Don’t let toxic people rent space in your head.
Raise the rent and get them out of there.
Surviving the ups, downs, and lightning storms of other people’s moodiness can be quite a challenge. It’s important, though, to remember that some moody, negative people may be going through a difficult stage in their lives. They may be ill, chronically worried, or lacking what they need in terms of love and emotional support. Such people need to be listened to, supported, and cared for (although whatever the cause of their moodiness and negativity, you may still need to protect yourself from their behavior at times).
But there’s another type of moody, negative behavior: that of the toxic bully, who will use his or her mood swings to intimidate and manipulate. It’s this aspect of moodiness that inflicts enduring abuse and misery. If you observe these people closely, you will notice that their attitude is overly self-referential. Their relationships are prioritized according to how each one can be used to meet their selfish needs. This is the kind of toxic behavior I want to look at in this post.
I’m a firm believer that toxic mood swings (like chain letter emails) should not be inflicted on one person by another, under any circumstances. So how can you best manage the fallout from other people’s relentless toxicity?
1. Move on without them.
If you know someone who insists on destructively dictating the emotional atmosphere, then be clear: they are toxic. If you are suffering because of their attitude, and your compassion, patience, advice, and general attentiveness doesn’t seem to help them, and they don’t seem to care one bit, then ask yourself, “Do I need this person in my life?”
When you delete toxic people from your environment it becomes a lot easier to breathe. If the circumstances warrant it, leave these people behind and move on when you must. Seriously, be strong and know when enough is enough! Letting go of toxic people doesn’t mean you hate them, or that you wish them harm; it simply means you care about your own well-being.
A healthy relationship is reciprocal; it should be give and take, but not in the sense that you’re always giving and they’re always taking. If you must keep a truly toxic person in your life for whatever reason, then consider the remaining points…
2. Stop pretending their toxic behavior is OK.
If you’re not careful, toxic people can use their moody behavior to get preferential treatment, because… well… it just seems easier to quiet them down than to listen to their grouchy rhetoric. Don’t be fooled. Short-term ease equals long-term pain for you in a situation like this. Toxic people don’t change if they are being rewarded for not changing. Decide this minute not to be influenced by their behavior. Stop tiptoeing around them or making special pardons for their continued belligerence.
Constant drama and negativity is never worth putting up with. If someone over the age 21 can’t be a reasonable, reliable adult on a regular basis, it’s time to…
3. Speak up!
Stand up for yourself. Some people will do anything for their own personal gain at the expense of others – cut in line, take money and property, bully and belittle, pass guilt, etc. Do not accept this behavior. Most of these people know they’re doing the wrong thing and will back down surprisingly quickly when confronted. In most social settings people tend to keep quiet until one person speaks up, so SPEAK UP.
Some toxic people may use anger as a way of influencing you, or they may not respond to you when you’re trying to communicate, or interrupt you and suddenly start speaking negatively about something dear to you. If ever you dare to speak up and respond adversely to their moody behavior, they may be surprised, or even outraged, that you’ve trespassed onto their behavioral territory. But you must speak up anyway.
Not mentioning someone’s toxic behavior can become the principal reason for being sucked into their mind games. Challenging this kind of behavior upfront, on the other hand, will sometimes get them to realize the negative impact of their behavior. For instance, you might say:
- “I’ve noticed you seem angry. Is something upsetting you?”
- “I think you look bored. Do you think what I’m saying is unimportant?”
- “Your attitude is upsetting me right now. Is this what you want?”
Direct statements like these can be disarming if someone truly does use their moody attitude as a means of social manipulation, and these statements can also open a door of opportunity for you to try to help them if they are genuinely facing a serious problem.
Even if they say: “What do you mean?” and deny it, at least you’ve made them aware that their attitude has become a known issue to someone else, rather than just a personal tool they can use to manipulate others whenever they want. (Read Toxic People.)
And if they persist in denial, it might be time to…
4. Put your foot down.
Your dignity may be attacked, ravaged and disgracefully mocked, but it can never be taken away unless you willingly surrender it. It’s all about finding the strength to defend your boundaries.
Demonstrate that you won’t be insulted or belittled. To be honest, I’ve never had much luck trying to call truly toxic people (the worst of the worst) out when they’ve continuously insulted me. The best response I’ve received is a snarky, “I’m sorry you took what I said so personally.” Much more effective has been ending conversations with sickening sweetness or just plain abruptness. The message is clear: There is no reward for subtle digs and no games will be played at your end.
