We ultimately become what we habitually do. If our daily habits aren’t moving us forward, they’re likely holding us back. Here are four widespread examples of the latter that literally held most of the people I know back over the past year (myself included), and some tips for turning things around if one or more of these daily habits held you back too.
1. We weighed ourselves down with unhelpful thoughts.
Twenty years ago, when Marc and I were just undergrads in college, our psychology professor taught us a lesson we’ve never forgotten. On the last day of class before graduation, she walked up on stage to teach one final lesson, which she called “a vital lesson on the power of perspective and mindset.” As she raised a glass of water over her head, everyone expected her to mention the typical “glass half empty or glass half full” metaphor. Instead, with a smile on her face, our professor asked, “How heavy is this glass of water I’m holding?”
Students shouted out answers ranging from a couple of ounces to a couple of pounds.
After a few moments of fielding answers and nodding her head, she replied, “From my perspective, the absolute weight of this glass is irrelevant. It all depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute or two, it’s fairly light. If I hold it for an hour straight, its weight might make my arm ache. If I hold it for a day straight, my arm will likely cramp up and feel completely numb and paralyzed, forcing me to drop the glass to the floor. In each case, the absolute weight of the glass doesn’t change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it feels to me.”
As most of us students nodded our heads in agreement, she continued. “Your worries, frustrations, disappointments, and stressful thoughts are very much like this glass of water. Think about them for a little while and nothing drastic happens. Think about them a bit longer and you begin to feel noticeable pain. Think about them all day long, and you will feel completely numb and paralyzed, incapable of doing anything else until you drop them.”
Think about how this relates to your life and your recent endeavors over the past year.
If you’ve been struggling to cope with the weight of what’s on your mind, it’s a strong sign it’s time to let go and put the figurative glass down.
2. We tried to control too much.
We must remind ourselves that we can’t calm life’s storms. What we can do is calm ourselves, and the storms will eventually pass. The most powerful and practical changes happen when we decide to take control of what we do have power over, instead of craving control over what we don’t.
So be honest with yourself: How often did you aim for control this past year?
It’s OK. But it’s time for a release…
As you read these words, you are breathing. Stop for a moment and notice this breath. You can control this breath, and make it faster or slower, or make it behave as you like. Or you can simply let yourself inhale and exhale naturally. There is peace in just letting your lungs breathe, without having to control the situation or do anything about it. Now imagine letting other parts of your body breathe, like your tense shoulders. Just let them be, without having to tense them or control them.
Now look around the room you’re in and notice the objects around you. Pick one, and let it breathe. There are likely people in the room with you too, or in the same house or building, or in nearby houses or buildings. Visualize them in your mind, and let them breathe.
When you let everything and everyone breathe, you just let them be, exactly as they are. You don’t need to control them, worry about them, or change them. You just let them breathe, in peace, and you accept them as they are… so you can find inner calmness, and be on your way. This is the foundation of what letting go is all about. It can be a life-changing practice. (Note: Marc and I discuss this in more detail in the Adversity chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)
3. We filled in the gaps of our uncertainties with (inaccurate) stories.
Many of the biggest misunderstandings in life could be avoided if we simply took the time to ask, “What else could this mean?” A wonderful way to do this is by using a reframing tool we initially picked up from research professor Brene Brown, which we then tailored through our coaching work with students and live event attendees. We call the tool The story I’m telling myself. Although asking the question itself—“What else could this mean?”—can help reframe our thoughts and broaden our perspectives, using the simple phrase The story I’m telling myself as a prefix to troubling thoughts has undoubtedly created many “aha moments” for our students and clients in recent times.
Here’s how it works: The story I’m telling myself can be applied to any difficult life situation or circumstance in which a troubling thought is getting the best of you. For example, perhaps someone you love (husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, etc.) didn’t call you or text you when they said they would, and now an hour has passed and you’re feeling upset because you’re obviously not a high enough priority to them. When you catch yourself feeling this way, use the phrase: The story I’m telling myself is that they didn’t call me because I’m not a high enough priority to them.
