Don’t let toxic people rent space in your head.
Raise the rent and get them out of there.
Surviving the ups, downs, and lightning storms of other people’s moodiness can be quite a challenge. It’s important, though, to remember that some moody, negative people may be going through a difficult stage in their lives. They may be ill, chronically worried, or lacking what they need in terms of love and emotional support. Such people need to be listened to, supported, and cared for (although whatever the cause of their moodiness and negativity, you may still need to protect yourself from their behavior at times).
But there’s another type of moody, negative behavior: that of the toxic bully, who will use his or her mood swings to intimidate and manipulate. It’s this aspect of moodiness that inflicts enduring abuse and misery. If you observe these people closely, you will notice that their attitude is overly self-referential. Their relationships are prioritized according to how each one can be used to meet their selfish needs. This is the kind of toxic behavior I want to look at in this post.
I’m a firm believer that toxic mood swings (like chain letter emails) should not be inflicted on one person by another, under any circumstances. So how can you best manage the fallout from other people’s relentless toxicity?
1. Move on without them.
If you know someone who insists on destructively dictating the emotional atmosphere, then be clear: they are toxic. If you are suffering because of their attitude, and your compassion, patience, advice, and general attentiveness doesn’t seem to help them, and they don’t seem to care one bit, then ask yourself, “Do I need this person in my life?”
When you delete toxic people from your environment it becomes a lot easier to breathe. If the circumstances warrant it, leave these people behind and move on when you must. Seriously, be strong and know when enough is enough! Letting go of toxic people doesn’t mean you hate them, or that you wish them harm; it simply means you care about your own well-being.
A healthy relationship is reciprocal; it should be give and take, but not in the sense that you’re always giving and they’re always taking. If you must keep a truly toxic person in your life for whatever reason, then consider the remaining points…
2. Stop pretending their toxic behavior is OK.
If you’re not careful, toxic people can use their moody behavior to get preferential treatment, because… well… it just seems easier to quiet them down than to listen to their grouchy rhetoric. Don’t be fooled. Short-term ease equals long-term pain for you in a situation like this. Toxic people don’t change if they are being rewarded for not changing. Decide this minute not to be influenced by their behavior. Stop tiptoeing around them or making special pardons for their continued belligerence.
Constant drama and negativity is never worth putting up with. If someone over the age 21 can’t be a reasonable, reliable adult on a regular basis, it’s time to…
3. Speak up!
Stand up for yourself. Some people will do anything for their own personal gain at the expense of others – cut in line, take money and property, bully and belittle, pass guilt, etc. Do not accept this behavior. Most of these people know they’re doing the wrong thing and will back down surprisingly quickly when confronted. In most social settings people tend to keep quiet until one person speaks up, so SPEAK UP.
Some toxic people may use anger as a way of influencing you, or they may not respond to you when you’re trying to communicate, or interrupt you and suddenly start speaking negatively about something dear to you. If ever you dare to speak up and respond adversely to their moody behavior, they may be surprised, or even outraged, that you’ve trespassed onto their behavioral territory. But you must speak up anyway.
Not mentioning someone’s toxic behavior can become the principal reason for being sucked into their mind games. Challenging this kind of behavior upfront, on the other hand, will sometimes get them to realize the negative impact of their behavior. For instance, you might say:
- “I’ve noticed you seem angry. Is something upsetting you?”
- “I think you look bored. Do you think what I’m saying is unimportant?”
- “Your attitude is upsetting me right now. Is this what you want?”
Direct statements like these can be disarming if someone truly does use their moody attitude as a means of social manipulation, and these statements can also open a door of opportunity for you to try to help them if they are genuinely facing a serious problem.
Even if they say: “What do you mean?” and deny it, at least you’ve made them aware that their attitude has become a known issue to someone else, rather than just a personal tool they can use to manipulate others whenever they want. (Read Toxic People.)
And if they persist in denial, it might be time to…
4. Put your foot down.
Your dignity may be attacked, ravaged and disgracefully mocked, but it can never be taken away unless you willingly surrender it. It’s all about finding the strength to defend your boundaries.
Demonstrate that you won’t be insulted or belittled. To be honest, I’ve never had much luck trying to call truly toxic people (the worst of the worst) out when they’ve continuously insulted me. The best response I’ve received is a snarky, “I’m sorry you took what I said so personally.” Much more effective has been ending conversations with sickening sweetness or just plain abruptness. The message is clear: There is no reward for subtle digs and no games will be played at your end.
Truly toxic people will pollute everyone around them, including you if you allow them. If you’ve tried reasoning with them and they aren’t budging, don’t hesitate to vacate their space and ignore them until they do.
5. Don’t take their toxic behavior personally.
It’s them, not you. KNOW this.
Toxic people will likely try to imply that somehow you’ve done something wrong. And because the “feeling guilty” button is quite large on many of us, even the implication that we might have done something wrong can hurt our confidence and unsettle our resolve. Don’t let this happen to you.
Remember, there is a huge amount of freedom that comes to you when you take nothing personally. Most toxic people behave negatively not just to you, but to everyone they interact with. Even when the situation seems personal – even if you feel directly insulted – it usually has nothing to do with you. What they say and do, and the opinions they have, are based entirely on their own self-reflection. (Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the “Relationships” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
6. Practice practical compassion.
Sometimes it makes sense to be sympathetic with toxic people whom you know are going through a difficult time, or those who are suffering from an illness. There’s no question about it, some toxic people are genuinely distressed, depressed, or even mentally and physically ill, but you still need to separate their legitimate issues from how they behave toward you. If you let people get away with anything because they are distressed, facing a medical condition, or depressed, even, then you are making it too tempting for them to start unconsciously using their unfortunate circumstance as a means to an end.