Truly toxic people will pollute everyone around them, including you if you allow them. If you’ve tried reasoning with them and they aren’t budging, don’t hesitate to vacate their space and ignore them until they do.
5. Don’t take their toxic behavior personally.
It’s them, not you. KNOW this.
Toxic people will likely try to imply that somehow you’ve done something wrong. And because the “feeling guilty” button is quite large on many of us, even the implication that we might have done something wrong can hurt our confidence and unsettle our resolve. Don’t let this happen to you.
Remember, there is a huge amount of freedom that comes to you when you take nothing personally. Most toxic people behave negatively not just to you, but to everyone they interact with. Even when the situation seems personal – even if you feel directly insulted – it usually has nothing to do with you. What they say and do, and the opinions they have, are based entirely on their own self-reflection. (Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the “Relationships” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
6. Practice practical compassion.
Sometimes it makes sense to be sympathetic with toxic people whom you know are going through a difficult time, or those who are suffering from an illness. There’s no question about it, some toxic people are genuinely distressed, depressed, or even mentally and physically ill, but you still need to separate their legitimate issues from how they behave toward you. If you let people get away with anything because they are distressed, facing a medical condition, or depressed, even, then you are making it too tempting for them to start unconsciously using their unfortunate circumstance as a means to an end.
Several years ago, I volunteered at a psychiatric hospital for children. I mentored a boy there named Dennis, a diagnosed Bipolar disorder patient. Dennis was a handful sometimes, and would often shout obscenities at others when he experienced one of his episodes. But no one ever challenged his outbursts, and neither had I up to this point. After all, he’s clinically “crazy” and can’t help it, right?
One day I took Dennis to a local park to play catch. An hour into our little field trip, Dennis entered one of his episodes and began calling me profane names. But instead of ignoring his remarks, I said, “Stop bullying me and calling me names. I know you’re a nice person, and much better than that.” His jaw literally dropped. Dennis looked stunned, and then, in a matter of seconds, he collected himself and replied, “I’m sorry I was mean Mr. Marc.”
The lesson here is that you can’t “help” someone by making unwarranted pardons for everything they do simply because they have problems. There are plenty of people who are going through extreme hardships who are not toxic to everyone around them. We can only act with genuine compassion when we set boundaries. Making too many pardons and allowances is not healthy or practical for anyone in the long-term. (Read Who’s Pulling Your Strings?)
7. Take time for yourself.
If you are forced to live or work with a toxic person, then make sure you get enough alone time to relax, rest, and recuperate. Having to play the role of a “focused, rational adult” in the face of toxic moodiness can be exhausting, and if you’re not careful, the toxicity can infect you. Again, understand that even people with legitimate problems and clinical illnesses can still comprehend that you have needs as well, which means you can politely excuse yourself when you need to.
You deserve this time away. You deserve to think peacefully, free from external pressure and toxic behavior. No problems to solve, boundaries to uphold, or personalities to please. Sometimes you need to make time for yourself, away from the busy world you live in that doesn’t make time for you.
The floor is yours…
What are your experiences with toxic people? What have you done to cope with their behavior? Please share your thoughts by leaving a comment below.
Photo by: Monkeyc
Aleigna Tejada says
Thank you for this, Marc! The timing of when I read this post is so spot on. I’ve been having a hard time dealing with someone who’s been so toxic to me for the longest time (worse, she’s part of my immediate family) and this helped shed some light on what I need to do. I’ve been stressing over it for the past 3 days so reading this now helped me a lot. Thanks again! 🙂
Cynthia Kerry says
I am this toxic person. It’s hard to admit. He finally said enough after 2 1/2 years of my bullying. I went through a tough divorce and he helped me so much at the tail end. I just let him go recently…poor man…as I read this…it is me…I’m sorry to all of you that suffer with a mentally ill mate. I have tried to resolve my issues, but I suffer and so wish I didn’t have this! At times, I am so angry that I just can’t let it go! You have no idea how it feels to not be able to escape an illness. Please know, I seem like a normal person to most. Most likely like your abuser. Until I am denied attention or I feel I was being forgotten. It doesn’t help that I was at times…I’m praying that it’s just the personalities of the men I usually attract…maybe one day I will find a man that will not enable this behavior. Someone that I’m proud of and willing to make the change for…the change to seek maybe a mentor or spiritual guide will take time out weekly to meet with me and center me…I know I’m this way and as any sufferer, I wish so much to be different. Please know some of us do try…
Susan Rae says
Your book has actually helped me eliminate a truly toxic relationship from my life in the past year. One of the points you and Angel make in your book is to evaluate your principles against the company you keep. Understand those principles and live them. In a natural fashion toxicity will gradually fade from your life and if your principles are true to you, the universe will shape positively around you.