Then ask yourself these questions:
- Can I be absolutely certain this story is true?
- How do I feel and behave when I tell myself this story?
- What’s one other possibility that might also be true?
Challenge yourself to think better on a daily basis — to challenge the stories you subconsciously tell yourself and do a reality check with a more objective mindset.
4. We said “yes” to way too much.
We all have ongoing opportunities and obligations, but a healthy and productive routine can only be found in the long run by properly managing your yeses. And yes, sometimes you have to say “no” to really good opportunities and obligations. You can’t always be agreeable — that’s how people take advantage of you. And that’s how you end up taking advantage of yourself too. You have to set clear boundaries!
You might have to say no to certain favors, work projects, community associations, church activities, volunteer groups… coaching your kid’s sports teams, or some other seemingly worthwhile activity. I know what you’re thinking: it seems unfair to say no when these are very worthwhile things to do — it pains you to say no! But you must, because the alternative is that you’re going to do a half-baked, poor job at each one, be stressed out, feel like you’re stuck in an endless cycle of busyness, and eventually you’ll reach a breaking point.
Truth be told, the main thing that keeps so many of us stuck in a debilitating cycle of overwhelm is the fantasy in our minds that we can be everything to everyone, everywhere at once, and a hero on all fronts. But again, that’s not reality. The reality is you’re not Superman or Wonder Woman — you’re human and you have limits. So you have to let go of that idea of doing everything, pleasing everyone, and being everywhere.
In the end, you’re either going to do a few things well, or everything poorly. That’s the truth.
An exercise for building better daily habits:
If you feel a like you’ve held yourself back with one or more of the habits above, or if you just feel like you’ve fallen off track this past year, this quick actionable closing exercise is for YOU.
Choose any area in your life that you want to improve, and then:
- Write down the specific details about your current circumstances. (What’s bothering you? Where are you stuck? What do you want to change?)
- Write down your answer to this question: What are the daily habits that have contributed to your current circumstances? (Be honest with yourself. What are you doing regularly that actually contributes to the situation you’re in?)
- Write down a few specific details about the “better circumstances” you’d like to create for yourself. (What would make you feel good? What does an improved situation look like for you?)
- Write down your answer to this question: What are the (new) daily habits that will get you from where you are to where you want to be? (Think about it. What small, daily steps will help you gradually move forward from point A to point B?)
Now, it’s your turn…
Yes, it’s your turn to not fall back into your old habits and patterns of living simply because they’re more comfortable and easier to access. It’s your turn to remember that you’re changing certain habits and patterns for a reason: to improve your life and make the very best of the days and weeks ahead — because you can’t move forward if you keep falling back.
But before you go, please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
Which one of the points above resonated the most today?
Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
NANETTE says
Thank You so so much Marc and Angel… I am going to keep this to re-read it several more times as a reminder to get my habits in order for the year ahead. The story about holding our thoughts for too long is something I know I’ve done almost every single day. Lot’s to work on here.
Diana Ramey says
I can definately relate. I have to get busy, do my homework and change my habits that have been holding me back from living a complete and happy life.
Kayle says
Thank you for giving me so much hope and peace in the past year, and for making your writings free. I was enrolled in a course recently that provided a lot less practical instruction than you provide here every week. You have helped me in ways you don’t even know. Thank you so much, Marc and Angel. You are in my prayers.
Cindy says
All of the points are very important and I appreciate the reminders! For me, point 2 on letting things breathe resonates the most and reminds me to let go and be grateful for my everyday blessings — something I struggle with frequently for sure. At a very young age I had a medical condition that left me childless. However, I am alive and can share in the joy of my nieces, nephews and others’ children and grandchildren. Through this early disappointment, I discovered the role of “special” aunt, neighbor, co-worker, etc. I admit, some days I forget I have a special role in children and young peoples’ lives. Thank you for reiterating there truly is a miracle in life’s tragedies.