Several years ago, I volunteered at a psychiatric hospital for children. I mentored a boy there named Dennis, a diagnosed Bipolar disorder patient. Dennis was a handful sometimes, and would often shout obscenities at others when he experienced one of his episodes. But no one ever challenged his outbursts, and neither had I up to this point. After all, he’s clinically “crazy” and can’t help it, right?
One day I took Dennis to a local park to play catch. An hour into our little field trip, Dennis entered one of his episodes and began calling me profane names. But instead of ignoring his remarks, I said, “Stop bullying me and calling me names. I know you’re a nice person, and much better than that.” His jaw literally dropped. Dennis looked stunned, and then, in a matter of seconds, he collected himself and replied, “I’m sorry I was mean Mr. Marc.”
The lesson here is that you can’t “help” someone by making unwarranted pardons for everything they do simply because they have problems. There are plenty of people who are going through extreme hardships who are not toxic to everyone around them. We can only act with genuine compassion when we set boundaries. Making too many pardons and allowances is not healthy or practical for anyone in the long-term. (Read Who’s Pulling Your Strings?)
7. Take time for yourself.
If you are forced to live or work with a toxic person, then make sure you get enough alone time to relax, rest, and recuperate. Having to play the role of a “focused, rational adult” in the face of toxic moodiness can be exhausting, and if you’re not careful, the toxicity can infect you. Again, understand that even people with legitimate problems and clinical illnesses can still comprehend that you have needs as well, which means you can politely excuse yourself when you need to.
You deserve this time away. You deserve to think peacefully, free from external pressure and toxic behavior. No problems to solve, boundaries to uphold, or personalities to please. Sometimes you need to make time for yourself, away from the busy world you live in that doesn’t make time for you.
The floor is yours…
What are your experiences with toxic people? What have you done to cope with their behavior? Please share your thoughts by leaving a comment below.
Photo by: Monkeyc
JD says
I read this posting with great interest; I have a very toxic sister who has caused issues throughout our family for our entire adult life. At one point we didn’t speak for years, all because I told her she needed to stop letting people take advantage of her if these things aggravated her. She didn’t come to my wedding, or my brother’s, I believe because in some way she felt the family slighted her. In fact, she didn’t participate in any family activities for 7 years, until my father had an emergency bypass. Even then, because she couldn’t afford a last minute plane ticket, my husband and I paid for her to fly to California in case the worst happened. While that opened up the door for greater communication with the family again, she was always difficult for us to deal with.
Gradually, we all got closer, but not without stresses. For instance, when my husband was diagnosed with colon cancer and not up for much activity during a holiday season while she was visiting my parents, she felt that it was very important for her to come over, bringing a dinner, and have the family all at my house. Of course this left me with the cleanup, etc, and the evening didn’t go easily anyway. Her moodiness even corrupted that. My husband did die 5 months later, which also seemed to encourage a renewed relationship. Since that time both of my parents have also passed away, leaving the siblings as the only real family she has, while I am very close to my entire in-law family. Still, it seems like about once a year she has a backslide into her behavior pattern of lashing out, and it always seems to be at me, no one else in the family.
In reading your post, I realized that the last time this happened, September of this year, I instinctively handled it exactly as you point out. I spoke up, saying the conversation wasn’t going to go anywhere so we should end it. I thought that would help her calm down and realize her actions, but I was wrong. She can never apologize, but instead makes excuses for her behavior; this time she just added to it and said her “verbal filter” had been off. I have distanced myself, and don’t communicate unless I am communicated to. I am cordial, have even given birthday and Chanukah gifts to her this year. By doing limiting our contact I have realized that I am truly more content, less stressed, and able to actively take care of my own problems rather than listen to hers for hours on end whenever she calls.
Thank you for illustrating that my actions were not simply selfishness on my part, but necessary for my mental health.
Kamini Naidoo says
What an appropriate topic, especially this time of the year. Good advice to pass on. Keep it coming!
Christine Pitt says
I live in my own home with my emotionally and mentally ill adult son. Because he also has a chronic physical illness, he qualifies for disability income. He pays only for part of his health insurance and his own car payment. I pay for everything else.
He constantly argues with me, shouts obscenities and hurtful things, he refuses to respect my right to have peace in my own home. I know he is very toxic to me and others. He knows how to manipulate me to get what he wants. I am a widow on a limited income. He will not accept the boundaries he has agreed upon. I know I must remove him or at least distance myself from him. He would not be able to survive in “the real world” on his small monthly income. That is the Only reason why I do allow him to continue to live in my home. I know I need to put him out AGAIN. He needs professional help. His rage is out of control and he must stop this toxic behavior before someone “out there” intervenes with their own toxic behavior and physical violence toward him.
It is my own fault that I live like this. I admit that I am not really helping him to grow up (he is almost 34 years old), but there is no one else who loves him or who would put up with this type of negative behavior! Nowhere for him to move, either! It is me who enables him to continue this toxic behavior. I must work on my own issues to become strong enough to give him an ultimatum. Please keep me in your happy and loving thoughts, everyone! Thank you all in advance for your compassion and understanding. “Sunshine” from California
Katherine says
Thank you! I needed this today! It’s a very long story, but I’ve been living with a toxic roommate for the past four months. I finally really stood up for myself today. Stumbling upon and reading this was so encouraging. I’m at a fragile point right now and need to keep reminding myself of a lot of the points you made in the article. I had a right to stand up for myself and I did!!