I have found that this principle applies to both friendships and intimate relationships. I’d rather have no friends than have endless toxicity in my life.
Thank you as always.
Dev says
I love the balanced approach of putting your foot down, but also practicing practical compassion. Like Susan, your book has helped me find this balance. I’ve since made it a point to surround myself with people who inspire me, and also work through some toxic issues with those people who I know are worth it.
@Cynthia Kerry: The fact that you realize your negative behavior, means you’re gradually growing. Regards for being so open and honest, and for facing your demons and working on defeating them.
Debra says
I relate to so much of what you’ve written as I’ve had to set boundaries and/or remove myself from toxic relationships with both family and friends. I’ve always had the good sense to know that it’s ok that people move in and out of one’s inner most circle but never actually controlled who I did and didn’t want in it myself, until I was older. The relief and peace that comes with choosing to no longer be manipulated and abused (yes, it is a form of abuse) by a toxic person, as difficult as it likely is, is of great reward. Being able to breath again is a very accurate description.
Anonymous says
I am so glad I divorced my ex. He was an extremely Toxic person. After reading this article I realized that I did the correct decision. He called the divorce last time and I ran to my attorney and get everything together. I wanted to divorce him anyways. Because is toxic personality I got very ill with stress, all this year I was trying to figure out was his problem was but I couldn’t now I know what was wrong. We we’re marry for 11 years, no kids thanks God.
Thank you for this valuable information about Toxic People.
Ladybug says
This toxic person happens to be my mother in-law. There is no way around her. I am just tired!
Karen says
Cynthia, I too am this toxic person. I breaks my heart to think I cause so much pain to the ones I love. After 5 years of marrage and 10 years living together my husbsnd has developed his own anger problems….I “infected him” with my uncontrollable negativity. We are working on our marriage, but we are on the verge of divorce if things don’t change.
I feel like a prisoner. I turn everyone away even when I set out to be nice. The littlest things set me off. I need to save my marraige. I love him with all of my heart, but I can’t stop fighting. I grew up with it. My father is bipolar too. It’s all I know. I’m going to support groups, church groups, a psychologist, a psychiatrist. I’m reading books on staying calm and not becoming unglued. It only helps a tiny bit. I don’t know what else to do.
Zalika says
That’s some awesome advice. I believe the people you hang out with can make or break you. I had read somewhere, that a person is always the summation of the five people he spends most time with, and I believe that to be true. My strategy of dealing with toxic people is to get away from them and focus least on them. You’ll soon attract the best people for you.
MissM says
I cannot thank you enough for this post… I’ve dealt with someone close to me for years, who is exactly like this and it is extremely exhausting. I have felt many many times like I need counseling because I can’t get my head right. Just like every other post that has helped me so much, thank you for your insight once again, you guys are blessings. 🙂
Fred says
Thank you for this enlightening article. I’ve been dealing with someone whose behaviour could be considered toxic. He’s a young adult with high-functioning autism who still has severe tantrums and is extremely self-oriented. Although he’s trying desperately to figure out the world of social interaction the rest of us take for granted, he still can’t seem to put into action what he understands intellectually. This is enormously frustrating and results in his violent and abusive (sometimes physically abusive) outbursts.
I find myself dragged down into his dark world on a daily basis, often suffering physically from having to listen to the tales of his abuse towards his immediate family and others. I now wonder if I have actually been enabling his effect on me by not stopping it in its tracks. I thought I was being the shoulder he needed to cry on, at my own expense, when what I may have been doing was sanctioning this toxic behaviour by allowing it. Maybe I need to employ a bit of tough love to help both of us have a more normal relationship. And, almost counter-intuitively, maybe help him find his way in our strange world of social interactions that he finds so hard to fathom.
omar says
I have a toxic person in my life , he is my roommate, and he is always trying to manipulate and dominate me. I hate that. In the past I behaved gently and kindly and tried to be very nice and supportive. I tried to calm him down every time he gets angry but unfortunately all this did not work out; I do not know what to do. I lost my patience! Enough is enough! He went too far beyond limits, surely it is time to finally stop him from hurting me.
Chimpy says
When you say “I think you look bored. Do you think what I’m saying is unimportant?”
And they reply “Yes, I am bored. What you are saying is boring, irrelevant and consuming my life for no good reason.” What do you say?
rcb says
I was a toxic person to my most treasured best friend, and eventual he reached his his saturation point and we had a fight over my behavior. I used to believe that we were brothers from different mothers until he cut the ties of our friendship. I accepted and realized my faults and in fact I agree with you when you suggest to move on without toxic people in life, when it makes sense.
