When I was younger I often felt inadequate and “not good enough” to be friends, lovers, or business partners with certain people. Sometimes I simply couldn’t understand what others saw in me. I was very insecure.
I ended many promising relationships because of my insecurity. In my mind, it felt easier for me to end it before they did. Walking away rather than risking the heartbreak of rejection was how I justified my behavior to myself. But after awhile, as I grew emotionally, I began to realize that I wanted and needed the comfort and support of long-term relationships.
So what did I do, and what can you do if insecurity is damaging your relationships?
You need to understand that a good relationship is about sharing ideas and enjoyable moments with another, to help each other grow in healthy ways, both together socially and as individuals. If someone really does treat you poorly or lies and cheats you out of something, feeling insecure is a natural and reasonable response. However, if you’re actually in a generally good relationship with someone, then it’s time to…
1. Stop trying to read minds.
Most relationship problems and associated social anxieties start with bad communication, which in turn leads to attempted mind reading. Mind reading occurs when two people assume that they know what the other is thinking when they don’t. This process of wondering and trying to guess what someone is thinking is a rapid route to feelings of insecurity and stress.
If someone says one thing, don’t assume they mean something else. If they say nothing at all, don’t assume their silence has some hidden, negative connotation. Likewise, don’t make the people in your life try to read your mind. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Give the people in your life the information they need, rather than expecting them to know the unknowable.
It’s also important to remember that you aren’t suppose to know every little thing going on in the minds of others, even the people closest to you. When you stop trying to read their minds, you really begin to respect their right to privacy. Everyone deserves the right to think private thoughts. Constantly asking, “What are you thinking?” can provoke a person to withdraw from a relationship to find space. (Read Getting the Love You Want.)
2. Stop looking for perfect relationships.
You will end up spending your entire life hopelessly seeking the right lover and the right friends if you expect them to be perfect. Even worse, the process of doing so will drive you mad, as you feel more and more insecure with every failed relationship that doesn’t live up to your fantasy of perfection.
We’re all seeking those special relationships that feel perfect for us, but if you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin to realize that there are no “perfect people” for you, just different flavors of imperfect ones. That’s because we are all imperfect in some way. You yourself are imperfect in many ways, and you seek out relationships with people who are imperfect in complementary ways.
It takes a lot of life experience to grow fully into yourself and realize your own imperfections; and it isn’t until you finally run up against your deepest imperfections, your unsolvable flaws – the ones that truly define who you are – that you are able to proficiently select harmonious relationships. Only then do you finally know what you’re looking for. You’re looking for imperfect people who balance you out – the perfectly imperfect people for you. (Angel and I discuss this process in detail in the Relationships chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
3. Stop judging current relationships based on past ones.
Think about those times when you passed an unfair judgment on someone merely because they reminded you of someone from your past who treated you poorly. Sadly, some people pass judgments like these throughout the entire duration of their long-term relationships. Simply because they were once in a relationship with someone who was abusive, dishonest, or who left them, they respond defensively to everyone else who gets close to them, even though these new relationships have been nothing but kind and supportive.
If you carry old bricks from the failed relationships of your past to your present relationships, you will build the same flawed structures that fell apart before. So if you suspect that you have been making unfair comparisons between your present relationships and a negative one from the past, take a moment and consciously reflect on the hurtful qualities of this old, negative relationship, and then think of all the ways your present relationships differ. This small exercise will help you let go of the old bricks and remind you that past pains are not indicative of present possibilities.
4. Stop inventing problems that don’t exist.
Inventing problems in our mind and then believing them is a clear path to self-sabotage. Too often we amuse ourselves with anxious predictions, deceive ourselves with negative thinking, and ultimately live in a state of hallucination about worst-case scenarios. We overlook everything but the plain, downright, simple, honest truth.
When you invent problems in your relationships, your relationships ultimately suffer. Insecurity is often the culprit. If you doubt yourself and you don’t realize your own worth, you will pass on any opportunity to let others care for you, and you will remain stuck with the insecurity issues that weigh you down.
The insecure passenger does not trust anyone else to drive. They feel out of control. They imagine that the driver is not paying attention. Or they may even fantasize that the slight jolting of the driver stepping on the breaks is a sign of doom via an impending collision. They freak themselves out by assuming that the visions they have invented in their mind represents reality.