Starlight says
Great post – I really like what Dee wrote. The fact is, we can ALL be toxic, at times but what characterizes it as a problem is frequency and the inability to make amends. A trusted doctor friend of mine once described the personality disorders outlined in the DSM (bi-polar, borderline, narcissistic etc.) as ‘constructs created by the psychological realm to categorized difficult people” Sometimes I want to giggle a bit at all our machinations and rush to pinpoint all the trouble we see in the world and each other and simply ask: “Are we surprised?” Is it really a shock that people have personality disorders when right this second …this second…and now this second…there is someone somewhere being killed, abused, raped or beaten.
Right now as I write this. Is is any wonder we all have some type of pathology? It’s not a surprise. While we must keep on trying to make the world a better place as Marc and Angel certainly seem to be doing, maybe it might be good to give the ‘categorizing’ and finger pointing a rest and focus on what forgiveness actually means and what it does for the person who offers it and how it can actually change the person being condemned who is most likely ‘toxic’.
Thea Warner says
Good read! I too wish I had had this helpful information as a child since my (older) sister has been a toxic person in my life since day one. Since my parents and siblings have enabled this behavior all along and all have been great at pushing the guilt button, my husband suggested that your next column should be: Toxic people, Dealing with their enablers.
moda says
I’m an RN. The toxic person in my life is a doc, bully, chief of staff. This has been his entire career, to bully and yell and curse others, as well as to target others until they are terminated. The director is aware. The CEO is aware. The board and the entire town is aware. When one or two are terminated, others fill that void. Management will tell you this has nothing to do with his request and complaints, but performance issues. Yes, but a hostile work environment does sometime induce such. With only a short time left to retirement and living in a relatively rural area with little opportunity for another job, I fear I might have become his next target.
Any good advice would be much appreciated.
General Hades Frost says
Dear Cynthia Kerry, you can do it! You can conquer your demons. Hang in there.
JLS says
Great advice, thank-you. It’s difficult dealing with parents who are toxic – as their children we want to have happy healthy relationships with them and their grandchildren to have with them too, but sadly, the reality is this cannot always be possible. By choosing to distance myself from them I’m sometimes labelled by the rest of the family (who enable them) to be the one who upsets them by not giving in to their demands, which is completely not true. I simply want to live my life with peace and free of the unnecessary drama. It’s hard to sometimes not feel the guilt that the others are always trying to impose upon me. I suppose they’re possibly a bit jealous of my strength to be able to remove myself and refuse to put up with it, but it is also not always the easiest path to travel either.
Debbie says
Oh my word! This really hits home with me. I read several posts that I could really relate with as well. I just talked to my counselor today about this very type of relationship that I have had with my soon to be ex-husband who is also and alcoholic which goes along with the toxic aspect. We have been married for 15 years- he came into the marriage with 5 children then we had 6 more, yes,11 children. I have dealt with so much over these years but am finally now trying to find myself and be the best I can for the 6 kids still in the house. He is toxic. I am called every name in the book and always put down. I am the reason for all the negative things that happen to him and am so tired of dealing with this. What’s worse is I am a naturally caring person,so he takes advantage of this and I take everything to heart.
Thank you so much for this post and the replies of everyone here – I will have to print this off at work and refer back on it often.
Christine says
To Cynthia Kerry,
It takes courage to admit that you are a toxic person. A friend (that I used to have) would never admit that, and her husband enables her (as I used to, too). The first step is being honest with yourself, as you have.
Don’t wait for a man to give you the motivation to change. Work on yourself now, and when you are healthier, you will meet a better man.
I do understand what it’s like to not feel normal. I have many issues that I am working on. People don’t understand how hard it is to have certain types of complicated messed-up brains, like we do.
Try to do some visualization every day and picture how you want to be. Keep reading books or going to therapy or anything that can help. Congratulate yourself for even slight improvements. Work on appreciating decent, kind men, and know you deserve that.
I know it’s hard, but you can get better.
Larry Hochman says
Years ago I learned a technique called “Fogging Out.” When I find myself in the middle of a non-productive interaction with someone, and getting away from it at that moment isn’t a viable option, I will “fog them out.” In other words, I’ll deliberately saying something that’s kind of vague and ambiguous…something that’s hard to react to. It usually cools the emotional temperature because the person doesn’t know how to respond. Plus, it’s kinda fun! 🙂
JJ says
Thanks for that, needed it quite badly.
Have an in-law who’s very toxic who’s already brought my used to be sane brother to her bad ways. 2 faced and rumor mongering. Lies become more believable when they have bits of actual facts in it.
Recently I’ve taken one of your recommendations to action. I’ve ignored the jibes and do not give her the attention she usually gets. I know I am partly sarcastic but realistic when I say “i pray she gets blessed a hundred fold with what she does” knowing it means she’ll be swept by a tidal wave of b.s. as she’s thrown daily. lol
Yeah, I need a break. There are toxic people who know what they’re doing and get happy with pulling others down. Best to be aware and not let them win.
molokai says
This has been very enlightening. The toxic person in my life is my ex-husband. We have three young children together and, unfortunately, it’s not that simple. I’ve tried similar responses and would tell him in advance if he cannot be respectful (when discussing our children) that I would hang up and refused to be treated that way. He then tells his lawyer/friends/family that I am keeping our children from him and that I’m incapable of fostering a relationship between our kids and him.