Only one thing I believe though, is that no matter how hard it is to be with somebody, if you treat that person as a best friend, a brother and a family, then you will stay through thick and thin that’s the real friendship, at least for me. I think in many cases there is a way to help the toxic person change.
James watts says
The timing of this post is so relevant for me and has given me guidance in my time of need. I am living with a toxic person at university and all the points are extremely helpful. Thank you.
Cody Wheeler says
I’ve unfortunately had to do this with a few people in my life after these toxic people simply refused to ‘grow up’ and became pretty negative influences in my life. It was hard to do, but I can honestly say I’m better because of it, and I truly do feel for these people.
tara dillard says
Working in my garden, over a decade ago, a pure unbidden thought arrived. “You decide which plants to put in your garden, choose which people to put in your life.”
Eject button, almost the same instant.
Some family members were included.
Still feels good, this many years later. I love, adore, appreciate who is in my life now.
Garden & Be Well, XO Tara
Gary Sailes says
I was married to a toxic person. My wife was the perennial negative bully. Problem was, she was an expert at making you feel bad utilizing logic and reason. It was not a fair fight, she has a PhD and even used her credential against me when we disagreed on how to help our young son with his homework. We have since separated and the peace and calm in my life and this house is wonderful. Your words, Marc, are spot on. Distancing myself from this individual was the correct decision. She never listened, everything was about her, her ego was fragile, she felt threatened if you disagreed and made you feel stupid for disagreeing. I am free!
Sharon says
What can I do if the toxic person in my life is my 90 year old mother? She has always treated me bad and purposely made me feel shame. She disapproved of whatever was good in my life. I’m at my wits end and would love to end this relationship before she hurts me anymore.
Laurie says
I’ve had a friend for 32 years that’s like this. Extreme narcissism and a bully. In August they were so cruel that I told them I needed space. I have seen them once to discuss the issue but they walked out on the conversation after 20 minutes. Since then, I have realized that we will never be able to be close friends again and I’m good with that.
Thank you for your fabulous articles!
LJ
D.J. Yows says
I wish you could translate this into a children’s book-what a “leg-up” it would be to know these skills at a young age.
claire says
I find my toxic husband has rubbed off on me… I am, now, the person I never wanted to become. We have poisoned each other and I want out.
Nancy says
Dear Chimpy – you say “goodbye.” Then go on and have a happy life without that negative person in your universe.
Betsy says
I feel so compelled to leave a comment. My problem is that I am the opposite. I am a genuinely nice person who believes everyone is good and honest. That is where the toxic people come into my life. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and these people pick up on it in an instant. It’s like I am a magnet for toxic people because I am so trusting.
As a child yes there was abuse, and I always wondered “why me” and even after many decades later, am still asking this question. I realize I will never get the answers that I seek. But am very proud of the fact that as a mom of 2 grown beautiful women, they did not have to put up with the things I did. That was a promise I made many years go. The cycle can be broken.
I do need to practice all 7 of these points. And I thank you again for putting this right in my face, and to all of the others that leave a comment. Your words have such meaning. Thank you all.
Amandah says
Great post!
If I wrote about my experiences with toxic people, this would be a 2,000 word comment. 🙂
Anyway…
I’ve learned that it’s not about me; it’s about them and what is happening in their life. Just because I’ve worked on myself and continue to work on myself, doesn’t mean others are ready to face the fact that they’re responsible for their lives. I send toxic people lots of love and positive vibes and send them on their merry way. 🙂
Sian says
I can’t thank you enough for this article, it was so spot-on and really did help me see outside the situation and give me some hope.
Though, I am feeling desperate as the very toxic person is my co-worker (actually a bit above me), in my department, who I have to sit next to. Anyone have any advice as to how to deal with this? I am newer to this workplace. And this colleague is also very concerned with my “liking” her, and lashes out if I do not do even smaller things such as walking with her to the cafeteria (when I am busy!), etc. She’s only 23. Work has become so stressful and anxiety-ridden for me. I can’t actually distance myself, she constantly victimizes herself despite being an aggressor and extremely cruel. She also refers to me as her ‘best friend’ even though I’ve only worked with her for about 2 months..and I very much have my own life with friends I’ve had since I was 8!