What you need to realize is that there are normal idiosyncrasies to any relationship. There are ups and downs and mood changes, moments of affection and closeness and moments of friction. These ups and downs are normal. Wanting to be absolutely close and intimate all the time is like wanting to be a passenger in a car that has no driver.
Next time you feel insecure, and you catch yourself stressing about problems that don’t exist, stop yourself and take a deep breath. Then tell yourself, “This problem I’m concerned with only exists in my mind.” Being able to distinguish between what you imagine and what is actually happening in your life is an important step towards self-confidence. (Read The Road Less Traveled.)
5. Stop focusing on the negatives.
There’s no such thing as a perfect relationship. Even if it seems perfect now, it won’t always be. Imperfection, however, is real and beautiful. The quality of the happiness between two people grows in direct proportion to their acceptance, and in inverse proportion to their intolerance and expectations. It’s how two people accept and deal with the imperfections of their relationship that make it ideal.
Of course, this doesn’t mean that you have to accept everyone into your life who is willing to accept you, even if they are obviously not right for you. But it does mean that if there are occasional difficulties in your relationships, you don’t have to jump to the bold conclusion that the entire relationship is bad, and become so distressed that the relationship ends, or so insecure that the other person questions your intentions.
No meaningful relationship will always work flawlessly all the time. Being too black and white about the quality and health of a relationship spells trouble. There will always be difficulties present, but you can still focus on the good. Insecure people constantly look for signs of what’s not working in their relationships. What you need to do is look for signs of what is.
Having an appreciation for how remarkable the people in your life are leads to good places – productive, fulfilling, peaceful places. So notice their strong qualities, cheer for their victories, and encourage their goals and ambitions. Challenge them to be the best they can be. Every day, acknowledge just how amazing they are.
The floor is yours…
What relationship issues do you struggle with? When it comes to your relationships, what makes you feel insecure? Please leave us a comment below and share your thoughts.
Photo by: Martin Gommel
Kay says
Thank you for this article – so insightful. I have been documenting my process of healing from a failed relationship in personal blog of my own. I’m struggling with re-finding my self-confidence. This article is truly packed with a lot of goodness for restoration, healing, and getting growing!
I couldn’t resist re-posting a few of your bullet points here to my FB page. 🙂
Thank you!
Braja Patnaik says
Hi Marc & Angel.
Few years back I was addicted to soaps on the television. They were all full of drama. But over several different series I noted the same pattern repeating over and over. All of them had relationship issues being depicted. And all relationship problems could be traced back to some miscommunication that happened between the characters. When I looked around at myself in the real world and real people, I found the same pattern repeated itself abundantly.
I could not agree more than what you have stated as one of the root causes of problems in relationships. You have put it in a different way – Stop trying to read minds. The intent is the same.
Thanks for yet another great post.
Nafeisha says
I enjoyed this post. I have serious trust issues and am always judging current relationships based on past experiences. I’ve been turning down potential relationships because I do tend to focus on the negatives…I’m seriously trying to adjust my attitude/ thinking but its hard. Its hard to go through the whole process of getting to know someone and trusting them and that jazz
Cameron Chardukian says
Great post Marc! It really describes some of the stuff I’m going through. The problem I’m currently facing is that I’ve been an introvert my whole life and I’m trying to become more social. However, I’m having difficult making friends as all the cliques are already established.
Adding to the problem is the fact that without having lots of friends, it’s difficult for me to improve my social skills. I also have completely different interests than most people my age. They’re obsessed with sports while I’m interesting in things like personal development and blogging.
If you were in my shoes how would you go about making friends?
Christy King says
Great article. I would add that it’s important to share your true self. This was always difficult for me, and it turns out I married someone with the same problem (we’re both shy and easily embarrassed). As we continue to reveal more intimate and embarrassing details about ourselves, we feel closer and closer.
Shelly Miller says
Hearing other peoples stories helps with insecurity – thanks for sharing yours 🙂 The tips are good ones.
Asha S Rao says
Thank you so much. I was in a marriage where I was always hammered with the comment of I am not good enough, always challenged to go out and earn money, never appreciated, and much more. I separated after 23 years of marriage in 2006, but to date i am not able to correct the recording going on in my mind that “I am good for nothing.” I have lost nearly all friends, lost all my money, I am dealing with little confidence in everything I do. I am trying my best to heal myself, but in vain. I need help.