He does say hurtful things, which they don’t actually hurt me because I know he’s just trying to be mean. How would you suggest I handle his toxicity when frankly, I can’t just walk away because of our children. He’s already taking me back to court accusing me of not encouraging and fostering a relationship between him and our children. He does cause unnecessary drama on a weekly basis and it does get old. I’ve address it with him. Then he turns everything around. Any thoughts? I’d be happy to try something new.
Stella says
Great, timely article. Thank you!
I recently re-engaged in a toxic relationship because of a death in the family. This woman and I had been quite close in years past, but I had distanced myself a few years ago because I was a miserable, depressed person. In the interim, I had worked hard on my own issues to become healthy, happy, and actively engaged with family and friends and with life.
Within three months of having this woman back in my life, I am again neurotic, unhappy, constantly explaining myself to people and apologizing for the slightest imperfections in myself. I am finding fault with others and am focused on my disappointments in life. I have lost a significant amount of weight and can’t bring myself to think of eating regularly. I needed the reminder that this isn’t what friendship or love looks like.
I am truly sorry for her loss, but I have known for the last several days that it is time for me to distance myself again. The guilt I feel over “abandoning” this woman in her time of need has been overwhelming.
But enabling the destructive behaviors isn’t helping her. It isn’t helping me. It isn’t leaving the world a better place than I found it. With that peace of mind, I can let go again.
maia says
Such a great article.. I wanted to make some kind of comment here on your page for many many times, but often didn’t have the courage or the will to explain my problem to you. But now I will, I think its the right topic and I really need some help.. I will try to keep the story short;) So.. for the last 7 years I’m dealing with my brother, who is (now I can say it without a doubt) an alcoholic. I’m 29 and he is three years younger. We had a very abusive&hard childhood and our father is still “a drinker”, but we don’t have contacts since I was 7 years old. All the responsibility lies on me and its a huge burden.
It’s getting worse and worse and he is also suicidal and I guess that’s my biggest concern. If he’d “only” have a drinking problem, I think I would let him out of my life. But with these suicidal drama I cannot 🙁 When he isn’t at home, I worry, cannot go to sleep, he works me up on a regular basis in the middle of a night banging on my window or calling me on my cellphone.. and than dealing with him till a morning.. Its exhausting, I cannot believe its been 7 years. In this time I also completely stopped doing my school – college and I just have to write my diploma. But with his lifestyle I cant do it. Ive tried but it doesn’t work on the long run. I really don’t know what to do anymore, I guess I cant live MY life with this over my head. And yes I know, I’m actually living his life :/ The problem is, when he is sober and I talk to him, he is in such a denial and then he makes me feel guilty and like I’m making it up :/
What should I do?? Its driving me crazy. I am a very positive person, but this shit is pulling me down. And of course my biggest fear is that if I would let him go, move out, change my phone number. etc, he would do it. End his life. Cause I witnessed it several times and somehow made it in time to rescue him. But I know, I’m not some angel, i cannot always be there and its his life, his choices. I really need some advice, some concrete suggestions what should I do cause its draining the life out of me and I don’t know shat else to do… Thx so much for reading this <3
Don Lawson says
Stop talking about me! Haha. Good article. This toxic behavior you speak of does happen in everyone at one time or another. I guess it becomes a problem when the person constantly does the things you speak of in here to everyone around them but you are right that a lot of times good people just go through hard times.
Don
DMS says
I have been married, for a long time, to a very toxic person. For many years, I was in denial about the situation, but I can’t ignore it any longer. My wife has long-term major health problems, both physical and mental. She refuses to do anything at all to actually help herself; she expects other people, mainly me and her doctor, to make her well and blames us (mainly me) for not making it happen. Leaving the situation is not an option. She literally cannot take care of herself (she is barely mobile at all) and no one in her family is in a position to take care of her, nor is she willing to stay in a nursing home or similar facility. So I am quite stuck.
I am aching to be able to do something with what’s left of my life beyond listening to her moaning and groaning, and crying and whimpering, and daily verbal abuse, but I don’t know how to get there from here. One of the previous commenters mentioned Borderline Personality Disorder; I’m sure that’s going on here, too.
I wish I knew the answer to this situation.
PS — I recently saw an article at PsychCentral on the topic of Energy Vampires which might be of interest to readers: psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/11/14/how-to-avoid-being-drained-by-energy-vampires
Rocco says
I have had a 30 year journey of dealing with an abusive spouse. It was not until the last year that I realized the damage I was doing to myself by thinking that this was a cross I had to bear in life.
For all of you, especially men, that are looking for a resource and resource support about abusive relationships and practical advice I strongly suggest you read the following blog: shrink4men.com
This blog has made a significant difference in my life and the scales fell from my eyes in terms of the serious damage and hurt that I was experiencing. Reading the stories on this site not only help me understand I was not alone but practical advice about what do to. If I may suggest – look into the concept of FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilty) that many abusers deploy when they latch onto an empathetic partner.
Thank you Marc for this post! It really struck a nerve with me. Also, thank you everyone that has contributed in the comments section.
racoonwisdom says
I, too, found that after more than 30 years in a relationship, and 24 years of marriage, I “coped” with a toxic person by adopting some of his negative strategies. I became somewhat toxic right back at him, I think, by wanting him to change.