J Morell says
This is such great timing with the holidays fast approaching. #3 really hit home as I let people walk all over me and guilt me into doing things. Wonderful article. Keep them coming…
Anne Lorenz says
I had a friend that I played tennis with for about 7 years. One day she called me as last resort to play doubles cause could she not find any one else. I first said no that I was not feeling well, but I let her talk me into it. As the afternoon went on I got sicker and called her one hour to cancel stating I was very sick and could not play. She asked me to find some one else, so I turned it over to another girl who was playing too and she said she would try to find someone. A month went by she did not return my calls and emailed her let’s get together and play some tennis. She sent me back a nasty email stating I was so lucky that I had some friends that put up with my behavior that she only wanted to hang out with dependable people. I emailed her back and said it sounds like you are angry with me let’s get together and talk. She point blank said she wanted nothing to do with me she did not want to talk… that I made her look bad in front of others and her time was precious and so on to not contact her again. It saddens me a lot after that someone I knew could write me off so easily over a tennis game. The worst of it is that she has become closer to a friend of mine who did not stand up to her about this and knew all this took place. As of now I have no interest in this other friend. Still having a hard time letting go.
Dee says
Reared in a highly dysfunctional family, along with having PTSD and Asperger’s, I can see myself on both sides of this fence. These are conditioned RE-actions, not a chosen lifestyle, and I’m saddened that others sometimes consider me the way you described. Yet I find myself trying to escape toxic people like this, as well. I’m constantly in prayer to avoid these “triggered” reactions, and it is a long, slow process that doesn’t happen overnight (it took years to create). And, although I am not Bipolar, I take great offense to your description of people who are, as “clinically crazy”. No clinical diagnosis includes the word “crazy” (check the DSM), and it carries great emotional pain. I’d like to think there’s hope for me to one day be free of this constant inner turmoil, and pray that others have the compassion and insight to not give up on me. Nobody deserves to be an emotional punching bag, regardless of which side you are on.
Carolk says
I divorced my husband due to his “moodiness,” negativity, outbursts of anger, and resulting verbal abuse. Dealing with it over almost 10 years was dragging me down into depression and I finally faced the fact that it was not going to change. I’m not sure that “ending conversations with sickening sweetness” would have worked because it seems that would be a form of enablement. Confrontation and setting boundaries didn’t seem to work either and just enraged him more when he turned everything I said back on me, a common technique used by these individuals. Consequences of an unhappy relationship didn’t encourage him to change or seek help either. Frankly, I don’t honestly believe these people can change. They really can’t help themselves because it’s an illness that I don’t think they can control.
After researching and reading symptoms, I strongly believe that it is either undiagnosed bipolar disorder or high functioning Asperger’s syndrome. Since he refused to face his issues, I had to try to figure it out on my own. I didn’t want to get divorced but realized the negative impact his toxicity was having on me and my health. Getting away was the only answer and, after 5 months, it’s still taking me time to get back to old happy self before depression eventually set in. I’m seeing a therapist to help me through this. Rather than seek help, he is in continuing denial and on an online dating website searching for the next relationship to bring his baggage to. I know I made the right decision although it was difficult. I hope my comments will help those dealing with the same thing and still trying to convince themselves that it might get better. Move on to a life of peace and breath again.
David Rapp says
Great post. For the those of you who admitted being the toxic person, hats off. At least you see the problem. If you are bi-polar (like me), or suspect you might be, get help. Learn Mindfulness, its easy to find online, Amazon, or your public library.
I would add these items to your arsenal:
Control you reaction to the interaction. Own your thoughts, and if the situation escalates…walk, hang up or move. Yes, move.
Minimize contact. Even if you live with them. So many people stay in relationships because the FEAR of moving outweighs the PAIN of staying. Protect yourself.
You can say NO ANYTIME YOU WANT without explination.
Some very strong questions I use when in these situations:
Does it make you feel better to put me and other people down?
What hurts you so badly that you have to lash out at me? Is it pain, rage, frustration or fear?
I have heard and understand everything you said. But I see right through the lies, manipulation and emotional outbursts..and you don’t meet my lowest expectations. You are better than this, but you are choosing not to be.
Marion says
Informative article and great advice. I understand my background and childhood environment that helped me select bullies in my life. Wanting to be accepted and loved, I tolerated abuse from my ex husbands. I walked away from those men and never looked back. It helped my self esteem and I selected someone much more compatible to me, loving and kinder. However, after 20 years of marriage, he too became abusive. I left him and came back when he understood I would not sacrifice my well being for the problems he faced (health, income). We worked it out, and the outbursts are now infrequent (~twice a year). When he forgets, I use the “you’re much better than this” line and he snaps out of it. He knows I will leave. After 30 years, he’s worth hanging in there for.