Sophia says
No kidding! The right post at the right time as usual – I feel like our souls are connected -I am struggling in my personal growth and life and each of your articles address my issues at the right time and fill me with an inner strength and wisdom to carry on and do what’s right. Thank-you!
Callum says
Yet another consistently helpful and insightful article. I couldn’t be more glad that I found this site. Even moreso while in my 20s (still young ^_^ ). Thank you.
Gillian says
Dear Cameron,
The first thing you have to do is change the recording in your head that says “I am an introvert..which means blah, blah, blah.” How else could you define yourself and change the way you frame yourself? Look back on your life on the times when you easily made friends, you were probably doing something that you loved and I bet you easily connect with people over something that truly interests you. My suggestion would be to find and do things that interest you and connect with others from that place. Meet-up is a great way to meet others with similar interests in a non-threatening way. It’s hard for all of us to put ourselves out there because we are afraid of what others might think but you will start to increase your self-esteem with every little step you take and in doing so you will lead yourself into more intimate relationships. It’s not easy… and it is so worthwhile to push ourselves out of our comfort zone and into human connections that we all yearn and crave.
Deborah says
I response to Asha above…You are not alone…You could have written that identical paragraph about me. I guess it is a common phenomenon, wife mother ,useless to society …I find it most disturbing when I see young people get the job I applied for when I am more qualified…others don’t seem to get that . I don’t know how to not be negative falling so low…
Anora says
Thank you. This had some insightful thoughts that I can certainly relate to. A variation to #3 that I definitely see for myself, is that no one can ever be the same amazing friend that my friend who passed away was. I need to stop comparing my relationships with others with the relationship I had with her.
knick knacks says
His past mistake that keeps on reminding me that I am not enough. I forgave him but maybe not completely because I can’t trust him fully.
Thank you for this wonderful article..I’ll take note of the 5 Stop! 🙂 More power to you. Keep on writing! 🙂
Mahajan says
@ ASHA S RAO…..
If you have lost your self confidence….please try SHAJAYOGA. If you need some more details you can contact me at [email protected]
Soo says
Asha, you and I have survived very similar stories. My heart goes out to you. I, too, still hear the negatives of a 33 year abusive marriage. I’ve decided I have stuffed my feelings, insecurities, and emotions so deep down for so long that these lies tend to become my truth. Logically I know what I was told is not true. With some hard work I am peeling back the layers of hurt and mistrust and becoming happier and healthier. There is a wonderful counseling theory called EMDR. Please look into it. It is the only method I have found effective and gives great proven ways to a happy future. I wish you the best and the promise that there is hope.
Natalie says
You hit the nail square on the head.
“The insecure passenger does not trust anyone else to drive. They feel out of control. They imagine that the driver is not paying attention. Or they may even fantasize that the slight jolting of the driver stepping on the breaks is a sign of doom via an impending collision. They freak themselves out by assuming that the visions they have invented in their mind represents reality.”
The economy being the way it is, & job prospects, I’m in a knot. I just need to realize the “backseat driver”, no matter which seat, has some security issues (etc)….
Nkechi says
I really love this piece. it reminds me of who i used to be in the past….. 1 helluva insecure person. Its a very good read and all the points listed are true. shared it on my blog….. believe someone out there can learn from this.
Trisha says
I woke up this morning with anxiety over a relationship I am in because of my self esteem and insecurities…I I opened my Facebook page to get my mind off of it to relax and this post was the first thing I saw…thank you! I’m so terribly insecure and feel like I am not good enough in this relationship to the point that I sometimes think of ending it. It’s really ridiculous because this person is very good to me and patient with my old scars from my past relationships but I’m always waiting to get hurt and for something to happen so I keep a slight distance out of my fear and insecure thoughts 🙁
I truly needed this today, thank you…I’m working on myself and trying to build my confidence and not always worry that I’m going to be hurt – This is will be something I will read everyday 🙂
Michelle says
I would have to say that after a failed marriage/relationship of 16 years. I struggle with the pain and hurt of betrayal.
(Not saying I was perfect either but my ex made some pretty bad decisions over the years.)
I don’t think it is fair to have anyone new pay for his past mistakes. But I think it is hard to not build up that wall to want to try to protect your heart from hurt again.
But what happens when if you meet someone that has made the same mistake in the past as your previous significant other did?