How awful for a person to live with someone who wants you to change, never accepting who you really are? I think we both wanted him to change, and we both thought I could change him. My part of this, my responsibility, fed right into his toxicity. I was actually fueling his feelings of inadequacy, his anger, his fear, his bullying behavior. For 30 years.
Ironically, I had surrendered all my power– finally even quit my job at his insistence (b/c I had developed a severe degenerative condition w chronic pain) just as the kids had left home– and we were on sabbatical alone together in the middle of the Pacific, planting orchids on the acre of land we’d just bought to build a retirement house, when he gave me an ultimatum: pull my own weight financially or we divorce. After 30 years of swearing my career in arts administration was every bit as valuable as his, as a professor. Now that he was raking in well into the six figures, he had simply ‘changed his mind.’
Within a few months, the cruelty of his actions and words got worse. “Toxic” doesn’t even get close. With a narcissist, the outer persona seems extremely charismatic and pleasing, loveable, even perfect. To all on the outside world, he is Mister Wonderful. Only to the most intimate partner does the narcissist show his inner cruelty, his demons. So the intimate partner, if she shares the truth with others, is deemed ‘crazy’ or vindictive, perhaps jealous or bitter, but almost certainly lying.
Not only does she lose her partner (and in my case, my home), but most likely all her friends who knew her former mate, his family and anyone acquainted with her former life. For me, my job, career, my home, my body, my kids, everything. It was devastating.
I am moving on. The toxicity is lasting, like a nuclear bomb. In my 50’s, I will learn how to begin again. My identity as a woman, as a friend, as a mother must re-boot on my own. Somehow, I will have to discover a way to redefine myself anew as a valuable member of society, retrain, with my limitations, to contribute, earn a living, with individual health care and all the things I had invested in for my whole adult life with Mister Wonderful.
But I am not the first! This post and this article shows how many of us go through trials — And my vow is to not let this series of trials turn ME toxic against others.
I wish my soon-to-be ex well. First and foremost, I must look after myself. As they say, put on your own oxygen mask first, before reaching out to help those around you.
Qurat says
This article was great—as I’m dealing with a toxic person currently and it’s driving me crazy. I’m a college student and being around a toxic person is just—not fun. I’ve been doing personal research, to understand personality types…I encountered the term “toxic people” today—I thought of such people as “manipulative”. All of what has been described is true of what I’ve been going through and it’s good to gain knowledge on the environment you are surrounded with and also people. A toxic person can drive the entire household insane—full of drama. However, I do want to bring into account the impact they can have on your personality.
I know that I’m not the problem—yet I’m guilty almost all the time. I cry, forget to eat at times and I’ve lost my jolly personality to being a turtle in a shell. But because this toxic person has influence over the entire household, the environment although in my knowledge still has influence on me and my being. I can’t seem to get over with this. The fact that one person has the knowledge but yet is feeling this way. I think it’s because the order of the household has been disturbed. However, being the type of a person who can’t watch something wrong happening esp. to people I love, I assume this may be the cause. I certainly don’t need this person in my life and I bet that person doesn’t need me either, but in a way he does to boost up his own—I don’t know the word.
But anyway, if any advice on how to cope with this sort of environment, I’d appreciate considering I have no friends (bad experiences; considering that my sister was my best friend but she even turned against me thanks to toxic person). Oh and sometimes speaking up can cost you a lot…I’m the type who always speaks up and that is taken advantage of—to portray me as the evil or the cause of all problems. Manipulative/toxic people are dangerous! Great article. Thanks!
Amanda says
Chimpy, you wrote about asking a person, “I think you look bored. Do you think what I’m saying is unimportant?” I don’t have any idea into how to handle that, but if you’re looking for insight into his/her awful, bratty response, I can tell you that when one particular person used to ask me questions that would force me to either say “yes” right then or there or hurt her feelings in a pretty shocking way, I would get mad and change the subject. (I was vaguely aware that she was asking out of anxiety, but in the moment, I just felt coerced, probably because we had so many interactions in which I felt she was trying to forcibly extract or guilt me out something I might not even have. Which made me irritable and stingy.) Does that apply to you at all? No? I’m guessing no. I would like to point out, though, that I think she’s had pretty reasonable relationships with most other people, and I’ve never had any relationship like that. Amend that: my relationship with my mom is a little like that, but a hundred times less maddening for all parties, I think. (Should I call her up and ask her to verify?)
I want to mention that because one thing this article doesn’t seem to point out, for some reason, is that you don’t actually have to choose between “s/he is a bad person” and s/he is good for me.”
Another thing: this list might be good for people who are able to be certain that other people are the toxic ones, but I think there are a lot of low-self-esteem/depressed folks who are going to be determined to inappropriately cast themselves as the toxic ones, even if they haven’t talked to anybody but a therapist and maybe a cat since 1999 or whatever. It would be nice to see an intro that notes that some people are toxic to others only in particular relationships, and to see a version of the article that’s a little less “us vs. them” in general. And having recently been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, it’s actually a little rough reading an article that present itself as therapeutic and then presents a world in which the imagined reader is normal, but his/her persecutor could be bipolar or any number of things that are never accompanied by the kind of “of course, not all bipolar people do this, and you might be bipolar yourself, but the manic and especially mixed states associated with the disease” clause you’d expect to see in a piece written by a therapist. I know the authors aren’t presenting themselves as therapists, but I wasn’t expecting the kind of article that reminds me to wonder again whether I should have mentioned my diagnosis to my co-worker, you know?
