved in an on-but mostly off relationship with a man who is a single father and has a demanding job for almost 3 years. All I ask of him was for him & I to spend time together (i.e. movies, dinners, short trips, etc.) and he comes up with every excuse in the book NOT to (i.e. kids prior sport commitments, job-related issues, unable to go because of something one of his children has to do, etc.) and after reading this, it just hit me hard that he is never going to change and since he is a single father, his commitment plate is very full.
Too full for me right now.
Its time for me to let go and be with someone who genuinely wants to spend time with me and make me apart of their lives.
Thank you Marc & Angel for truly shining a light to a very dark situation.
From your newest fan indeed!
Keep posting! I love reading these!
URIEL says
Thanks. This inspiring post was of great help to me.
Florence says
Thank you very much for the post and inspiring words. I came across this as I was just trying to search for some inner light.
I quit from my previous job in a great company because my job scope was not in the area of my interest and competence, and my boss was suppressing my growth opportunities and made things really difficult for me. I had a tough time as I am truly unhappy everyday. I stuck on to that job for the sake of the brand name and for the good of my resume.
Now, I got a new job, though in a small company but I am appreciative and grateful. However, at times, I tend to think about some good parts of my past experience. I tried sharing my thoughts with my husband but he thinks I am being negative and unappreciative (which in my intention, only sharing and communicating of thoughts). Finally, we always ended up in quarrels. He thinks I am low confident and low self esteem and started comparing me with other girls, wanting me to be more like them.
Now, with misunderstanding and communication breakdowns, no matter how I tried to explain. That does not work. I am feeling as though I am no more the confident person he used to be attracted to. Quite hurting to be compared with and told to be more like others..when my only intention is to share a thought. I just hope to return the impression he once loved about me..
bILL says
I have had much trouble trying to let go of someone i love who has moved on and met someone new that she is now in love with. It hurts like heck and i keep holding on to anger, resentment and attraction toward her. I know I need to let go so i can enjoy today and have hope for the future.
This has really helped.
Christina says
wow… great article … thank you for waking me up !
Growth Beyond Years says
This article is absolutely wonderful. I have been with my husband for a little over 5 years now and I can see that we have grown apart. We have a three year old and I am trying to work on the marriage primarily for the sake of our daughter. The interesting thing is…I am not in love with my husband and I was never in love with him. Now I feel stuck in a marriage that I don’t want. I am trying to please my family and ensure my daughter has a stable and happy home, but we are truly living separate lives. We are actually co-parenting while living under the same roof. I would really love to move on with my life, but on the same side I am willing to sacrifice for my child. It is really a sad situation and I truly blame myself for not listening to God.
Such is life…
Fa says
Growth beyond years, such a sad blog especially as you are hanging on for your child.
I am with the love of my life of 13 years and married for 5. Met just after school and truly believed marriage was for life. We have a 4 years girl and were very happy. Unfortunately it seems since our child, my wife has lost those feelings for me am has asked for a divorce. She is not interested in staying for the child but needs to continue on her journey. There was no reason and she said she just needs a change.
As much as I’m hurt and gutted by all this, I know i have to focus 100% on my little one.
Great article.
Patsy says
Great article. It’s exactly what I needed.
Catherine says
I recently went for a job interview and knew from the second I walked through the door that it wasn’t right for me.
My gut feeling was proved correct when the interviewer said to me . . .
“I see from your CV that you have a strong interest in personal development and learning new skills. When do you think you will be finished with doing that?”
WTF? Honestly, I almost fell off the chair! I’ll stop learning and growing when I’m dead.
Ana says
Thank you for this. This is now bookmarked in my browser.
I’ve been down for a week now because I found out my boyfriend cheated on me AGAIN, for the 5th time. I know I’ve given him all the chances in the world when he cheated on me for four times in the past 6 years and I tried my very best to forget what he did. But again, he never learned his lesson. Obviously I couldn’t afford losing him, but I think I am losing my self in the process instead. What should I do? He promised that he would not do it again but I think it is part of what he is already. 🙁 I want to move on, leave him and teach him a lesson but I am having a hard time as I’m really used to having him around.
I’ll read this article over and over again until I find the answer to my questions.
Thanks again.
Amr says
Ana,
The first thing is to really decide -seriously- to move on. Beleive me, once he find you seriously moving on, he will change -if he there is 0.1% hope- or he will give up as well and move on in his cheating life with someone else, but from time to time he will try to explore the possibility of moving back with you -fixation effect-, at that time you have to be strong enough to repulse him. I beleive you deserve better respected treatment, and you should tell your self always – I deserve it- .. my best regards
Laura says
Thank you so much for this article! It’s what I exactly need for my current situation.
Jenny says
Thank you for this wonderful post. I came across this blog for a reason. It’s a perfect timing. I believe that everything happens for a reason, people come into our lives to teach us something. I am currently in the process of letting go. It is hard because part of me is still trying to hold on. But I know I’ll get there.
Felicia says
Thank you for sharing your wisdom. Reading your words always hits me in the heart, like they were written just for me. Thank you!
RJ says
This is a great post, wish I had stumbled upon this during my trying times.
Something I would like to share: Remember that any good or bad experience you have gone through will make you the stronger person you are at present.”
Turn yourself into a survivor instead of a victim. I’ve gone through a very traumatic experience since I was 14 years old, and I used to feel bad and treat myself as a victim. Not until I met my current therapist (not ashamed, we all need one…trust me they help), who has given me the solid advice of treating one’s self as a survivor.
It helps a lot to remind yourself “I am a survivor. That was back then, and I survived it. I am stringer now. I am smarter now. And I will heal.”
Love yourself, and put yourself first, everything else will follow.
RJ says
ANA,
You wrote that he has cheated on you 5 times. What you are going through is hard, and I understand that it’s even harder to let go…
BUT YOU HAVE TO PUT VALUE IN YOURSELF! Realize that this man you are with will promise and beg and convince you as hard as he can to get back to you. You might not see it, but he is abusing you emotionally and psychiatrically. If his cheating has happened once, and after being caught he still did it again, why put yourself in more heart ache and psychological trauma?
You’re enabling him power over a strong woman.
Levi says
Sometimes broken things need to be fixed not discarded.
My parents are still together after more than 50 years. They could have given up on each other many times over. They are in love and care for each other deeply.
Sometimes sticking through the hard times, fixing the problem and taking ownership of your own flaws is the right path to take.
Elle says
When do you fix something, and when do you throw something away? Life is sometimes so confusing.
I thought I had it clear in my gut what’s working and what isn’t, but now it’s not so clear anymore. As much as I appreciate the wisdom in these blog posts I’m still a lost sheep as of now. );