My nature is friendly and understanding. Bullies tend to use this type of person. I have learned to assert my needs so I am less vulnerable.
Each of us is different and so are the bullies and situations. We have to try different methods of getting through to them. Ultimately, moving on works best when all else fails.
Linda says
My mother is a toxic person and as a result I have the most minimal contact with her that I can. She used emotional blackmail throughout the 21 years I lived under her roof. She does love me and did many things right as a parent but the constant controlling and manipulation were just too much. The only reason I see her at all is that my dad is still living. My dad, unfortunately, is very meek and easy-going and he has tolerated her behavior for sixty years and that has only made it worse. She believes she is always right and as a result there is nothing that anyone can say to change her and she refuses to get help for her many mental health issues.
Glenda says
I also have toxicity within my immediate family. Naturally you always excuse the behavior because of pre-conceived notions of how family should be. I sm learning ( slow and steady wins the race) to love myself enough to say enough!!
Kate Azo says
Ironically,(or perhaps not) I find I am both abused and abuser at this point in my life. I am sad and depressed when I feel abused and angry and bitter when I abuse others. These confusing feelings take on a kind of chicken and the egg status leaving me unsure who needs to change and where it all began. Your loving comment about being careful to avoid catching the virus really opened up a way for me to understand and forgive both others and myself. I feel better already. Thank you…and it does comfort me to know that I am not alone.
SC says
I’ve been this toxic person too, and perhaps it is about manipulation, but I think it is more about control. I want the other person to suffer as I have suffered; I want them to feel bad as I feel bad. It may not be right but it is honest – I am conscious of my bullying and insulting ways and in that moment I do not care. I want those around me to feel the way I do. But more so, I just want to feel better and cannot. My “toxicity” got bad when a great love left me 7 years ago, then death in the family and menopause put it over the edge. They call this borderline personality disorder and that is the most accurate term for this type of behaviour. It is true that calling someone out on it does help (you) but only instills more guilt in the person and they get worse. Still, I agree with your strategy above on how to remove oneself from this type of person. I just feel sorry for those of us who are left behind and alone.
Linda says
What do you do when it’s two of your own sons?
Claudia says
To those who owned up to their toxic behavior, thank you for your honesty. I know there have been relationships in which I’ve been toxic, and I had to withdraw to examine why. Usually I was filled with fear and pain, like bear with a thorn in her paw. Many people in my life showed me love and compassion through these times, and eventually, I can keep that shadow part of me calm. As someone else said, awareness is the beginning of change and clarity.
I had to let many toxic people in my life go, lately. My work place was extremely toxic, but rather than get out years ago, I waited until I had a stroke last February to get the message that it was time to put down the poison. This post has articulated so clearly what I’ve been feeling lately about releasing toxic people and behavior patterns from my life.
My former best friend probably feels I abandoned her, but the pattern of our dramatic and traumatic relationship became clear, and it realized it was making me I’ll. I wish her all good things, but I can’t save her.
Thank you all for your honesty.
Grace says
My mother is this toxic person. I am 37, and it wasn’t until I was 34 that I finally came to the realization that the problem was her and not me. For 34 years, all her insecurities were thrust upon me and were made to be my insecurities. She has said things that no person should ever say to another, especially a mother to her daughter. And any time I tried to speak up I was reminded that I needed to “listen to your mother” and to “always honor your mother”. I spent the first 34 years of my life believing everything she told me. One day a few years ago, I had reached my breaking point and for the first time ever, I stood up to her and for myself. We didn’t speak for months, and even to this day I’m convinced that she still doesn’t understand what happened… From that day on, I set boundaries that she’s no longer allowed to cross. I’ve come a long way with her, but more importantly with myself. I know I have a long way to go, but at least now I have an understanding that the issues she has are hers, not mine, no matter what she says. It’s difficult when the most toxic person in your life is your own mother, and I’ve tried offering words of encouragement and advice when it’s asked for, but she would rather be miserable. She chooses her behavior because people still enable her and cater to her as outlined in #2 above, but I no longer take part in that. While I can’t change what happened the first 34 years of my life, I can choose to learn from it.
As always, thank you for this post, Marc. Your words help more than you can ever, ever know.
Theresa says
In the last 6 months I have removed two bullies from my life. They are tyrannical. They will have you believing that you are the “crazy” one. It became especially bad when they ganged up with each other. When I saw them for what they are I actually laughed – “she and her lap dog”. Now that I have disallowed them in my life I realized that I had second guessed my own standards and principles and shortchanged myself. I am much happier for making this hard decision to extricate these people from my life. They would have me believing that I was damaged and unhappy when actually it was quite reversed, I am the happy one and they are still searching for it.