Becca says
I have a person like this in my life, I’m genuinely very fond of them and so I always forgive them. Other people know how they treat me and say I should just forget them but it’s a hard thing, each little issue chips away a little bit more of the trust I have in them. I think they are a habit I find hard to break. They are manipulative, duplicious and selfish and the thing is it’s all very transparent and I usually do bring it to their attention but they turn it around and say I’m too sensitive, they never change and I don’t believe they ever will. I think they are monumentally unhappy and are jealous of me, when this was suggested to me by someone else I thought it was absurd but now I can see it’s probably true. I know their behaviour towards me is not a reflection on the kind of person I am it’s a reflection of how they feel about themselves but they choose to use me as their personal punchbag! This person has no one close to them and is very emotionally inept and unless they change their ways will live out the rest of their life alone. I know I’m a good friend I have many others that care for me as I do them and we don’t look for anything in return. I can see the day getting closer where I will be free of this person completely.
Donna says
This is a brilliant article and so right on…having said that, one must be very, very brave to actually do the seven things mentioned. Toxic people are typically emotional vampires; they are very hypnotic and beguiling because they have usually been abused and or addicted so they have had to learn so those skills in spades to delude and survive everyone around them. You may fancy yourself as a very strong, focused and rational adult but those are the ones that toxic folk prey upon because they need what those people have so badly, they are willing to “kill” for it. I believe that until I identified these 7 items, (by default) having to deal with an entire family of toxic people, I was feeling pretty much out on a limb-as though no one else understood the brave activity it takes to rid oneself of these people from your life. You actually start believing (just like they want you to) that you are the one with the issue. Be brave – walk away – DETACH-DETACH-DETACH – move on without them – cherish and uphold your free-will and self-esteem. No one can take those things from you unless you allow them.
Hristiqn Nikolov says
8. Take them out? 😀
Great tips once again, though it’s sad that these days so many people are being negative, and negativity is actually overwhelming positivity. I hope more people would read that amazing article and understand that they need to be more positive.
Mikael says
Life is short and my life has not always been good to me, but i am always positive and i try to avoid “toxic” people, as i said: Life is to short for negativity.
Melissa Webster says
Amanda,
You make a good point about people only being toxic in certain relationships. I think someone said it best with the peanut allergy analogy. Besides being funny and creative, it was right on target in describing how some people just clash and bring out the worst in each other. It was like that with my ex-fiance. We were horrible when we were together, but became very good friends once we were apart. And I genuinely like and get along well with his current wife, and they have a strong, stable relationship with each other.
As far as your question at the end, I’ve found being open and honest and direct with people you interact with, and being as authentic as possible works best. People will surprise you with how supportive and understanding they can be when you least expect it, and they’ll bend over backwards to work WITH you for the best results to avoid clashes. Just from my own personal experience, it was the vagueness and confusion of KNOWING something was off, but not knowing what the hell the problem was that was the hardest to deal with.
I don’t know if it’s too late for you and your coworker, but explaining this to her and allowing her to work through this with you might salvage it. And I think it would help you in future relationships. I’ve dealt with mental illness and addiction in my immediate family, and I know it’s a hard thing to share with people, and some people will be jerks for sure, but most people want to understand and get to know the real you without judgement. But you have to take the risk and trust them enough to meet them halfway on it.
Stacy says
My sister in law has always been very controlling and intimidating. About 3 years ago, my husband of 21 years had an affair that lasted about 3 months with her best friend. We have since reconciled and have come to terms with what happened and both of us have taken our responsibilities for the affair on and are in a really great place and moving forward. My SIL still associates with her friend which is her choice, always posting pictures and what a great time they have together. We have finally realized that I have a choice too. The weight that has been lifted off of our shoulders since we decided that we didn’t need this toxic relationship in our lives is unbelievable. She knows how painful it is for us to see and hear about her (thankfully they live 1,000 miles away) but does not seem to care about our feelings so we have let her go. The only part I still struggle with is that I have never had the chance to tell her why I stopped contact with her and I really don’t know if she understands why, but that is not my problem. We are moving on to a future with each other and with people that care about us and that we care about.
Patti says
Here is an interesting observation on my toxic mate: He has the ability to turn off and turn on his acerbic temperament in and out of the public eye. I believe what he is doing is referred to as “gas lighting”. When we’re out and about he is the most soft spoken, kind, lends a helping hand, looks the person in the eye while speaking, and overly displays hugging and affection…and then at some point when our door closes he becomes another person. When I call him out on it he tells me I’m imagining and “taking things personally”. We’ve been together for over twelve years and this behavior has steadily kept increasing…one critical note in the above column was the comment “self-referential”; spot on, something I couldn’t put into my own words so that I might understand – thank you for a great post and your words give me great encouragement to find a way to build up the courage and walk out – though it will likely be penniless, homeless and jobless I’ll take the chance. I do believe that if I stay in this relationship I will not survive.
Priss says
You did it again. Thanks for this. I am currently dealing with a toxic person. I’ve known her for 4 years now and she has always been blaming me for things that happened without any good reason. Stopped talking to me and then started talking to me again and I accepted everything she has ever done. The constant blaming for nothing and for things I knew I had not done. But I’ve always treated her nicely. Knowing me, I get easily depressed my guilt and such. So it has effected me negatively. This time I know I am not guilty and know I have to start taking some distance from her. Or at least when I somehow still give her another chance into my life, I know to stand up for myself and approach her behavior differently. Thanks 😉
Ps. I know that it’s harder to do in real life, but I’ll try. I’ll try to be strong. Oh, and in case you were wondering about my age, I’m 21 and the toxic person is 20.