Do you think that they learned from the hurt that they caused as well?
So I guess this is what I struggle with the most. The trust that someone new will not hurt you again.
I have to tell you Marc and Angel, this is my absolute favorite post you guys have ever done and it goes hand and hand with todays blog:
https://www.marcandangel.com/2012/04/02/10-signs-its-time-to-let-go/
Jyotika says
Thank you,Marc and Angel for yet another beautiful post!:-) I really needed this right now. Just as Sophia put it, I often feel that you guys know exactly what I need to hear!:-) there is definitely some soul to soul connection 🙂 you are absolutely right about trying not to read minds..it just complicates relationships!and accepting the other person as they are is very important!
Frequently,I expect the opposite person to behave or say things in a certain way,not realizing that it is an expectation towards him/her to behave like me and think like me.It is necessary to remember that we are two different individuals thinking about a certain situation in two different ways.
Love you guys for all the wonderful insights you have about life.Keep them coming. God Bless!:-)
Ve says
This article is so timely. I was literally thinking of such things early this morning, while trying to fall back asleep.
I’ve been trying to work on my mindset of feeling that I am a burden to those in my life. I’ve never had a sense of security and stability and no concept of the idea of “unconditional love,” largely thanks to a tumultuous relationship with my mother, chaos in the family, and other problems. I didn’t fully realize what I was lacking because it was all I knew. I had no healthy, happy control to compare my life situations to, unhappiness and dysfunction were the norm, especially since many of my friends have had difficult upbringings and lives as well. Therefore, I was unaware until very recently how it affected my relationships, confidence, etc. as an adult.
Vicker says
Marc, I’d say you’re a heaven sent to the world – a reminder of lost thought, traits etc.. To help us deal with the world of both negativity and positivity. I don’t really know how I got here, but I must confess, my life hasn’t been the same the very first day I got here(unknowingly).
Relationships, although I haven’t been in it much like that due to lack of time for it… But how others, sometimes miserably end-up or come-out from it is what sometimes fuels the doubt inside-me that I shouldn’t ever create more healthy relationships in my life. My thoughts about this has taken a U-turn with the help of this article. Thanks to the heaven-sent, marcandangel, for this awesome and wonderful inspiration.
smiley says
Marc and Angel, I love u guys! I read your blogs on a daily basis and they really do help me think more positive.
I currently gave birth a month ago today to a beautiful baby boy. The father is someone I never thought of having a child with. When I found out I was pregnant I cried so much constantly thinking why does it have to be his! He put me thru so much during our on and off relationship of 4 years and I constantly ask myself why did I allow this immature man 2 mess with my head. Lies upon lies and cheating only after 3 years… then once he knew I found out he begged me 2 take him back and I did give him a chance then ended up pregnant only for him 2 do it again during my pregnancy. He said to me he always thought I was cheating (I broke up when I was 6 months). That to me is a guilt confession.
Anyways he wants to work things out now that we have a baby cause he says the baby truly changed him but I still don’t see anything yet except for his excuses and lies. I now see so much I haven’t seen before and after reading this blog, it just gave me insight on my insecurities and how I need to stop always expecting failure within the relationship. We are not together and everyday I keep saying this to myself so I won’t give in to him cause I now need to be happy for myself and my children (2 from previous relationship and only 1 with him).
Thank you Marc and Angel 🙂
David Rapp says
I’ll take a different stance on my answers. Thanks to all for sharing today’s post.
1. Stop reading minds….and speak your own truth. It will ruffle feathers. not everyone will like it, or understand it at first. But keep doing it and the relationship will evolve, its working for me.
2. Stop looking for perfect relationships…and focus on your contribution to the relationship. Crazy family? Limit interactions and filter their commentary. Control your side. It takes 2 to Tango, if you opt out or change direction, the dynamic changes.
3. Stop judging now based on the past…and start looking at now as a basis for the future. There is a lot of pain with our group today, lots of damage done over decades. That is what happened then, under very specific circumstances. Poke around and get some help locally. I dedicate an hour a day on reconciling my past, sounds silly but it works.
4. Stop inventing problems that don’t exist…and start creating your wish list for the relationship you want. Turn it around. How?
If you hear these phrases in your head, you’re going down the wrong path: “But I can’t..”, “I already tried that”, “It always..”, “It never..”