LJ says
Numbers 1 – 3 resonate with me the most. I have struggle with drastic changes in my life over the last several months…and an uncertain future.
I’m so glad I signed up to receive your insight. Thank you.
Lynn says
Simply, Wow! This is a very powerful post – both the story in the first one and all reminders. I’ve saved them to review when I need that little pick me up. Amazing how they apply to people of all ages, in nearly all circumstances. They are particularly appropriate as our traditions change and we find ourselves getting older here on the Voyage. Thanks for sharing! ~ Lynn
Kevin says
Like the other commenters before me have said, this is wonderful. I am grateful for your weekly emails. And I’m also using your journal right now for my morning self-reflection practice, which has been going well for the past three weeks.
Talia S. says
It’s just awesome. I feel relaxed and at ease after reading this. I actually know where to start and how to handle situations. I’m definitely re-reading it as I prepare for next year. The task at the end is very helpful and the reminder of us being only human is even more helpful. How we’re allowed to let go…
Thank you very much
Michelle L Geil says
Thank you so much for your clarity and kindness. Yes so much of this applies to my actions over the years, makes me think, allows me to breathe and re-center. Your contributions to the world, and my world, are important and appreciated.
Donna says
I really enjoyed this article. I needed to hear these things. I know these things, but lately, like the last 7 months to a year, I have just gotten of track. I feel like the very fact that this article was on at the top of my list of daily news/articles is a sign that I am finally finding my true self again and getting things back on track. Weighing myself down with unhelpful and stressful thoughts resonated with me the most. So grateful for seeing, reading this article this morning and looking forward to more. Thank you!
Kristina G Knutson says
Thanks for including the helpful exercise I always enjoy your articles
I already know a lot of the ideas you share, but the reminder to PRACTICE the ideas is very welcome, especially this time of year.
Matthew Bryant says
Great stuff. I love the first one. ALOT. The weight of the water analogy.
Michelle says
Thank you both.
Your insight, wisdom and kindness have helped me a lot for many years. Your messages always seem to suddenly pop up at the perfect time with exactly the thought provoking guidance I need to hear at that moment.
Loarn says
Thanks for the exedcise. I’m working on it now. I’m reading your book , a segment each day. I’m 70% trough the book, lots of good stuff. (1000+ Things)
Lou says
I resonate with all of them. Sometimes I feel like I’m trying to be Superman, and then get tired and overwhelmed…I need to change, that thanks for reminding me I’m only human.
Les says
This is powerful and uplifting. Exactly what I need to apply to my circumstances. Thank you.
Diana Everett says
Reiterating what Kayle said, a big THANK YOU, Marc and Angel, for these encouraging–and free–emails, they have been so uplifting and influential in my life. What a life-changing service you two provide to people across the nation and planet regularly!
Have to say that #4, saying “yes” to good causes, resonates with me. I have been a political volunteer for 25 years and am burned out. I continue because the country is not in a good place, and I am experienced with campaigning and want to help elect good leadership. However, politics always wants more, it’s become a perpetual obligation (due to technology we can phone bank for candidates out of state year-around), and I need a paid job to help pay down my mortgage, which I still have at a very advanced age.
Plan to start classes at a community college in 2024 to brush up on job skills, and 2024 is going to be an extra important election year. I keep wrestling with whether to postpone job training one more year or just say no to political volunteering, regardless of the importance, and pursue my own goals. Can’t do both, have 5 cats that require a lot of time also.
Will consult with community college advisor about all this, not an easy decision, there must be trade-offs.
Kelly Lovell-Taylor says
WOW! This is so helpful. It was a spotlight on and a reminder of what I’ve been holding onto and what’s been holding me back.
The exercise is also extremely helpful tool and motivator to help me move forward for 2024.
Thank you for sharing your insights — as always, they continue to be a huge help.