Dave Nordella says
“Several years ago, I volunteered at a psychiatric hospital for children. I mentored a boy there named Dennis, a diagnosed Bipolar disorder patient. Dennis was a handful sometimes, and would often shout obscenities at others when he experienced one of his episodes. But no one ever challenged his outbursts, and neither had I up to this point. After all, he’s clinically ‘crazy’ and can’t help it, right?”
I am a compassionate person. I understand the pain that people with an emotional illness experience. But what can you do with a toxic person that uses their diagnosis as leverage for controlling you?
There are some people that will never stop being toxic, no matter what you do. You owe it to yourself to separate yourself from them. Thank you, Marc, for sharing this post
Marc Chernoff says
@All: Thank you so much for all the thoughtful and insightful comments and emails regarding this post. I’m glad so many of you found this information helpful.
Since many of your comments and emails require in-depth responses, Angel and I are going to sit down this weekend and address them when we have time to give each response our full attention. We’ll be in touch. 🙂
Judy says
I was fortunate to have married a wonderful man, a true southern gentleman. We had two great children, who are now adults with children of their own. I also had a super boss for many years and worked in a law office where we all got along. That is why I was so upset when my sister began bullying me during our mother’s final illness. I never knew when she would put me down for no reason. She was a totally different person talking to her friends on the phone or to my mother’s neighbors. Apparently, these bullies do actually pick their victims. I finally lost it on the phone with her after being the butt of her bullying for several years. I was so upset by her constant negativity and vicious verbal attacks that I have had no contact with her for almost a year. Thankfully, I have been able to put the stressful relationship behind me. Thank you for the great article and thanks, too, to everyone who so generously shared their experiences. Peace to all of us, Judy
Carolk says
To Melissa Webster–I copied the list of signs of a toxic person you outlined. I’m curious where it came from. Marc, do you know?
Chimpy says
@Amandah: Regarding: “Chimpy, you wrote about asking a person, “I think you look bored. Do you think what I’m saying is unimportant?” … Does that apply to you at all?”
Amanda, I think there are two bits to this. One is that it isn’t their fault so much – I really AM boring them and they are deciding not to tolerate it. The other, the main one, is that if you ask some people if they are bored by what you say, they are so totally contemptuous of you that they decide to use it to make a statement about exactly how poorly they regard you. And you can’t always walk away from them. I can walk away from my boss – just not any time soon, not if I want a roof over my family’s head.
Lynne Maisel says
Great information! I had to cut a person from my life who was consistently negative and destructive to herself and it bled over into my life. Setting boundaries with those type of people is so important! You can still care for them, while caring for yourself as well. I highly recommend “Boundaries” by Cloud & Townsend.
Melissa Webster says
@CarolK, the list came from my own personal experience with some toxic people in my life and a recent experience that left me lost and devastated for months, questioning my instincts, my self-worth and my confidence, and took friends uninvolved in the situation to point out to me and help me get over it and move on. I’m still getting over it and struggling with moving on.
I used to do volunteer work for a domestic violence shelter that trained in this sort of thing, but even as I was aware of the signs, I still got sucked in because I cared about these people and didn’t want to *see* what was going on. It can happen to anyone. If it helps you and others with awareness and prevention, then I’m happy. Thank you.
Allison says
Thank you so much for this article. The following quote: “The lesson here is that you can’t “help” someone by making unwarranted pardons for everything they do simply because they have problems.” “You deserve to think peacefully, free from external pressure and toxic behavior. No problems to solve, boundaries to uphold, or personalities to please. Sometimes you need to make time for yourself, away from the busy world you live in that doesn’t make time for you.”
I’ve been struggling with a person who has a mental illness who shows signs of being bi polar… However, he says he’s been diagnosed with Aspergers, hypochondria, and a whole list of other issues. He never took responsibility for his actions unless he wanted to change the conversation topic. I learned the hard way that he never respected people’s boundaries the second that I decided to put some boundaries up. These were simple boundaries, such as “Please don’t talk about your issues with me.” The only time that he’d try to respect them is when I would refuse to talk to him. Then our friendship was clearly about only meeting his needs, so after working with him on that for over a year and getting no where. I had to tell him that I didn’t think it was a good idea if we emailed each other, then I blocked him.
Thank you so much for your post. It really hit home that “You deserve to think peacefully, free from external pressure and toxic behavior.”
Charu Chandra says
I used to be part of a group of friends who were very toxic. In college, I spent close to 3 years with them just thinking it was ‘OK’ and ‘normal’ for people to exhibit this kind of behavior. Towards the end I started standing up to them more and speaking up more. Although I was respected more, I realized that the only reason I spent time with them over the years was because of a fear that I had about being the unpopular kid with no friends. These days, I have a zero tolerance policy towards people who like to play ‘mind games’. I just never let them into my life.
The problem with these toxic people is that the bullying is never direct. It is usually indirect in the form of a joke. Although you laugh since it’s a joke, it actually hurts. And when you talk to them about it, of course, they can come up with the excuse, “I didn’t know you would take it so personally’. Such ‘toxic’ jokes are the warning signs that your friend is really toxic.
Marc Chernoff says
@All: We’ve emailed several of you in reply to your comments here (hopefully you left us your correct email address). If you haven’t received a response from us yet, we will be emailing a few more replies tomorrow morning.