I have a gold medal for wreaking havoc in my own mind. I “what if’d” myself out of great dates, job interviews, vacations, and opportunities. My self-esteem was so low that I did not date for 5 years. Don’t hold back for anyone, including yourself.\
5. Stop focussing on the negatives…and find some damn positives. They are there, you lost sight of them and let the negatives rule. Every castle has a dungeon, but no one said you have to dwell in it.
Amandah says
This is good advice for ALL relationships: friendship, business, family, and intimate.
If you bring the baggage from your previous relationships to your current relationships, you’ll basically have the same relationships. The only difference is the ‘look’ of the people.
Heal and learn from your previous relationships. Going forward, you’ll experience happier relationships.
TLC says
Trusting your own judgment. Go with your gut. You have stated this before…trust people until they give you a reason not to. If you feel uncomfortable with something, trust your feelings and say what’s on your mind. If you’re feeling insecure about a situation, say what’s on your mind. If you’re recycling a loop of negative self-talk, say “DEVIL BE GONE!” and trust that you’ll be ok.
Mike@WeOnlyDoThisOnce says
It’s helpful to take frequent stock of all the positive things, since there will always be shortcomings and disappointments. It just comes down to whether the good outweighs the bad.
Mulki says
Great post. I will add, stop looking the right person. And focus to be the right one, then right people will come to your life!!!!
Thanks Mark
Cc says
Thanks for the reminder! One recent past relationship was imperfectly perfect, which was working for me. I had wanted to stay in the relationship but my partner did not. Unknowingly I was trying to conform to his “mold” of his perfect “me”. Over the course of several months I became so withdrawn and lost. I was unable to think or make decisions for myself. I also discovered that I had breast cancer this year. It is my belief that the stressful situation that I would not face and choosing to try and hold onto this relationship contributed to my overall health. This is my example of a relationship that must be ended.
I’m happy to say that today I have satisfying relationships with grateful imperfectly perfect people. I also believe that my awareness today and these relationships contributed greatly to my remission. 🙂
Thank you for “jump starting” my awareness on a regular basis!
Magda says
Hi! This message is for Cameron Chardukian! I am an introvert as well and I have found that signing up on meetup.com has really helped me “get out there”. I’ve met a lot of lovely people on that sight and continue to meet with them on a regular basis. There are even meetups for introverts and for self-development types.
I must also comment on the awesome post. I have been blessed with a relationship with my soul mate. Him and I follow a lot of what you are saying in the post and it totally works. We’ve been together almost twenty years, having met in our very early 20s. You are guys are doing tremendous work and I get so much insight and shift in perspective each time I read your posts. Thank you!!
Cheers:) Magda
Leslie says
Your posts are always spot on. Every single person deals with all these things. I don’t read half of my email, except yours. Its always positive and they build up, not tear down. I am such an insecure person, and am always inventing problems in my head when it comes to my relationship. My mind goes down a path that gets deep and dark and then winds and spins away so far from what is real and actual. My husband has learned how to pull me back out, but I need positive inner dialougue to help me stop it myself, so thanks for the help and nice way you kick us in the butt!
Chelsea says
Never had major insecurities in my relationship until recently. Although its not apparent it has taken a tremendous toll on me. Came to look for some calming advice on relationships on your blog because it is absolutely wonderful and this article popped up as soon as I reached the page like it was planted right there for me to see. A little freaked out about the irony however, your words and wisdom and positive thinking are sometimes just what I need to hear.
I just want you to know how amazing it is to be able to read your blog every day. I appreciate you for all that you do. And I hope you realize the differences maybe small differences you have made in my life and certainly others as well. Thank you.
Cameron Chardukian says
Thanks for the responses Gillian and Magda. I’ll work to change the way I think about being introverted and begin putting myself more out there with other people. I’m actually joining Toastmasters this week so hopefully that’ll help as well. 🙂
sameera says
It never ceases to amaze me how accurately you choose a topic which is so relevant to my state of mind on that particular time…day in and day out…just today I am feeling so insecure in a relationship and just as you have mentioned I try to put things into his mind though he doesn’t say anything. After reading your blog I’m saying to myself I’ve got to stop this…thank you guys…you’re just great!!!
Shyam says
A very incisive read indeed.
I really liked the first point about not getting tempted to read minds and arriving at conclusions in haste.
I am a believer of having an open mind while seeking a relationship , be it personal or business. This post has added a few more dimensions towards that.