But it has not been the first time I have had to do this. I have not spoken to my family for 20 years and that has been the healthiest decision I have ever made. Do not let people black mail you into thinking blood is thicker than water, it is just an accident of birth. I am not able to change someone’s sick lifestyle and I will surely not support it. So to your 90 year old mother – do not let another day of YOUR life go by in peril and support of her damaging ways. My mother survived my walking out, only for her to go on damaging others. But I can not stop her behavior.
Now I have surrounded myself with highly functioning individuals that support and yes, at times chastise me for the proper reasons. It’s about learning and growing outward together, not damaging a person’s soul in order to feel good about one’s self.
Ang says
I was in a toxic church and didn’t realize it until I was trampled. These can be used in those situations too, as churches (organizations) take their personality from those in charge (pastors/elders/etc.) and if they are toxic, the organization is toxic.
God Girl Goth says
Thank you for discussing this topic now. As readers of my blog know, I have an estranged relationship with a family member. This time of year, these kinds of problems make the season harder. Not even the most compassionate, well-intentioned person can change these types of issues between family members.
These types of unresolved issues go on all year round. When they are between close family members, please consider that we’ve done our best to fix things. The best thing to do is pray for peace for both parties, not guilt them into playing nice.
Anonymous says
Thank you for sharing this story with us. However, I do not like what you said in an ableist way. Calling this boy as ‘crazy’. This is definitely not the best description, Marc. Please consider using a better word next time.
Unfortunately, many able-bodied people unintentionally perpetuate ableism. It’s too painful and toxic for me to tolerate these kinds of offensive words to describe someone who has physical or mental disabilities. Illnesses seem more negative and disabilities are more acceptable today. I solemnly hope that my new e-book that you wrote is free of toxic words or ableism. Thank you for your understanding.
Mary says
I was reading some of the comments where you stated that you were that toxic person. I feel your heart and that pain because I am too. Or, I am if I don’t confess it the first thing in the morning. I have been saved since 1977, but not until I met and married a sociopath, did I realize that I too had some of these toxic attributes in my own life. I have been divorced from him for 4 years now, and in this past 4 years, he has left me, my dad passed away, I almost l ost my home and my sanity, my mom passed away and … I survived!!!
I don’t know if anyone here is a believer, but I tell you, the first thing every morning I come to God and beg him not to let me be that person today. I realize that I am not perfect, but I also realize I am not a horrible person. Because I know this ‘toxicity’ about myself, I have chosen to remain single. I don’t date because I don’t feel the desire to bring anyone else into my ‘world’. I spend much time with my family and have so many awesome friends that have no idea about that ‘hidden side’ of my life. I talk to God ALL DAY LONG. I ask Him to change me, to not allow me TODAY, to be ‘bad’. 4 years later, I realize I am not ‘bad’, I just tend to get… weird, sometimes. I love the Lord and I would not be where I am today, back in school, running my own small business and living with my 3 dogs and a cat and … Okay.
I really think we can ALL be alright, if we make it a priority in our lives every day to NOT, if only for this hour, let that take our lives. I pray the each of us, the toxic and the ones that share a life with toxic, try and bring the good out in ourselves or our relationships.
Regina says
HOLD UP THERE FOR A SEC!
Whether you were the toxee or the toxer in a relationship, I think it is a good idea to consider the possibility that maybe you guys are allergic to each other. I love peanuts but peanuts might kill YOU. Don’t eat the peanuts, simple 🙂 I was allergic to my ex husband (I felt kinda bad calling him toxic) He was not good for ME…he may be GREAT for somebody else…:)
Good article – I am a big fan of your stuff!
Melissa Webster says
I had to distance myself from my family for years to really find myself and get strong enough to be around them without taking their toxic behavior personally and to make it clear there were boundaries they couldn’t cross, because I couldn’t just let them go and move on. But I did purge a lot of friends out of my life who dragged me back down and prevented me from growing or being myself.
I had to get in the mindset that I was only going to surround myself with people who lifted me up and encouraged and supported me. It hurt and it was hard and my circle of friends is really, really small now, but it’s made me a much stronger, happier person, and I’m a lot more selective about who I interact with.
Though some toxic people still manage to get past my guard. It took two different friends telling me I was being bullied and the other person was the negative one for me to actually see the last toxic relationship, and it took me months to realize there wasn’t something wrong with me.