Thanks again for all the support, and for adding your priceless insight to this important topic.
Mila says
Thank you very much for your advice and the words you write here.
I worked on myself for many years, focusing on self-growth and development, learning to deal with my weaknesses and with how to take full advantage of my strengths, and have often been considered by others to be a kind and compassionate person, with kindness and wisdom in the way I approach people. Which is why I have found it so hard to see myself lose these qualities, as I have been pressured by two toxic relationships in my close vicinity, and it has weakened me considerably over the past couple of years. One is my sister-in-law, the other is my former boyfriend.
I do believe it is true that if we allow ourselves to stay too long in these relationships,we start becoming toxic ourselves, because our self-confidence, our strength and our positivity wane and the toxic people in our lives begin to invade our minds – we can begin to participate and play according to their rules because our strength deserts us to continue being the better stronger person. If these relationships are maintained, they are a form of brainwashing and can weaken even the strongest of people. I began to be very afraid of what was happening to me, when the unreasonably jealous one in the relationship became me (a behaviour he had manifested before). This happened because he had broken my ability to trust, my openness, my honesty – but it was me who had decided to stay even after he showed himself incapable of real compassion and consistency in what he promised and what he did. The mind games had gone on for so long that I had begun to participate in them. And since I was generally going through a rougher period in my life, I was sucked in deeper. The truth is that I allowed this to continue. I let him use the silent treatment on me and it did work, because people who are open, honest and loving, are hurt and try to reach out when someone is ignoring them. I learned to say mean and spiteful things back because it felt unfair to be the only one hurt by words. I learned to come up with ideas for mind games to counter his. I am so glad that I have finally decided to let him disappear from my life and to regain myself.
But I do believe that it is worthwhile to remain open and honest. And I am lucky, because if I try hard I can maybe go back to being the person I used to be, and learn once again to be trusting and loving, and open my heart to someone. I know I have to let him go, forgive him and accept that I enabled him, but with someone else there will be love in place of manipulation… and I can let down my guard again. I know that to an extent I did help him, I did make some changes in him, but I paid a very high price for my love, my patience, my understanding and my guiding hand. A loved one should never only play the role of someone who fixes his broken soul.
Now I am pregnant with his child and he’s left me or perhaps I threw him out – I think it was a bit of both, because as usual he was playing his mind games and I felt hurt and I told him to leave. It hurts but I think continuing on with him would have hurt even more. And I know somehow I will manage.
Thank you again. Reading your words helps me get through the darker moments, though most of the time I am stronger because I know I would not regain myself if I remained with him.
Looking forward says
Such a great time to receive this article. For such a long time I have lived with a toxic person, and along the way made excuses for him, covered up for him tried to improve things. No more – I finally had the moment where I realised I am I’m in danger and must save myself. Moving forward slowly…
M. says
Great read. I have been involved with someone for almost two years. After much research I feel him to be bi-polar and a PTSD sufferer. I have talked to him over and over about getting help. He fluctuates from denying the fact that he needs help to promising that he will seek help. I care about him; however, I told him that it was get help or the relationship was over. I always try to understand behavior; however, it doesn’t mean it’s acceptable.
lyla mclean says
For anyone whose life is affected by alcoholism in family or friends, there is the Al-Anon 12 Step program. You will find help and understanding from those who have lived with the problem.
The trouble with being in toxic relationships is that I find myself becoming like them. My last partner was a narcissistic bully. yes, he had a horrible childhood but so did I. I made him leave when i realized that he couldn’t love or respect me and I was hating myself for becoming like him.
When I let go of a toxic friend who dumped me when my brother was dying my world opened up to kinder, more gentle women friends. I want to be like them.
James Dean says
“Melissa Webster
December 11th, 2013 at 4:32 pm”
Some people are toxic their whole life, dump them.
“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”
? Steve Jobs
James Dean says
“Priss
December 11th, 2013 at 7:59 pm”
Dump her! You are worth more.
Tathata says
Oh wow, I especially love #2.
Sometimes, mostly at work, I feel like such a minority around everyone else who is so toxic that I start to see myself as being the one who is ‘wrong’ and ‘weak’ instead of others who are being so cruel.
Thank you for this good reminder to keep seeing myself as good.
Mindi says
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I grew up in a toxic home….and was rarely validated and supported….I accepted the toxic behavior as normal and learned to adjust or acquiesce to their needs. Even when I did search for my own identity…I was accused of being a martyr, attention seeker, and too sensitive. It took ensuring the loss of three children and a horrible divorce for me to see that the support I should be receiving from my family was toxic…and I’ve chosen to maintain those relationships on my terms. Not their’s. Standing up for myself is a new process…and I’m always searching for comments that I can rehearse so that it becomes my natural voice.
Jane says
I was once married to a toxic person for 13 years, if he didn’t get his way, he’d shout in my ear and yell rotten names at me insulting my woman hood if you get my drift, He’d flip out all the time, especially if you woke him up from one of his 4 naps per day! We’ve been divorced now for over a decade, and I’ve dated around but I’m still very gun shy, when a man yells at me and calls me rotten names I want to cry! My Dad yelled at me on Christmas eve, and I cried for 3 days. I found this blog and read it cover to cover, and I’m hopeful I’ll get these negative feelings out of my head soon.
Bill says
What do you do when this toxic person is your boss? I would like to “delete” this person from my life but finding another job is not an easy task these days.