Evangeline says
Great article!
I was in a seemingly perfect relationship! I thought he was perfect and he thought I was perfect.. But… He sabotaged it! He kept saying, “Do you ever get upset? I can’t wait to our first argument!” When planning our wedding and new living arrangements, I refused to live in his current home where his deceased wife had died, amongst other sacrifices I was supposed to be the only one doing, like quitting the job I loved, moving my teenage daughter’s high school, and moving to Riverside! That ended our relationship! He absolutely got his argument. But great to know he wasn’t perfect and quite the opposite, very selfish and inflexible! Define testily dodged a destructive bullet 🙂
Diane says
Insecurity issues in the early stages of my marriage stemmed from my husbands petty jealously.
He used to get uptight (and worse) if I was innocently talking to other men. It was difficult at first but my constant reassurance eventually cured him.
In banishing your insecurity issues you need to accept you have a problem. The dedication and understanding of your partner, with your willingness to work hard to change will see your feelings of insecurity disappear.
Reeb says
Hi Marc and Angel, I follow your blog like a bible. And it has completely changed my life. When ever there are dark days, it is your blog that I turn myself to.
I recently spoke to a group of slum children about trust. Here is the link to the post.
Hope you like it. May God bless u both!
Bev says
I have cared for 2 years..very deeply..for a man I have known for 25 yrs..who has been a widower for 5 yrs now. I have been divorced 15 yrs..we go to church together..text..talk occasionally..and he hugs me every Sunday morning..but we have never had a ‘real date’ and it is tearing my heart out because I want more. He says he deeply cares..but just cant move on..and open his heart that way..I have truly fallen in love with this friendship..but so sad..all the time..because in 2 yrs of constant communication..he has NEVER even had a meal..or anything with me???
My mind tells me to move on..and my heart says hang on???..the only time he truly acts like he cares..is when I go for a week or so and don’t call..he sends messages..like..’you must be seeing someone..guess its my loss..hope you are happy’?..He still wears his wedding ring…visits her grave regularly..etc. And I am willing to listen about her every time..because I care so deeply for him…I have prayed that if he is not the one.and this is true, to give me a sign.
DW says
My spouse is sad and bitter, a person who preferred a relationship with their same gender but couldn’t come to grips with it and married me and we had children together until reality hit me. To this day I’m not sure what my children know, but I am sure my spouse’s double life hurt us all (my spouse included). Each of my children have a harsh streak. I had to work hard to keep them from being hurt by my angry spouse and since it’s easier to attack someone “your own size”, I had to work to keep them from hurting each other too. The results could not be perfect, but I hoped it would be happier than it is. To keep from being emotionally (and financially) finished I took the route David Rapp has outlined.
David Rapp, that’s a great line and so true, “Every castle has a dungeon, but no one said you have to dwell in it.” I very much enjoy reading your comments.
I thought if I could be accepting and realistic my willingness to be present and tolerant in our strange situation would be healing for everyone. Instead, with all the wounds I bore and may have caused, I am uncomfortable with my children who are now all sharp-tongued adults. Most of us keep our distance from each other. What I hoped would have been a family has sadly become single nuclei floating around each one by themselves somewhere in the world. I tell myself that each of us is probably out there trying to make better choices. I guess it’s a long road, because . . . . . because it is.
@Asha and @Soo; Join a group, a blog, a school, and connect, don’t let yourself be isolated. If you give in and stay alone and insecure you are continuing the damage of your past – and you aren’t in it anymore. Look out for your dream income and begin a list on what you need to create it. It will bring you amazing strength, relief and hope. Belong. Connect. I did and it is helping so I am passing the advice on to you.
Kudos again to MarcandAngel for another wonderful post.
Romane says
Great post guys. I am reading through the comments and I can see the connection everyone can share some challenges in relationships and naturally that’s how relationships are .The points are insightful and I am happy to be a reader of them for I do learn a lot here.