So a good rule of thumb I actually wrote out and pinned to my eraser board to recognize toxic people whenever I find myself in this situation again is this:
1) If you feel like you’re walking on eggshells in every conversation, because you’re constantly worried about how this person is going to react to whatever you say, then they’re toxic.
2) If you find yourself apologizing on a regular basis over every conversation, while they apologize for nothing and show no mercy or forgiveness, then they’re toxic.
3) If almost every conversation goes in circles with nothing but drama over the most petty things, then they’re toxic.
4) If “the silent treatment” is a regular occurrence and your communication efforts are ignored, and then you’re blamed for the misunderstandings and communication issues, then they’re toxic.
5) If they consider it your responsibility to anticipate their reaction to whatever you say, and they expect you to anticipate whatever it is they’re in the mood to hear, and then blame you for not complying, they are toxic.
6) If they use “the silent treatment,” anger, criticism and being the “rational adult” for the purposes of controlling, manipulating and “changing” you into compliance, then they are toxic.
7) Emotional abuse that undermines your confidence and steals your mojo is always, always, always toxic. No exceptions and no excuses.
It’s definitely taught me to lose all tolerance for toxic people, and I’m better at walking away and moving on, but I’m still struggling with getting my confidence back and not blaming myself. And I’ve found it’s better to just distance yourself or walk away completely from these people. The last time I called someone out on their behavior, they proved me right by threatening me, and still blamed me for their behavior. People like this have control and power issues, and it’s not worth it.
Eddie says
Thank you for sharing this story with us. I would like to give you constructive criticism. If you have the urge to describe disabled people as physically ill, critically crazy, or mentally ill, please neutralize these toxic words. Try rephrasing “physically disabled” or “mentally disabled” which are more acceptable. I still see people, even extremely wise and smart people, still unconsciously use these toxic, ableist words to describe them. You said that that little boy was hard to handle, try describing him as unruly, rather than “critically ‘crazy'”. Ableism, unfortunately, is overtly everywhere and able-bodied still perpetuate it. Please be mindful of those sensitive people with disabilities. I know it’s hard to admit it, but I’d appreciate it when this message is public to people so that they can learn something vital from this. Thank you for your understanding!
Eddie
cj says
I too am a toxic person… 🙁 My wife has one foot out the door, and I’m realizing too late that I may not have any way to salvage the relationship. I’ve suggested counseling (both individual for myself, and couples), and she agrees I need to do counseling, but until I work on my own issues, couples counseling will do no good. (She is a psychologist.) It also doesn’t give me any hope of salvage, because she spends 3-5 nights a week at her boyfriends house…
I spent 5 years taking her for granted, not appreciating everything she did for me, making her feel guilty if she attempted to call me out, minimizing her feelings, being the beneficiary of the greatest roommates situation ever.
It appears I have lost the greatest thing to ever happen to me, and I squandered every opportunity afforded to me to correct and adjust my trajectory, and in the meantime contributed to the tearing down of a beautiful woman who has finally made the decision (5 years later) to advocate for herself and do what is right for her.
i love the woman dearly, but my actions never showed that, and this is the cost.
Anyone reading this – DON’T MAKE MY SAME MISTAKES!! If you think you might be a toxic person, and you still have people you care about – TELL THEM! Recognize that a selfish, unobservant, defensive life WILL eventually mean you will be ALONE. No, not alone forever – you’ll find someone new, but you’ll have to start over, and you may start the same cycle over. IT ISN’T WORTH IT! Repair/break the cycle you are currently in. Too late for me, but maybe not for you.
Michael Feeley says
This is an important topic and you addressed it well! I like your words – ‘Toxic Bully’.
I removed all toxic people from my life 4 years ago and it made a tremendous difference for my well being. I also continue to stay clear of toxic people and situations completely since then. I have compassion and empathy for people and their question but I have learned my limits and also trust my intuition and instincts with others.
Thanks again for being so courageous in writing this.
my very best – Michael
Rainee says
I’ve set boundaries and am currently attempting to disengage from a toxic marriage. My husband is in an addicted relationship with an active alcoholic and has been supporting her financially and emotionally, (secretly) for over 10 years of our relationship. It’s been extremely destructive to our marriage. He refuses to acknowledge it or end his addictive relationship. Boundaries are difficult when you still love the person but I love myself more. I am unwilling to play mental mind games and suffer from the silent treatment and emotional withdrawal (a life time of his well rehearsed behavior). It’s taking me over two months to get here but every day I feel stronger – I’m out. I deserve to be respected. This is not love it’s mental abuse and control and very well disguised I might add.