Arzu says
@David Rapp. I absolutely love the quote “Every castle has a dungeon, but no one said you have to dwell in it.” Definitely going under my favorite quotes and credited to you 🙂
Marc Chernoff says
@Braja Patnaik: Interesting how you became more aware of miscommunication playing a major role in relationships. Kinda sounds like soaps are beneficial to an extent after all! =)
@Cameron Chardukian: We are more in your shoes than you know. Angel and I just moved to a new city knowing no one. I would suggest participating in groups and meet-ups you enjoy. To amplify your confidence in a social environment I would suggest checking out your local toastmasters group (toastmasters.org) and also check out meetup.com. You’ll be able to meet people with common interests in your community whether its photography, personal development or blogging. And, what Gillian said. Let us know how it goes. =)
(I wrote this comment before I saw your addition. Great job Cameron, you’re making progress.)
@Asha S Rao and Deborah: Maybe it’s time to seek professional help. If you see the issues within yourself, now is the time to make progress and take a positive step forward. Seeing a professional psychologist / therapist can work wonders.
@Gillian: Great response, thank you!
@Smiley: Congratulations on the arrival of your baby boy!
@David Rapp: Love it! Thank you for your continued thought provoking input. Such beautiful, inspiring thoughts.
@Mulki: Great point and something we all can work on. =)
@All: As Amandah said, this advice can relate to any relationship – friendship, business, family and intimate, etc. You are not alone. We’re all figuring out this mystery we call life together. Thank you for the continue support and love. Cheers to building confidence and loving ourselves more than we did yesterday.
piyush001 says
This was extremely awesome article that related to my feelings. I really needed it. Thanx for sharing.
:'(
Linda says
Oh how I wish I would have had this wisdom a few weeks ago. My insecurities completely blew a very important relationship out of the water – all of the scenarios I built up in my mind – imagined slights, etc. So desperately wish I could fix it, but I’m running out of time as my friend is moving to another state soon and I suspect I will never see him again.
Thank you for your beautiful insights. They are such a blessing.
ALT says
I am the kind of person who lives in a fairy tale as my husband would say especially when I am trying so hard for our relationship to be perfect. I just now understand that truly there is no such thing as perfect relationships.
This article really made me realize that I am so insecure even if my husband tells me that I am the most beautiful woman he has ever met. Even though he has proven himself to me by leaving everything he has in his hometown just to marry me and to prove to my family that he is here to stay to be with me. I just now realized that I am the problem, I think of negative things. It is true that I even think of worst cases scenarios just because I think too much negativity which really leads to bad arguments. I love my husband so much and I know that he also loves me truly. It is I who made up things in my mind and when reality strikes I won’t even accept things because I’m in my fantasy that we should do this, that this is the right thing to do which is not right.
I want to thank you for this wonderful article and tips because now that I realize what have I been doing wrong I am able to change it and make our relationship more realistic, and hopefully it will grow stronger.
Jeannie says
This post could not come at a better time. One of my toughest friendships just hit an obstacle and I’m struggling to overcome it. My biggest problem I have in my relationships is my insecurity in learning to trust myself and other people in spite of how much I’ve been hurt in the past. This post is a great reminder of what I need to keep in mind and do to make this friendship work.
Diana says
I agree with some of the others that David Rapp has added some great dimensions to the advice that was already given. In my life, I spent a lot of time believing I could read other people’s minds or that they were reading mine. All it did was cause problems. Honest, simple communication is the best way to maintain healthy relationships.
Sab says
Thank you so much. I knew I had insecurity issues from a failed marriage, but I didn’t realize I had a real problem until I met someone special. He’s gently made me realize that I could address certain insecurities in order to live a more fulfilling life. I never put much thought in it before, but within the past few hours I’ve had a real revelation. I was soul searching when I ran across this post and it just put me to tears. I saw myself and I didn’t like it. This was the help I needed to turn the corner before I lost a good thing.
So, thank you again. You’ve changed my perspective. My sincere gratitude.
Chris says
Great article, thanks so much for sharing! I watched myself nearly destroy the best thing that ever happened to me. It was surreal, like watching a horror movie and yelling at the screen “Don’t go back in the house!”..
So much of your post was exactly my experience, I mean EXACTLY… it is clear that so many of us allow fear, insecurity, the past, etc to filter our view of the present and disrupt our relationships..
Luckily Tam was able to see through the insecurity and allowed me time to get my head out of my arse, put the past behind me, and start living life Now, instead of being stuck in the past or allow aprehension of some imagined breakup in the future rob us of what we have. When I think about it now I just shake my head and smile, and am so grateful.
I love the stuff you post, keep it up, you are inspirational/educational/motivational and thought-provoking to so many
Peace,
Chris